


Something More

by tellmealovestory



Series: Something More [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Angst, Dry Humping, F/M, First Time, Friends With Benefits, Friends to Lovers, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Jealous Bucky Barnes, Loss of Virginity, Modern AU, Oblivious Reader, Oral Sex, Protective Bucky Barnes, Smut, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-24
Updated: 2020-05-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:00:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 12
Words: 65,768
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22882147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tellmealovestory/pseuds/tellmealovestory
Summary: After a bad breakup you ask your best friend to take your virginity. It's only friends with benefits. What could possibly go wrong?
Relationships: James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader
Series: Something More [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1644787
Comments: 215
Kudos: 500
Collections: Explicit Stories, Finished will re-read





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The friends with benefits story that nobody asked for, but that I wanted to write.
> 
> Also posted on my tumblr - tellmealovestory.
> 
> This is my first series ever and I'm really excited about this story!

"I'm sorry," you whispered, your voice cracking as you readjusted your body on Bucky's couch. You pulled the blanket tighter around your frame as you avoided looking at your best friend.

It was Saturday which meant it was movie night a tradition that had started when you guys were younger.

It also meant that it had been a week and a half since your ex boyfriend had broken up with you and to say you weren't quite over it yet was an understatement.

The last couple of days had been hell. The breakup had come out of nowhere and even though you two hadn't been dating very long and you definitely hadn't been in love with him you had really liked him.

What had hurt you the most was his reason for breaking up with you. It was stupid. So fucking stupid, but it didn't stop the tears from pooling at the corners of your eyes or the feeling of your chest constricting every time you thought about him or the breakup. Which seemed to be every minute of every day.

Your other best friend and roommate Natasha had tried everything to get you to open up or at the very least leave your apartment. Nothing had worked. Not when she tried telling you that he was an asshole, that you deserved better, that any guy who would break up with you because you weren't sleeping with him wasn't worth it, not even when she admitted that she was glad that the relationship was over because everybody had hated him. That only made you feel worse. It made you feel stupid and pathetic that you had been so desperate to have someone like you that you had ignored all the warning signs that he was bad for you.

The only thing that had made you finally leave your apartment was the thought of movie night with Bucky. But so far you felt all you had done was ruin it.

For starters you hadn't been able to focus on the movie, your eyes had stayed on the screen, but your brain hadn't been able to comprehend what was happening. And when Bucky had ordered pizza from your favorite restaurant all you had done was pick at it.

To his credit he hadn't said anything, hadn't pressured you to talk, hadn't asked if you were okay, he knew you weren't. He knew it from the moment he opened the door and had taken in your tear stained eyes. Had known it when he saw you wearing his sweatshirt, the old one, the one where the threading was coming loose at the hem, the one you only wore when you were sad and wanted to feel comforted. It was killing him not to reach over and wrap you in his arms. He knew you well enough not to push you to talk, you'd talk when you were ready, but watching you huddled up on the opposite end of the couch and hearing your voice crack when you apologized was enough to break his heart. He hated seeing you like this especially because there was nothing he could do to ease your pain and the thought killed him.

Bucky reached for the remote on the coffee table shutting the tv off. Neither of you had been watching the movie anyways. Turning to face you he frowned as he tried to understand what you were apologizing for. Since arriving at his apartment almost an hour ago conversation had been light and infrequent. Searching for the right words and coming up empty he sighed.

"You have nothing to apologize for, Y/N."

You could feel the tears threatening to fall and you struggled to keep it together in front of Bucky. It wasn't as if you hadn't cried in front of him before because you had, but something about this time felt different.

"I do. I'm ruining movie night and... I..." Your words dropped off, your voice faltering as the tears you tried so hard not to let fall began to roll down your cheeks.

"Y/N," his voice was soft, too soft for you almost didn't hear him.

Feeling the couch shift underneath his weight as he moved closer you felt his arms wrap protectively around your shoulders. Leaning into him you buried your head in his chest letting the tears fall freely now as you felt his hand rub small circles against your back.

"It's okay, shhh I'm right here, it's okay." The words fell from his lips like a mantra.

Your fingers curled around the soft material of his shirt as the tears fell faster. Being wrapped up in his arms like this made you feel protected and cared for and you wanted to tell him what was wrong, but the words were stuck in the back of your throat. 

You weren't sure how long you stayed curled up in Bucky's arms crying, but eventually your tears slowed leaving his shirt soaked and your throat dry.

"I'm sorry about your shirt," you mumbled against his chest, and you were.

Despite the current situation Bucky felt his lips curl up into a small smile. Of course that's what you would be worried about. Something stupid like his shirt.

"I don't care about the shirt, Y/N," he said, pressing a soft kiss to your forehead, "I care about you. Are you okay?"

He could feel you shrug against him and the smile that had adorned his lips only moments before was replaced with a frown. He hated seeing you like this, so broken and he wished there was a way he could take away your pain.

"I... I feel so stupid," you admitted, your words coming out muffled against his shirt. "I know that... I mean I didn't love him and we weren't together for that long and... and as Natasha said she was surprised we lasted this long, and I..."

It was a struggle to get the jumbled thoughts in your head formed into coherent words that would make sense to Bucky. Aside from telling Natasha the reason for the breakup you hadn't talked about it much. It was usually so easy to talk to him. You guys had been friends since you were kids and there were no secrets between the two of you, but for some reason talking to him about this was proving harder than you thought.

"Hey, it's okay we don't have to talk about this," he murmured as if reading your mind. The last thing Bucky wanted was to make this harder for you than it already was.

"It's okay," you muttered.

While you appreciated him being so gentle you knew that you should talk about this and not just because Natasha had told you if you didn't she was locking you out of the apartment until you did. Maybe if you opened up to him you'd feel better, doubtful, but it was worth a shot. Your voice was shaky as you struggled to put your racing thoughts into words.

"He dumped me because I wouldn't sleep with him."

The words tumbled from your lips sounding like one long word and you prayed that he got all that because you weren't sure you could repeat it. Your face was hot with embarrassment, your heart racing beneath your chest and not for the first time in your life did you wish a hole would open up and swallow you.

While it was no secret that your friends knew you were a virgin it was somewhat of a sore subject for you. You were embarrassed at your age to still be one and no matter how many times Natasha told you there was nothing wrong with it you disagreed. You weren't waiting for marriage or waiting for "the one". Nothing like that. It was more the opportunity never presented itself. You had only ever had two boyfriends.

One when you were a teenager that had resulted in a few heavy make out sessions but nothing else. It had been fine at the time, but as you got older your lack of experience began to upset you. Which was why when your ex had first started to show you attention you had jumped into a relationship with him.

It was stupid and reckless. Sure, at the time being with him and pleasuring him and having him touch you had felt good, but now all you felt were regrets and embarrassment at being so desperate. Deep down you had known he wasn't the right guy, but that hadn't stopped you from rushing into things. Part of you was glad you hadn't slept with him, but another part of you wondered if maybe you should have. At least you wouldn't still have been a virgin and maybe if you had he wouldn't have dumped you.

The sound of Bucky's angry voice broke you out of your deep thoughts. "'M gonna kill him. Fuckin' asshole. You deserve better than him, sweetheart. If he really cared about you he wouldn't have broken up with you cause you're a virgin. Hated him from the moment you introduced us."

You didn't have to look at Bucky to know that he was seeing red. "You're not gonna kill him because he's not worth it, Bucky," you whispered.

"He may not be worth it, but you are, Y/N. He had you locked in your room for how many days crying over him. He has you thinking there's something wrong with you because you're still a virgin. He deserves to have his ass kicked for hurting you."

Bucky shook his head not understanding how you could let him get away with this. He swore if he ever saw him he'd punch him in the face. You deserved someone who loved you and the fact that you wasted so many months on him made him _so_ angry.

"You're not gonna kick his ass either, Bucky," you said, a small smile curving your lips up. Despite the subject matter you couldn't help the giggle that tumbled from your lips.

"Huh. Who knew talking about kicking his ass would be what got you to smile," Bucky teased. Pressing his lips lightly to your forehead he was glad to see you smiling even if it was only for a couple of minutes.

The lightened mood and your smile didn't last. It didn't take long for your mood to shift as your mind continued to ask the what ifs. What if you had just slept with him? What if your next boyfriend did the same thing to you? What if... what if... what if... Your mind couldn't seem to stop and before you knew it tears were pooling at your eyes and you lifted your hand up to quickly swipe them away.

"Hey, come on don't cry. He's not worth it, Y/N," Bucky whispered, his hands reaching up to cup your face, the pads of his thumbs brushing away your tears.

Knowing there was nothing he could do to take away your pain or say to you make you feel better left his heart feeling as if someone had broken it into a thousand little pieces.

"Hey, shhh it's okay please don't cry, honey," he tried again, desperate to ease your pain. Pressing soft kisses to your forehead and your cheeks. "Tell me how to make this better, _please_ Y/N."

"Sleep with me." The words were out of your mouth before you had a chance to think them through or take them back. You felt Bucky's hands drop from your face and you felt your stomach drop. There were so many things you wanted to say. That you were just kidding, that you were sorry, that you could explain, but nothing came out and as an awkward silence fell over you the only sound you could hear was your heart racing beneath your chest and your shaky breath.

It was a game of chicken, who was going to speak first. Bucky knew that he should say something, he could see you retreating back into yourself, could see the tears falling down your cheeks faster, could almost hear you berating yourself for saying anything in the first place. He knew he had to say something and quick before you bolted out of the apartment, but he had to be so careful here. He didn't want to say the wrong thing and risk you getting more hurt than you already were.

Reaching for your hands he let out a breath when you didn't pull away like he had expected you to.

"Y/N," he started, struggling to choose his words. "I'm not takin' advantage of you like that."

Bucky was met with silence and taking that as a good sign he gently brushed a strand of hair behind your ear. After a couple of minutes of quiet however he was beginning to question if your silence was such a good thing after all.

"Look at me, please?" He pleaded.

You couldn't. You couldn't stand to look at him and see the pity reflected back in his eyes. It would break your heart and it was already so shattered you weren't sure how much more pain you could take. Had you been in a better frame of mind you would have appreciated his gentlemanly approach of turning you down given your current state. But you weren't in a better frame of mind and you took his refusal to heart thinking there was something wrong with you. When you had left your apartment you didn't think your night could have gotten any worse. How wrong you had been.

"You planning on ignornin' me the rest of the night?" He asked, a hint of his Brooklyn accent seeping through. His attempt at a joke did little to ease the tension in the room.

Dropping hold of your hands he placed two fingers under you chin, tilting it up and forcing you to look at him. "Talk to me." His voice was commanding and you found yourself squirming under his intense gaze.

You didn't see any pity reflected back in his eyes, but that still didn't make this any easier.

"There's nothing to talk about. I-I shouldn't have... shouldn't have said anything." You lifted your shoulder in a shrug as if that explained everything.

Bucky wasn't letting you off the hook however and when you saw him narrow his blue grey eyes you sighed in frustration.

"You said... you _begged_ me to tell you how to make this better and then when I do you turn me down!" There was a tremor in your voice and you hated how you couldn't seem to stop crying.

"I turned you down because you've been cryin' over that asshole since you came over here! This really how you want your first time to go? Huh?" He asked. There was an edge to his voice you weren't quite used to. It was rare for you guys to fight and you were struggling to find your voice. His grip tightened on your chin when you didn't answer him.

"Y-yes," you stuttered, a small hint of uncertainty lacing your words, but you weren't going to back down. This was what you wanted even if the circumstances weren't exactly ideal.

Bucky didn't say anything. Part of him was surprised that you had said yes, he had been expecting you to come to your senses and realize he had only said no to protect you. Letting go of your chin he reached for your hand, pulling you up from the couch as he led you to his bedroom.

You were quiet as you trailed after him.

This was what you wanted. Sure, you were wearing a ratty sweatshirt and your face was puffy from hours of crying. And you may have been wearing your least appealing bra and underwear, but none of that mattered you told yourself. It didn't matter what you looked like or where you were or what you wearing. All that mattered was that you were ready and you were with someone you trusted. And both of those things were true with Bucky. Soon you'd be rid of your virginity and you could move on with your life. At least that's what you tried to tell yourself as you struggled to ignore the little voice in the back of your mind telling you this was a bad idea.

So lost in your head you gasped in surprise when you felt your back make contact with Bucky's bed. You weren't given a chance to fully catch up because the next thing you noticed were Bucky's lips on yours, his body hovering over you, one hand gripping tightly to your waist while the other cupped your cheek, tilting your head _just so._ His lips moved over yours with a passion you weren't quite accustomed to.

It was intoxicating and overwhelming and you couldn't stop the whimper that escaped when you felt his tongue slipping past your parted lips.

This wasn't the first time you and Bucky had kissed. When you guys were teenagers you had shared chaste kisses during games of spin the bottle and truth or dare. Those kisses had been sweet and short. And once or twice you guys had shared tipsy kisses on New Years Eve.

This kiss was something else entirely. It was hot and rough and it left you feeling dizzy and breathless and confused. You struggled to catch your breath once Bucky pulled back, but you weren't given a chance when you felt his teeth nipping at your bottom lip, his tongue swiping to soothe the slight stinging. Your brain was working overtime to catch up to all the new sensations and when you felt his fingers dip under the hem of your sweatshirt you knew you had to slow things down.

"B-Bucky," you gasped, struggling to get his name out in between kisses.

It was so hard to focus on slowing down when you could feel his fingers inching up your stomach. His touch was gentle so different from what your ex boyfriend had been like. God, here you were making out with Bucky, getting ready to sleep with him and all you could think about was your ex boyfriend. Maybe Bucky had a point and tonight wasn't the right night. After all how were you supposed to be present and focus on losing your virginity when you couldn't stop thinking about your ex? This night just continued to turn into a disaster.

Bucky groaned when he heard his name tumble from your lips in a breathy gasp. _Fuck._ This wasn't how this night was supposed to turn out. He had expected you to back out by now, to realize that you weren't ready for this he _did not_ expect you to be moaning his name and letting out these breathy little whimpers that were making him grow hard. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He had meant what he said earlier, he wasn't going to take advantage of you like this. No matter how good all of this felt. His ma had raised him better than that.

His fingers continued to inch higher and the feeling was enough to bring you back to your senses albeit slowly. It took a couple more minutes for the hazy fog to clear from your mind and when it did you pulled your kiss stained lips away from his, your chest rising and falling as you struggled to catch your breath.

"B-Bucky stop,” you gasped.

"Having second thoughts, sweetheart? Thought you wanted to do this tonight?" Bucky asked.

There was a smugness to his voice that pissed you off and had you narrowing your eyes, not that he could see given it was still dark in his room. Sliding his hand out from underneath your sweatshirt he rolled off of you, reaching over to his bedside table he flipped a light on bathing the room in a soft yellow glow. His blue grey eyes drank in your appearance. Your sweatshirt was twisted and crumpled around your body, your lips were plump and kiss stained and he couldn't take his eyes off of you.

“I did. I do. I just...” You said, your voice shaking as you struggled to keep it together. Running a hand through your hair you struggled to gather your racing thoughts.

As hard as you tried not to think about it you could still taste him on your lips. The taste of bitter beer and pizza. You could still feel his hand gripping onto your hip. Could hear the way his breath had hitched when his name came tumbling out of your lips.

None of those thoughts were helping to clear up the confusion you were feeling. His words echoed in your mind and you struggled to figure out how you guys had ended up here. Yes, you had been the one to ask him to sleep with you. And yes he had been the one who had initially turned you down saying he hadn’t wanted to take advantage of you. But... that didn’t explain the turn of events that had led the two of you to his darkened bedroom to make out. And it certainly didn’t explain why he was sitting next to you with a smug look on his face when you had been the one to put a stop to things.

“James,” you started. His first name spilling from your lips sounded foreign to your own ears.

The only times you called him that was when you were mad or you wanted to annoy him. Glancing over at him you watched him swallow, a sheepish look adorning his features and you narrowed your eyes at him. “You wanna explain what the hell you’re doing?” Your tone was icy and not for the first time that night did you wish you had just stayed home.

“I didn’t think you were gonna follow me,” he mumbled under his breath.

He was so screwed. What had seemed like such a foolproof plan earlier had blown up in his face and he was now left struggling to explain his actions to you.

Running a hand over his face he let out a deep breath. “I knew you weren’t ready to have sex tonight and I tried telling you that Y/N, but you didn’t listen. I thought if I agreed you’d chicken out before we even made it to the bedroom.”

“So... so you... Jesus, Bucky!” You yelled. The confusion you felt earlier was turning to anger as his words rang in your ears and you put the pieces together. “So what were you going to do if I hadn’t stopped? Sleep with me even though _you_ were the one who said you weren’t going to because you didn’t want to take advantage of me?”

“What? No! Y/N come on you know I wouldn’t have let it get to that,” he tried to explain. “I fucked up, okay? I thought I was doin’ the right thing. You weren’t listening to me and I couldn’t stand to see you so upset over that fuckin’ asshole.”

Reaching across the bed for your hands Bucky sighed when you pulled away from his touch.

Your head was spinning as you got off his bed, your feet moving across his floor as you paced back and forth.

“No. No,” you said again.

You were getting more and more angry as the seconds ticked past. Angry at your ex, angry at Bucky, angry at yourself, angry at the world and society.

Stopping your pacing you turned to him lifting an accusatory finger in his direction. Tears were threatening to spill from your eyes again and you were angry about that too. How much more could you really have left to cry? The answer was a lot as the tears you tried so hard to hold back began to fall down your warm cheeks.

“Don’t you dare James Buchanan Barnes,” you yelled, his full name spewing from your lips in anger and frustration. “You do _not_ get to tell me when I’m ready to have sex or not. That is not your fucking decision. Do you understand me? You had no right to tell me you weren’t gonna sleep with me and then two minutes later change your fucking mind and say okay and drag me into your room and... and make out with me only then to change your mind again in some sick game you’re playing to get me to realize I wasn’t ready in the first place. God, Bucky do you realize how fucked up that this? I-I...”

“Y/N,” Bucky whispered softly.

He had never seen you like this before. Sure, he had seen you angry and upset, but nothing like this. You were standing in the middle of his room as violent sobs racked your body. You were a mess and he was at least partly to blame for it.

In a flash he was up and off the bed as he wrapped his arms around you. Fighting against his touch you attempted to shove him away, your fists slamming against his hard chest as the tears continued to fall and you yelled at him not to touch you, but all Bucky did was wrap his arms tighter around you. Soft _‘it’s okays’_ and _‘I’ve got yous’_ spilling from his lips.

“I hate you,” you sobbed, “And I hate _him so fucking much._ ”

Bucky didn’t say anything. There was nothing he _could_ say to make you feel better. He knew he had to let you get this out of your system, that this was what you needed. And when he felt your knees start to give out he caught you and carried you back to his bed. His hands never strayed far from your body, his lips pressing delicate kisses to the top of your head, your forehead, your cheeks, the shell of your ear in between hushed murmurs of _‘I’m sorrys’_ and _‘it’s gonna be okays’_ and _‘I’m here_ _‘I’m not going anywhere Y/N.’_

The combination of Bucky’s quiet voice and the feeling of his hand rubbing small circles against your back began to bring you back down. Exhaustion wracked your body. All you wanted to do was fall asleep and forget about this night and your ex and the past week. Better yet you wish you had a time machine so that you had never met him in the first place. Your eyes stung from the near constant crying you had done and your throat felt scratchy. Sniffling you curled your body against Bucky’s. You were still pissed at him, but he was familiar, comforting and that was all you wanted right now.

“It’s gonna be okay, Y/N, I promise. ‘M gonna make this better. ‘M gonna fix this.”

Your eyes drifted shut as sleep settled over your exhausted body.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You and Bucky have a much needed conversation.

A quiet groan spilled from your lips as you buried your head further into the pillow. It was too early. You wanted nothing more to go back to sleep, but a crash from somewhere in the apartment followed by what sounded like the words damnit had you cracking your eyes open as another groan escaped.

Rolling onto your back you rubbed the sleep from your heavy eyes as you blinked your surroundings into focus. For just a moment fear wracked your body as you realized this wasn't your bed and this definitely wasn't your room.

Sitting up with a start you relaxed as the night before came back to you in bits and pieces. Oh. Right. Part of you had hoped last night had been a dream. Or the cause from too much alcohol. Your eyes drifted to the empty half of the bed where Bucky had been last night.

Sighing you swung your feet over the side of his bed. You were going to have to face him sooner or later and you couldn't deny whatever he was making smelled good.

"Expecting company?" You asked as you entered the kitchen. Your eyes swept over the piles of food he had plated sitting on the counter and the small kitchen table. Plates of bacon, toast, eggs, pancakes, a bowl of fruit, orange juice and coffee littered the room. There was no way either of you could eat all that and for a moment you froze hoping he wasn't expecting more people. As much as you didn't want to you guys still had things to talk about.

"Mornin', sweetheart," he replied.

Pouring a cup of coffee and adding a generous helping of milk he placed the mug on the counter closest to you.

"You didn't eat much last night. Thought you might be hungry." He said it as if the large quantity of food was obvious. Grabbing a plate Bucky filled it high with a little of bit of everything placing the plate next to the coffee. Preparing another plate he sat down digging in to his food. Well at least one of you were hungry.

"Thanks," you murmured. Picking up your mug you blew on the steam before taking a large drink. The hot liquid warmed you from inside out and you appreciated the caffeine. Feeling a little more awake you started to eat.

"How'd you sleep?" He asked in between large bites of food.

"Good. It was the first time I think I've slept the whole night through after... everything that happened." You weren't sure if it was because you had finally opened up about your ex and your heartbreak or if it had something to do with Bucky holding you and keeping you close, but the sleep you got had been wonderful. "What about you?"

"Good," he lied. The truth was he hadn't slept at all.

After all the drama that had taken place his first and only concern had been you and once you had drifted off to sleep he had been worried about you waking up so he did the only logical thing he knew to do, stay up and watch over you. And that was exactly what he had done opting to spend the whole night holding you and making sure you were okay. It wasn't until a few hours after the sun had started to rise that he left your side and only then so he could make you something to eat.

Nodding your head you let the silence wash over you as you picked at your food. Small talk never bothered you before, but this whole conversation was frustrating. After last night there was so much left unsaid and you were struggling on how to bring it up.

What if he wanted to ignore it and pretend nothing had happened? What if he was waiting for you to bring it up first? What if he wanted to be the first to bring it up? Once again the what ifs were driving you insane.

"So... um about last night," you started, your voice hesitant and your words coming out slow as you kept your gaze locked on your plate. There was no way you could have this conversation looking at him. "I'm sorry. For ruining movie night, but also for yelling at you."

Bucky chuckled, the sound causing your eyes to dart up from your plate to meet his in confusion. You hadn't thought you had said anything that was funny. You had been trying to apologize and here he was sitting across from you laughing!

Blame it on the first night of good sleep or the infectious melody being able to lift you up even out of your worst mood you soon joined in finding yourself laughing right along with him. In a way it was refreshing to know that no matter how stressful and confusing last night had been nothing had changed between you two. 

"What are you laughing at?" You asked, the laughter causing a few tears to slip down your cheeks and oh how good it felt to have tears falling from your eyes from laughter instead of from dumb ex boyfriends breaking your heart.

"You," he said.

"My apology was that funny, huh?"

"Nah. You just don't need to apologize. You're under a lot of stress. 'Sides I'm a lot tougher than I look. You gotta do more than tell me you hate me to upset me," he teased, shooting you a playful wink as he got up taking his plate with him.

Watching him you bit your lower lip as memories of the previous night flooded your mind. You vaguely remembered telling him you hated him... along with trying to hit him when he tried to comfort you. And then of course there were the memories of you asking him to sleep with you and your make out which neither of you had brought up yet. 

"Oh, really? And what would someone have to do to upset you?" 

Thinking about it for a moment Bucky grabbed a piece of bacon biting it in half before answering. "Someone not eating their breakfast. Now eat."

Rolling your eyes you started to eat your pancakes. You weren't hungry, but he had gone to the trouble of making you breakfast and you felt the least you could do was attempt to eat something. "Happy?" You asked when your plate was half empty.

"Least you ate more than last night," he murmured, clearing your plate away.

This was it. The opening you were searching for to talk about last night. It was now or never. The air wasn't as thick between you two with tension as it had been, but it was clear there were still things left unsaid. You guys were best friends who had never had any trouble talking about difficult things, but that had seemed to change last night. 

Taking a deep breath and searching for your courage you found yourself blurting out, "Bucky I meant what said last night. I want you to sleep with me."

The words were out there in the open and even if you _had_ been able to take them back you weren't sure you would have. 

"Y/N," he started, frustration evident in his voice. He wouldn't look at you as he busied himself with cleaning up the kitchen. 

"Told you last night I'm not takin' advantage of you like that." Bucky had been so sure that after last night, after the make out, after the tear stained fight, after you got some sleep you would have moved on and forgot about this. He should have known better. And while he was so fucking tempted to give in and say yes he would sleep with you he knew he couldn't do that. 

"You wouldn't be taking advantage of me. I _want_ this, Bucky." Came your soft reply. When he didn't say anything after a few minutes, when he _still_ refused to even look in your direction you sighed in frustration not understanding why he was acting like this. It was just sex. What was the big deal? 

"No you don't. You only think this is what you want. You're upset cause he broke up with you, but once you do this, honey you can't take it back." Bucky didn't have to look at you to know that much like last night you were growing angry with him, but he was trying to protect you. Why couldn't you see that?

"Yeah, Bucky, I know how virginity works," you shot back, tone angry. You wanted to apologize, but the longer this conversation went on the more upset you were getting. Hadn't you guys argued about this last night? 

"And that's kind of the point. I'm tired of being a virgin. If you don't want to sleep with me just tell me so Natasha can find me someone who will." 

"What?" Bucky asked, turning around to look at you, the first time he had done so since you brought this up. His mind was reeling with what you said. Clenching his jaw he breathed deeply willing himself to calm down. Growing angry and yelling wasn't going to fix anything between you two, but he was finding it difficult to comprehend why the _hell_ you and Natasha thought you sleeping with a stranger was a good idea. 

"You talked about this with Natasha?" He asked, struggling to keep his voice even as he gripped the edge of the counter, his blue grey eyes darkening as he stared you down.

"Yeah...?" Came your confused response. You didn't understand why he was so surprised by that idea. Aside from him she was your best friend and roommate. 

"I mean I didn't tell her about... asking you, but a couple days after the breakup she mentioned that if I was positive about losing my virginity she could find me someone." Your tone was nonchalant, but you felt anything but.

Squirming in your seat you were beginning to feel uncomfortable with Bucky's intense staring. Still refusing to look at him you shrugged your shoulder as if the idea of losing your virginity to a stranger wasn't panic inducing. You had gone along with the idea, but the more you thought about it the more it terrified you. You wanted your first time to be with someone you knew and trusted, not a stranger, but it looked as if you were going to lose it to a stranger. After all Bucky didn't seem to be on board. 

"Jesus Christ, Y/N," he muttered under his breath. Letting go of the counter he moved back to the kitchen chair sitting down across from you. "You're not sleeping with a guy you don't fucking know."

"You _also_ don't get to dictate who I can and can't sleep with, Bucky," you snapped.

You would never understand the fascination people had with what a woman chose to do with her body or who she chose to do things with. Crossing your arms over your chest you lifted your eyes to meet his. Your breath caught in your throat at the intensity reflected back in Bucky's eyes. Feeling heat rise to your cheeks you swallowed as memories of your make out last night flashed through your mind.

"I'm not telling you who you can and can't sleep with, but a stranger? No. Your first time is _not_ going to be with someone that Natasha finds."

"Really? Because it sounds like you _are_ telling me what to do. God, Bucky you really think that's what I want? My first time to be with a stranger?"

Bucky was smart enough not to answer that question. "Don't you want your first time to be special? With someone you love? And you're dating?" He asked instead, voice soft. You were special and you deserved to have your first time be special and memorable for all the right reasons.

Snorting you rolled your eyes. "No. As long as I'm with someone I know and trust it'll be special. Which... which is why I asked you to sleep with me. A-After I got dumped the only two guys that I trust enough and know are you and Steve. And I don't think Steve would have been comfortable with me asking him seeing as how he's dating Peggy. Which... left only you. And... I don't know. It was stupid to ask you I realize that now. I just... I just thought maybe you'd say yes, but I get it why you're saying no and I don't want to pressure you so... I mean at least I have Natasha to find me someone."

Letting your words sink in he didn't say anything for a couple of minutes. After all it was a lot to unpack and unload. Was he flattered that you had come to him first? Yeah, it boosted his ego he wasn't going to lie about that. But the thought of Steve being your first much like a stranger made his blood boil. What the hell had Natasha been thinking? Making a mental note to talk to her later he sighed struggling to figure out where to go from here. You were determined to lose your virginity and after last night he now knew there was nothing he could say or do to make you change your mind. So he had two options. Let your first time to be with a stranger or be with him. Neither option was a good idea.

"Your first time shouldn't be with a stranger, Y/N," he tried again.

"Then sleep with me, Bucky. We're best friends. There's nobody I trust more and it's just sex. Please?" You hated how whiny you were sounding, but you could almost feel him getting ready to say yes. Reaching across the table for his hands you gave them a gentle squeeze as you lowered your voice, "You said it yourself. My first time shouldn't be with a stranger. It should be with you."

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He was so close to saying yes and he knew you knew that. Knew by the way you gently squeezed his hands, by the way your voice got softer, breathier. He closed his eyes remembering you last night underneath him gasping his name and all you had done was kiss. This was wrong. So, so wrong, but he wanted this. So, so much.

Sighing be pulled his hands back as he got up and moved back to the sink. A hand ran through his hair messing it up. He needed space away from you, away from your touch because he swore to god if you touched him again he was going to say yes.

"We can't, Y/N."

"Why not? Give me one reason why."

"Sex changes things. We're best friends and I don't want that to change."

"It's not going to change anything. We've been best friends for how many years, Bucky? And how many things have we gone through together? And it never changed anything between us it only made us stronger."

"Friends with benefits doesn't work. Somebody always gets hurts."

"You weren't worried about that last night when you dragged me into your room to make out with me."

"Dragged you? You followed, sweetheart, willingly. And if I remember correctly you seemed to enjoy it. A lot," he shot back, enjoying the way you shifted in your seat.

"That's... that's not the point!" You sputtered, struggling to get the conversation back on topic.

Sighing you chewed on your lower lip as you got up and stood in front of him. You weren't about to admit it, but he might have had a point. Not that you would know from personal experience, but you had seen your friends relationships change when sex was added to a relationship. You didn't want your friendship with Bucky to change, but you really believed it wouldn't. 

"Technically... it wouldn't be friends with benefits. It'd... be friends helping each other out," you said. The words sounded ridiculous to your own ears, but you felt triumphant when you got Bucky to at least crack a smile.

"That's the definition of friends with benefits. Wanna try again?"

"Um... It'd be my best friend giving me the best gift ever and ridding me of my virginity so I'm no longer a freak?"

"You're not a freak, Y/N," he sighed, "And that's still the definition of friends with benefits. Try again."

"Okay okay. So maybe it'd be friends with benefits, but it'd be different for us. Neither of us would end up getting hurt."

"You sound pretty certain about that."

"I am certain about it because it's you and I, Bucky. It's been us for years. And at this point it's going to take more than sex to ruin what we have. Besides it's not like we're going to fall in love with each if that's what you're worried about."

"You tellin' me you're not already in love with me, sweetheart? I'm hurt. Thought we had somethin' extra special between us," he teased, a twinkle in his eye.

"You're an idiot," you replied, laughter spilling from your lips. You didn't want to get your hopes up, but you couldn't help it as you glanced up at him through your lashes. 

"So... is that a yes or a no?" Your breath caught in the back of your throat as you waited for his answer.

As much as he wanted to he couldn't say no to you. Part of him still thought this was a bad idea, but what was he going to do? You looked so hopeful staring up at him. Closing his eyes and hoping he was making the right decision he said yes. 

The excited squeal that came out of your mouth made him laugh as his back dug into the counter at the feeling of your arms wrapping tightly around his neck in a hug. And to think all the drama could have been avoided had he said yes last night. 

"But there's gonna be rules," he started, his voice raising to be heard over your chants of _thank yous._

Pulling back from the hug you nodded your head yes. At this point you'd agree to anything. Part of you still couldn't believe he had agreed to this. "Anything," you said quickly, the word tumbling from your lips as your eyes sparkled with excitement.

"We're not doing anything until you're over your ex. I don't care how long it takes you need to be over him before we do this." Bucky watched as you nodded your head in agreement. 

Once he got that he continued. "And we're taking this slow. 'M serious, need you to be one hundred percent sure this is what you want all the way and the minute it's not you gotta tell me. I don't wanna do anything that makes you uncomfortable, okay?" Satisfied when he saw your head nod yes again he sighed. "Okay, good."

"Thank you, Bucky," you said, a smile curving your lips. "This isn’t going to change anything between us, you’ll see.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	3. Chapter 3

"This okay?" Bucky whispered, his warm breath fanning over your ear causing you to shiver underneath his body as his large hand cupped your breast.

You nodded your head not trusting yourself to speak right now. Everything was more than okay. 

It had been a couple of weeks since your conversation with Bucky and life had returned to normal. 

Or as normal as it could get after asking your best friend to take your virginity. And true to the rules he had set up you waited until you were one hundred percent over your ex before even bringing the topic back up. 

He had been hesitant, asking you multiple times if you were sure when he had arrived at your apartment to hang out. No matter how many times you had assured him yes, this was exactly what you wanted you still appreciated how slow he was taking this for you.

What had started out as chaste kisses and hesitant touches as if you two were teenagers just learning how to make out had quickly turned into something more. 

It wasn't long before his shirt ended up on the floor of the living room, your hand dragging him into your bedroom, your body landing on your bed as you pulled him on top of you. Your chaste kisses turned deeper, his tongue slipping past your parted lips as your hands rested on his shoulders before sliding up the back of his neck pulling him closer. Breathy moans tumbled from your lips when you felt him cup your breast, your shirt having been discarded and tossed somewhere on your bedroom floor earlier.

He pressed a soft kiss behind your ear, his hand massaging your breast earning him a delicious moan from your swollen lips. It was wrong, so, so wrong, but all he could think about was what other sounds he could pull from your beautiful lips. 

"Need to hear you say it, honey," he whispered, voice dangerously low as he pressed open mouth kisses down the side of your neck.

Clenching your thighs together you gave a tug to his hair, your head tilting to the side to grant him more access. 

"Y-yeah," you gasped, hating how your voice stuttered, but being helpless to stop it. 

You knew Bucky was a good kisser from the couple of times you guys had kissed, but you didn't think he was going to make you feel _this_ good. God he had barely touched you and already you were a sweaty, whining mess.

What were you going to be like when you guys went further? The thought had you feeling heat rise to your neck and chest and by the way you could feel Bucky's lips curling into a smile against the curve of your neck you knew he knew the effect he was having on you.

"Yeah what?" His teeth grazed over your neck.

A pathetic whine fell from your lips as your lust filled brain tried to catch up with what was being asked of you.

"It's okay... m-more than okay," you gasped as Bucky's hand moved to massage your other breast. 

Under different circumstances you would have felt embarrassed at how needy you were acting, especially given how this was your best friend, but right now all you could focus on was how good everything was feeling. It had never been like this with either of your exes. And for a brief moment you let your insecurities take over as you worried if Bucky was as into this as you were. The way he was grinding against you and the little groans that escaped his lips every time you raked your nails down his back told him he was, but you still doubted yourself. 

His lips sucked greedily against the skin of your neck and though you were worried about him leaving too many marks that you'd have to try and cover up it felt too good for you to stop him. But despite the pleasure you were receiving it still wasn't enough, you needed _more,_ but you didn't know how to tell him what you wanted. 

Guiding his lips back to yours you kissed him hungrily, your tongue slipping past his parted lips, a wave of confidence washing over you when you felt him moan against you. Keeping one hand tangled in his hair your other hand moved between your bodies, your fingertips making a slow descent down his chest, over his defined abs, down his stomach before stopping to rest on the top button of his jeans. Making no move to undo his jeans until he gave you the okay you pulled back from the kiss panting. 

"Bucky?" You asked softly. 

He hadn't stopped you from going further, but he also hadn't given you the okay and you were left worrying that he was about to call the whole thing off. When he still didn't say anything after a couple more seconds you swallowed the growing lump of disappointment in your throat as you began to pull your fingers away. An apology sat on the tip of your tongue, but before you could utter one syllable you felt Bucky's hand grasping your wrist.

"You sure?" He asked, his breath coming out a little shaky at the thought of going further. He wasn't nervous, after all you had seen him in his boxers before. But this wasn't about him, his only concern was you and making sure that you were one hundred percent comfortable with everything that took place. 

"Yes." Your fingers shook as you undid the button of his jeans and slowly pulled the zipper down, a shaky breath passed Bucky's lips as your knuckles brushed over his growing erection. Pushing the jeans down his legs he pulled them off the rest of the way, tossing them onto your bedroom floor. 

Leaning down he pressed a soft kiss to your lips, it was so different from the heated kisses the two of you had been sharing only moments before and you felt yourself melting into his touch. Nestling his thigh between your parted legs you sighed as your hands made their way to his shoulders. It didn't take long for the kiss to heat up and though you didn't want to you broke the kiss, your hands pushing back on his shoulders. "Wait."

Pulling back Bucky was about to apologize for whatever he had done wrong before his eyes dropped down to your fingers which were making quick work of the button and zipper on your own jeans. 

"You don't have to do that, Y/N," he said, locking his eyes on you. The last thing he wanted to do was make you uncomfortable after he was the one who had told you he was going to take this slow, yet here you both were taking clothes off as if this was a game of strip poker and you both had losing hands.

Getting off your bed you stood up and turned your back to him as you tugged your jeans off, dropping them onto the growing pile of clothes that were beginning to litter your floor. 

"I know I don't _have_ to, but I _want_ to. Besides it only seems fair," you murmured, struggling to keep the nervousness out of your voice. Turning around to face him you tried not to cover yourself as you watched his eyes roam your body. You shouldn't have been nervous, it wasn't as if you were naked, not yet at least. Biting your lower lip you motioned for him to sit back against your pillows. 

When he had done as you asked you took a tentative step towards the bed ignoring the warning bells in your head telling you this was a bad idea. Moving to straddle him his hands moved to your waist helping to steady you as he struggled with the urge not to lift his hips as you moved over him searching for a comfortable position. 

"You good?" He groaned, his fingers digging into your skin.

Feeling heat rise to your chest and face you offered him a small, apologetic smile as your hands moved to rest on his shoulders. 

"Yeah, sorry," you giggled. 

You could feel all of him pressing against you and it was all you could do not to tell him to take you right now. Your underwear was soaked and as you glanced down at him you wondered if he could tell. God, what was he doing to you? These were not thoughts you should be having about your best friend. 

"Is this... okay?" 

"Yeah, it's okay, Y/N," he said. He wanted nothing more than to rip the last remaining pieces of clothing separating your bodies, wanted nothing more than to show you just how good sex could feel, just how good _he_ could make you feel, but he needed to take this slow for you and the way you were chewing on your lower lip again and the way you were avoiding his gaze he could tell you were starting to feel nervous and that was the _last_ thing he wanted for you right now. 

"This okay for you?"

"Yeah," you said a little too quickly, your eyes darting from his lips to his chest. "I just... I don't know." 

When you had first asked him to sleep with you you had been devastated over your breakup. And when you guys had first started making out it had been good, really good. But now straddling his waist it was beginning to dawn on you just how weird this whole situation was. You didn't want to stop, but you were beginning to feel nervous.

"Hey, it's okay. Come on talk to me." His voice was soft yet commanding and you felt yourself wanting to do exactly that, but you couldn't get the words out. The pads of his thumbs rubbed gentle circles over the smooth skin of your hips.

"Don't make me tickle you to get the answer out," he teased and when he saw you crack a smile he let out a breath he hadn't known he'd been holding.

"I'm nervous," you blurted out. "And I don't want to stop, but I mean... please tell me I'm not the only one finding this a little weird?" You couldn't look him in the eyes, not even when you heard him chuckling. 

"And I know this was my idea, but I don't know... I think I just need to get this out in the open before we continue? _If_ we continue God I completely ruined the mood didn't I? I'm sorry." A frustrated groan spilled from your lips as you buried your head in his neck. This was mortifying. And you felt so stupid for thinking the two of you could just hook up without it being weird. Making a move to get off his lap you were surprised when you felt his hands tightening around your waist keeping you where you were.

"It's just me, sweetheart, you have nothing to be nervous about." When you didn't move your head from his neck he sighed feeling helpless that he couldn't find the words to ease your worries. 

Rubbing his hand in small circles over your back he tried again. "'S not just you that finds it a little weird." 

When he felt you lifting your head up he took that as a sign that he was on the right track. 

"But it doesn't have to be weird, Y/N. Ya know maybe it's good we're talking about this now. Get all this out in the open before we go any further." He shrugged his shoulders offering you a small smile when you finally dared a peek at him. As he watched you nod your head yes he took a deep breath, his hand continuing to rub circles on your back. The action seemed to soothe you because ever so slowly he could feel your body begin to relax again. 

"Better?"

You nodded your head yes unsure if he was asking about him rubbing your back or the awkward conversation you had started. Resting your forehead against his your eyes fluttered shut, a feeling of calm coming over you as the tenseness in your shoulders began to dissipate. "That feels good," you breathed out.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

The two of you stayed like that for a couple of minutes, you straddling his lap as he rubbed your back. He was the first one to break the silence and his voice startled you. 

"You didn't ruin the mood, baby," he whispered, his voice dropping lower, "I'm pretty good at seducing women. I'll have you back in the mood in no time."

And that was all it took for you to start laughing and for you to forget all about your previous nerves. 

"Oh my god, Bucky," you laughed, your whole body shaking. "I can _not_ believe you actually said that." Pulling back as you continued to laugh you could see the twinkle in his blue grey eyes and before you could think about it you pressed your lips to his in a quick kiss thankful to him for making you forget about your nerves. 

"What?" He asked laughing. He was glad to see you laughing, glad to see you opening up a little bit more and he was really glad to feel your lips against his even if it was a brief kiss. It took a couple of minutes for the laughter to die down, but once it did he was pleased to see any previous trace of nervousness had exited your body. Turning serious for a moment he locked his eyes on yours. 

"This is all about you. If you start feeling nervous again and you wanna stop we'll stop. But if you wanna keep going we'll keep going. You're in charge, okay? I'm following your lead."

A wave of love and appreciation washed over you as his words sunk in. You wanted to tell him thank you, for being so understanding, for taking this so slow, for even going along with this in the first place, but the words wouldn't come. 

Leaning down you pressed your lips against his. The kiss was slow and sweet and it reminded you of when you guys had first started, each of you taking your time in getting to know one another on this new level. And while you enjoyed the slowness and sexiness of taking your time in kissing him your body was craving _more._ Nipping at his bottom lip you smirked at the way his breathing picked up, the way his hand gripped just a little tighter on your waist. Taking that as a good sign that you were on the right track you ghosted your lips over his jaw before pressing a kiss under his ear. 

Acting on instinct you worked your lips down his neck in slow, soft kisses, your teeth occasionally dragging over his skin as you searched for his sweet spot. A couple more kisses down his neck and you found it. Your soft kisses turned to sucking and as you listened to Bucky's breathing pick up you reveled in the feeling of being able to bring him pleasure.

"Y/N," he groaned, a hint of warning in his voice which you ignored. 

Letting your teeth graze over the newly formed mark on his neck you peppered the spot with kisses before stopping when you felt his hips thrust against you. A surprised gasp tumbled from you, the sound becoming muffled against the reddened skin of his neck. 

Never did you think the feeling of his hips moving against you could feel so good. Grinding your own hips down against him you continued to move your lips over his neck enjoying the groans that were you able to pull from Bucky.

The feeling of your hips grinding down against his was almost too much for Bucky to handle. It didn't help that your lips continued to work over his sweet spot. And it definitely didn't help that when he opened his eyes he could see your breasts practically spilling out of your bra as you moved over him tentatively. 

The thoughts filling his head were sinful at best and though he had been the one to hand you control he was finding it more and more difficult not to flip you over and shove his fingers and tongue deep inside of you making you scream his name. Gliding his hand up your back his fingertips brushed over the clasp of your bra before his hand cupped the back of your neck gently guiding your lips away from his neck. 

"You keep that up and we're goin' to have a problem." His words which were supposed to be teasing came out sounding rougher than he intended. It was hard to talk when he could still feel your hips rolling against him, your movements alternating between hesitant and slow and more forceful.

"Did I do something wrong? I thought... I thought you were enjoying it?" Your voice was soft, hesitant and you were left doubting yourself. You avoided his gaze as your hips stilled over his suddenly unsure of everything you had been doing.

"You didn't do anything wrong. I promise." It was selfish, but he couldn't help moving his hips up against yours in search of some friction. The quiet gasp that tumbled from you had him murmuring a string of _yeahs_ and _that's it_ and _just like that, honey._ Releasing his hand from the back of your neck he placed it on your waist helping to guide your movements over him.

"Then why-," your words were cut off with a searing kiss from Bucky.

"Cause I promised we were goin' to take this slow and the way you were kissing my neck and the way you were movin' your hips was makin' it hard for me to keep that promise."

Whatever you were expecting him to say it wasn't that and his honesty caught you off guard. Although if you were being honest you liked knowing that you had that kind of power over him, that you could make him feel as good as he was making you feel. 

"So... you're fine with this?" You asked, your hips moving down harshly over his, not missing the way his gaze landed on your breasts or the way his breathing picked up. 

"But this..." Leaning down you pressed an open mouthed kiss against his sweet spot before nipping the marked skin, "Is too much?" Pulling back you were surprised to see his eyes were closed tightly, his nails digging painfully into the skin of your hips. 

"You're making this really difficult for me, Y/N," he murmured, his voice dark and laced with warning. 

It shouldn't have, but you could feel yourself getting more turned on. 

"I just want to make you feel good too, Bucky," you whispered, your voice dripping with a sweetness and sexiness that he wasn't accustomed to hearing from you. What sounded like a fuck mumbled from him had you biting your lip in an attempt to hold back your growing smile. 

"'M serious," he warned again.

This was heading towards dangerous territory, but neither of you seemed able to stop now that it had started. 

"I'm serious too," you said.

The tone of your voice had Bucky taking notice. Loosening his hold on you he stopped moving your hips, his own stilling with reluctance. The lack of movement and friction was driving him crazy and he had to keep reminding himself that this was about _you_ and not him. Opening his eyes he parted his lips to speak, but before he could get a word in he felt your lips against his. It was so difficult to keep his hands from roaming and though he enjoyed kissing you more than he should have part of him was relieved when you pulled back.

"I know you're worried about going too fast and pushing me into something I'm not ready for, but, Bucky I _want_ this. If I didn't I wouldn't be here and I wouldn't have let it get this far." 

Letting your words sink in you took a deep breath before continuing. "And... I know you think this is only about me feeling good, but it's not. I want _you_ to feel good too. It's not fair for only one person to get all the pleasure all the time." 

Your last words weren't about him, but about your ex and you hated how despite straddling Bucky's waist half naked and making out only moments ago your mind still returned to _him._

Bucky let your words sink in. A small part of him knew that he was worrying too much about taking this slow for you, but how could he not? You were his best friend and he had always looked out for you how was he supposed to stop now? _Especially_ now when you guys were adding sex into your relationship? 

Hearing you talk about how you wanted him to feel good too Bucky bit back a groan. You were already making him feel good, but that didn't stop his mind from conjuring up images of your hand wrapped around him, you on your knees with your lips and mouth wrapped around him. Shifting underneath you he struggled to keep his hips still. This was a serious conversation, an important one, but fuck he was beginning to have a difficult time focusing.

Sighing as the last of your words sunk in Bucky narrowed his eyes. "Let me guess you were the one giving him all the pleasure and what? You got nothing?" Part of him didn't want to hear the answer, but a small twisted part of him needed to know.

"Something like that." Admitting it out loud and to Bucky no less made you feel even more embarrassed and ashamed that you had wasted so many months dating him and had wasted so many tears on him. 

Unable to look him in the eyes you shrugged your shoulders as if it wasn't a big deal. "I'm sorry I ruined the mood again," you mumbled, a humorless laugh spilling from your lips, "We probably should have talked about all of this before we started making out, huh?"

Gritting his teeth Bucky was finding it difficult to keep his anger in check the more he learned about your relationship with your ex. "He was an asshole, Y/N and had he been any kind of man he would have been takin' care of you too."

It wasn't your fault, but the way you shrugged your shoulders as if you were okay with the way he had treated you pissed Bucky off too. 

"Look at me." When you refused he sighed, his voice softening as he tried again. "Sweetheart, come on, look at me. _Please?_ " When you still refused he slid his hand from your waist up to the small of your back, rubbing gentle circles against your soft skin knowing you enjoyed it and it relaxed you. 

Unsure if it was the pleading tone of Bucky's voice or the feeling of him rubbing your back again you reluctantly lifted your gaze to meet his. 

"You have nothing to apologize for and you didn't ruin the mood. 'Sides I told you I'm an expert at seducing women," he teased, shooting you a wink and when he saw you burst into laughter he swore he could feel his heart melting. For the first time since you brought the conversation up he could see you relaxing and it was such a beautiful sight he vowed to do anything he could to keep you so at ease like this.

"So now what happens?" You asked, voice soft and unsure. Despite the relaxed feeling curtesy of Bucky's magic touch this was the second time you had interrupted your make out to talk and you were worried he was getting annoyed with you.

"Anything else you need to get off your chest?" 

"No I think I'm good for now."

"Then it's up to you. You're still in charge so you tell me what you want to do."

His words were dangerous. There were so many things you wanted to do, but they weren't things you could tell your best friend about. Chewing on your lower lip you felt a wave of shyness wash over you. It was ridiculous given you were half naked sitting on his lap. "Can we... continue where we left off? And before you ask, _yes,_ I'm sure."

Bucky's gaze flicked between your eyes and lips. Though he had said you were in charge he took the lead knowing it's what you needed right now. Instead of rushing right back in he started slow, his lips moving over yours giving you time to get back into it. His hand continued to rub your back and when he heard you sigh into the kiss he wasn't sure if it was from him deepening it or from his hand on your back. Either way he didn't care. 

Every sigh, every moan, every gasp he was able to pull and coax from you was music to his ears. It was wrong, but he couldn't wait to _really_ touch you, to _really_ kiss you, to _really_ coax those sounds out of you. 

Groaning he lifted his hips up to you, surprised, but glad when he felt your own hips move against his. It didn't take long for the two of you to pick things up where you had left off and for the briefest of moments he was left wondering exactly how far you and your ex had gone. He wanted to ask, but when he felt you pull away from the kiss, your breath heavy he lost all trace of coherent thoughts. 

Watching as your eyes fluttered shut he allowed his gaze to wander down to your breasts again. Licking his lips he dragged the hand that was on your back down to your waist before sliding it to cup your ass. When you didn't stop him he gently kneaded the covered flesh groaning when he heard you moaning above him. "Still okay?"

It was better than okay, but you knew there was no way you could get the words out right now. Nodding your head yes you opened your eyes surprised to find his gaze locked on your breasts, but even more surprised to find that you _enjoyed_ his staring so much. Stilling your hips for a moment you reached behind you, your fingers unhooking your bra, though you made no move to slide the straps down your arm. 

"I know you've been staring since I took my shirt off," you teased, hoping he wouldn't be able to hear the nerves that laced your words. "You can take it off."

Bucky flushed, partly for being called out and partly because you were trusting him enough to take this further. His own hips stilled as he swallowed. He took his time, his fingertips ghosting up your sides, moving up your arms before finally resting on your shoulders. Sliding his thumb under each of the straps he looked at you his eyes questioning.

"I'm sure." Was all you said before pressing a kiss to his lips. To your surprise he didn't make a move to slide the straps down. 

"Do you trust me?"

"Yes."

With that confirmation Bucky slid his thumbs out from underneath your straps, his eyes locking on yours as his hands slipped to grip the back of your thighs. With an expertness that left you wondering just how many times he had done this before he rolled the two of you over so you were on your back and he was hovering over you. His thigh nestled between your parted legs as his hand moved to rest by your head caging you in and doing his best to keep his weight off of you.

The new position caught you off guard for a moment, but you liked it. You liked feeling his weight on you. "I thought you said I was in charge," you teased.

"You are."

"Really? Cause it kinda seems like you are."

"You're still in charge, I promise. Relax... Let me take of you, yeah?" He asked, his lips brushing over yours. Seeing you nod your head yes he smirked. 

His eyes locked on yours and you could see the question in there, nodding your head yes again you sighed as he kissed you once before pulling back, his fingertips reaching for the straps of your bra he slowly, oh so slowly removed the garment, pulling it down your arms before tossing it somewhere on your floor, his eyes never leaving you. You could feel yourself growing wetter the longer he stared. For once you didn't feel embarrassed even though the only thing separating you was your underwear. Your skin felt like it was on fire, your heart pounding heavily inside your chest.

"Bucky," you whispered, your voice so soft you weren't sure he could hear you. Shifting underneath him you sighed when you felt his thigh brush against you. The friction was electric, but it still wasn't enough. You weren't used to this, this being taken care of so sweetly and though you felt a tinge of embarrassment about asking him for what you needed you felt if he didn't do something and soon you were going to explode. 

"Touch me. _Please._ "

Bucky shouldn't have been, but he was surprised by the neediness and the absolute want that laced those three words. His erection was painfully hard and as much as he wanted to push your underwear to the side and slide right into you he knew he couldn't. Not yet. 

Licking his lips he nodded his head, his lips dipping down to the corner of your mouth as he slid his hand up from your waist to cup your breast. Your nipples were hard against his rough and calloused hand and it was taking all of his self control not to rush into this. 

Listening to your breathing pick up he smiled to himself. Using a little bit more force he continued to palm your breast, his fingers twisting your nub as he searched for what you liked and didn't. "Like this?" He teased, his mouth against your ear, his warm breath fanning over you causing you to whine.

Arching your back you tangled your hands in his hair, your head tilting to the side as you bit back a moan. "Y-yeah, but _more._ " Your voice came out breathy and needy and you swore if he didn't stop teasing you were going to cry you were so frustrated.

Sliding his hand to your other breast he gave it the same treatment enjoying maybe more than he should have the way your hands curled and tangled in his dark locks. The way your back arched pushing your chest against his own. The skin on skin contact was almost more than he could handle and he could feel his control starting to chip away. 

The rational part of his brain that was still working was telling him to put a stop to this, to at least slow this down a little before things went too far. But the rest of his brain, the one hazy with lust and want for you only wanted to keep going, wanted to give you what you were asking for, what you so desperately needed. 

Moving his lips down your neck in slow, torturous kisses he couldn't help grinning against your hot skin the way your breath hitched in anticipation when his lips moved down to your chest. "Still okay?" He murmured, lips pausing as he waited for your answer.

Unable to speak you tugged on his hair, your head nodding yes, your teeth tugging on your bottom lip so hard you swore you were going to break the skin open any minute. 

You wanted to verbally tell him yes, god yes, everything was okay, more than okay, but the only thing that came out were more whimpers and whines. You could hear Bucky chuckling and you wanted to tell him to shut up, but the words got stuck in the back of your throat when you felt his lips wrap around your nipple. 

Threading your fingers through his hair you let out a whine when you felt his lips pull away only to move to your other breast. Tilting your head back against the pillow you marveled at the way everything felt _so_ good, better than it ever had with your ex. And you weren't sure if it was because you felt more comfortable with Bucky or if it was because he was lavishing so much attention on you, something you weren't used to.

Bucky continued to suck on your breast for another minute before slowly pulling his lips away, his darkened eyes taking you in from the way your chest rose and fell to the light sheen of sweat that coated your forehead to the way your messy hair was fanned out over your pillow. His eyes roamed over the skin of your chest and your neck that was littered with dark purple bruises, bruises he had caused marking you. You weren't his, but watching you laying underneath him, your body still squirming as you sought out friction he wanted you to be his.

It was a dangerous thought and when he had tried telling you this wasn't going to work _this_ was what he had been talking about. It was far too easy for the lines to blur between friends when sex was added. Pushing the thought to the back of his mind he smiled softly as his eyes trailed up to your kiss swollen lips and when he watched your eyes flutter open a soft frown on your face he brushed his lips over yours lightly.

"Is everything okay?" You asked softly, your fingers untangling from his hair as your hands moved down his back exploring the muscles and smooth skin. It was selfish of you, especially when you had been the one to stop things and talk twice before, but you missed the intense feeling of his lips on yours, the way he'd let his thigh brush against your core. You giggled softly when you felt his nose brush against yours, a quiet hum spilling from his lips as he did so. 

"Everything's okay," he murmured, his hand trailing down your side to rest on your waist. How was he supposed to tell you that he had to stop things for a minute because if he didn't he wasn't sure he _would_ be able to stop? 

Silence fell between you giving you a chance to catch your breath as your eyes locked on his. It was a sweet moment, one reminiscent of lovers sharing unspoken words, but you guys weren't lovers and the longer you stared into his eyes the harder it was to remember that. His gaze was intense and it left you clenching your thighs together and biting your lower lip wondering what it would be like to have him staring at you like that from between your legs. 

"Don't bite your lip like that." He growled quietly.

You weren't sure what caught you off guard more, his words or the growl that spilled from his lips. It was a nervous habit of yours, biting your lip and though he had never said anything to you about it before you wondered if it annoyed him. You could feel the hand that was on your waist sliding up your side, his fingers brushing the side of your breast causing you to finally release your lower lip as a quiet gasp spilled from you. His hand cupped your cheek, the pad of his thumb brushing over your skin. 

"Why?" 

Bucky's gaze never left yours even as the pad of thumb brushed across your swollen lips. He was amazed how you hadn't broken the skin open yet with all the biting and tugging you had been doing. 

"Because," he murmured, voice still low as he slowly pushed his thumb past your lips, surprised when he felt your tongue swipe over the pad before you switched to sucking gently, your eyes never leaving his. All he could think about was how he wished you were sucking on something else of his as he watched you with darkened eyes. 

"You have no idea what seeing you bite your lip does to me." Bucky wasn't sure if he was crossing some unspoken line by saying that, but fuck, he didn't care right now, not when he could feel your teeth grazing over his thumb. 

His breath hitched and never for a moment did he think he would get so turned on by this. He felt your tongue swipe over his thumb again and with much reluctance on his part he slowly pulled his thumb out of your mouth, groaning when he saw it glistening from your lips and tongue. 

"God, Bucky," you whispered, your thighs clenching together, your hands stroking his back, his neck, his hair. You couldn't get enough of his touch underneath your fingertips. 

"Yeah." Was all he said, his voice as soft as yours.

Biting your lip again you pulled your teeth away when you heard him groaning. For a moment you had forgotten what he had said. Swallowing you glanced up at him, your voice shaky, suddenly feeling shy under his intense gaze. "I'm still in charge, right? So I mean... can we... I..." 

"Yeah. Course, whatever you want, Y/N," he replied, despite not knowing what you were asking. His gaze softened, a small encouraging smile curling up his lips as he watched you with curious eyes.

Pushing on his shoulders Bucky got the hint as he rolled off of you, laying on his back. You wasted no time in moving to straddle his lap again before asking him to sit up. Resting your hands on his shoulders he placed his hands on your waist steadying you. Pressing your chest against his you sighed at the skin on skin contact as you kissed him sweetly. Your movements weren't as smooth as his when he had switched your position earlier and you were left feeling awkward and clumsy. 

"Is this okay?"

Bucky found it difficult to reply to your question when all he could focus on was the feeling of your breasts pressed so firmly against his chest, the feeling of you in his lap again making it all too easy for you to grind down on his throbbing erection, the feeling of so much skin on skin contact was driving him crazy as was knowing that the only thing that separated the two of you were his boxers and your underwear. 

"You didn't like the other position?" He teased, feeling the need to break the tension before he did or said something he'd regret. 

"I did, but I just...," you started, pausing as you struggled to gather your thoughts. Sighing you shrugged your shoulders, your fingers toying with the hair that rested at the back of his neck. "I like this better. I don't know." 

"Yeah?" He asked as he slid his hand up your back, rubbing circles against your skin in an attempt to get you to relax again. He hated seeing you so unsure, so shy anytime he asked you a question. 

"I like this position too," he whispered, pressing his mouth against your ear enjoying the way you shivered in his arms. 

"You do?" You asked, your voice breathy, your eyes fluttering shut as you melted into his touch. 

"Course," he started, his lips working their way down your neck in soft, sweet kisses in an attempt to get you fully relaxed again. "I like bein' able to hold you, bein' able to touch you, bein' able to help you move and ya know sometimes it's nice giving up control." 

His last words caused you to giggle which turned into a quiet moan when you felt his lips sucking another bruise into your neck. It felt too good for you to tell him to stop even though you knew you should. Tangling your fingers in his hair you ground your hips down against his. 

"What are you saying? You're always in control when you hook up?" You questioned, both wanting to and not wanting to know the answer.

Bucky let his teeth graze over your neck when he felt your hips moving against his. The friction after time without it felt so good he had to struggle to control himself again as thoughts of sliding your underwear to the side and slipping inside of you, letting you ride him until you're screaming his name invaded his mind. 

The only thing semi keeping him in control is the current conversation. Despite being best friends and telling each other almost everything when it came to sex and relationships it was something the two of you kept mostly to yourselves. 

"Most the time," he replied easily, his lips trailing down to your throat. "I like being in control."

Tilting your head back to grant him more access you let out a content sigh, feeling a little strange at the conversation at hand, but also kind of enjoying getting to know him on a deeper, more intimate level. "Then why did you give up control for me?"

The question is point blank, but it still caused him to stop his actions. It should be easy to answer, but it's not. How is he supposed to tell you that he gave it up cause you're different? Cause this is more to him than just sex? Cause he wanted you to be comfortable and relaxed with everything that happened? He can't tell you that so he goes with the next best thing. The truth, the truth that he know you won't believe. Shrugging his shoulders he kissed up the other side of your neck, his hand continuing to rub your back. 

"Cause you're special to me."

"Oh my god, Bucky," you laughed, "How many times have you used that line before and how many times has it _actually_ worked?" You can't stop laughing and though you feel kinda bad pretty soon he's joining in on the laughter too.

"Told ya, sweetheart, I'm an expert at seducing women," he replied, winking at you which sets you off on another round of laughter.

Burying your head in his neck it takes a couple minutes before your laughter dies down. When it does and you pull back to look at him you're surprised to see the intensity has returned to his eyes. You didn’t mean to, but the way he's looking at you has you biting your lip again. "What?"

The hand that had been rubbing circles on your back stopped as he lifted it up to your face, cupping your cheek his eyes never left yours. He heard your question, but he can't answer you. Not when what he wants to tell you is how beautiful you look right now, how beautiful you sound when you're laughing at something he said. No, all he can do is growl when he sees your pearly white teeth pulling on your swollen lip again. 

"What did I tell you about that, Y/N?" 

And just like that the mood has shifted from joyful and joking to something darker, something that has you feeling your underwear getting even wetter. You can feel his hand sliding from your back down to your ass and you gasp when you feel him kneading the covered flesh. The action has you unintentionally grinding your hips against his again, you can't help it, not when he's staring at you like he wants to take you right here, right now. 

"I don't know, _James,_ what did you tell me?" Your voice is sultry, the use of his first name sounding foreign as it rolls off your tongue. 

You're not used to this, this banter and the intense stares, the utter _sexiness_ of the situation and you have to keep reminding yourself you guys are just friends, nothing else. 

Bucky is rendered speechless. Between you using his first name in that tone of voice that's dripping with sex and lust and the way you're _still_ fucking biting your lip, he's never seen anything sexier and it takes all his self control and will not to flip the two of you over right now and show you all the ways he could make you scream his name. 

The hand on your waist moves to your ass, both of his hands kneading the flesh before roughly guiding you over him. The move has him groaning, the friction feeling so good and he can't deny the way your nails dig into the back of his neck, the way you start moving your hips on your own, the way your head tilts back as moans tumble from your lips, all of it so fucking hot it has his need for you growing. With your head tilted back he takes the time to ghost his lips over your throat as he continues to help guide your movements, his own hips thrusting up to meet yours. 

"Told you not to fuckin' bite your lip," he growled against your throat. 

Everything is hot and hard and fast and you never knew it could feel _so good._ You never realized how much pleasure you were missing out on when you had spent so many months wasting it on a guy who didn't give two shits about you.

"B-Bucky," you moaned, your fingers tugging on his hair as you guide his lips back to your mouth. Kissing him hungrily your teeth nip at his bottom lip and you grin when you feel him groaning, his hands digging into the flesh of your ass. 

"Yeah? And what are you going to do if I do bite my lip?"

"Jesus, Y/N," he groaned. Bucky thought he knew everything about you, thought he knew all the different sides to your personality, but this, this he was not expecting. Sure, he knew that you could get sarcastic and you had a big personality, but he _did not_ expect you to be so fucking sexy in the bedroom and it leaves him wondering if you were like this with your ex or if it's just with him. It's wrong, but the thought of you with your ex has him feeling possessive. Sliding his hands from your ass back to your waist his grip is tight, possessive and all he wants to do is erase your memories of you and your ex and replace them with him. "You wanna know what 'M gonna do?"

"Y-yes," you moaned, your earlier bravado fading a bit as you continue to rock against him. 

Everything is moving so fast, too fast and as the sounds of your heavy breaths and moans mix together you begin to feel overwhelmed by the situation, everything is so intense and different with Bucky and though you don't want to stop, you never want to stop you know that you need to slow this down. Resting your forehead against his you take a deep breath, your hips slow down and you can hear Bucky whining as he continues to thrust against you. 

"Bucky... Bucky, wait, just... s-slow down for a minute." 

While his brain hears you pleading for him to slow down it takes his body an extra minute to comprehend, but when it does he stops immediately, guilt flooding through him. He drops his hands from your waist, his eyes wide with worry and fear over the idea that he had pushed you too far. "Shit, Y/N, 'M sorry.”

Confusion is written across your face and when you pull away from Bucky you're surprised to see the worry written across his own face. "I didn't say I wanted to stop... only to slow down a little," you whispered, feeling embarrassed at having put a stop to things for the third time tonight. 

"I _like_ what we're doing, Bucky. _Really_ like it." You grind your hips against his for emphasis as you press a kiss to his lips. "I just want to take things a little slower. There's no rush, right? We have all night." 

You can still see the doubt on his face, not that you expected it to be gone, this was Bucky you were talking about. Pressing another kiss to his lips you move your mouth to his neck peppering his warm skin with open mouthed kisses. When he still doesn't make a move to continue you sigh. 

"Bucky. Please, I want this. I want _you_." It's dirty, but you pull your lips away from his neck as you look down at him, your teeth tugging your lip knowing that at least that'll get a reaction out of him. 

He's hesitant, but slowly he places his hands back on your hips, doubt mixing with pleasure as he watches you bite your lip, feels your hips moving against his slower, but somehow sexier. He watches as you moan, a small smile curling up your lips when you hit a particular spot that has you pulling him closer to you. He's still hesitant, so afraid of going too far, going too fast, he wants to apologize again, but the words don't come out, not when your fucking teeth are tugging on that fucking lip and by the glint in your eyes he can tell you're doing it on purpose now. 

"'M really sorry," he murmured and you can tell by his voice how guilty he still feels.

"Bucky," you sighed, your hips stopping again. "It's okay, _really._ I just need a slower pace for right now, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, okay," he agreed, albeit reluctantly. 

Watching your face for any sign of discomfort he gives you full control vowing not to do anything until you tell him it's okay. He can feel your lips working over the sweet spot on his neck and despite still feeling guilty he can't help the moan that tumbles from his lips as your teeth graze his neck and your hips move down over his again. His grip on you tightens and although he wants nothing more than to continue the fast and hard pace of earlier he has to admit the slower pace is nice too. He likes being able to feel you pressing down against him, likes being able to hear your little whimpers and gasps and slowly, oh so slowly he can feel himself getting back into the rhythm as his guilt subsides.

"Is this okay?" Kissing up his neck you whine when you feel him begin to move up against you. The slower pace is exactly what you needed, it's not so overwhelming and as your hips rock against his you press your mouth against his ear, letting him know just how _much_ you're enjoying this.

Between your moans against his ear and the pace Bucky feels like he's going to explode. He never knew slow could feel so good. Never knew just how good it could feel to give up control to someone else. 

"Yeah," he groaned, sliding a hand to your lower back. "This better for you?"

The pace of your hips picks up ever so slightly as you pull your mouth away from Bucky's ear. Nodding your head yes you smile down at him, your fingers tugging on his hair.

"S-so much better. Don't stop, don't ever stop," you begged. 

Bucky can't help grinning when he hears you begging, the sound is like music to his ears. "Yeah? You like this, baby?" He teased. 

Unable to speak you nod your head yes again, your lips dipping down to catch his in a passionate kiss. "Bucky...," you mumbled in between kisses. "I'm getting close."

Bucky groaned, those four words making him almost come right there. The tone of your voice, the shyness mixed with sweetness mixed with a neediness to release all the pent up frustration from the day has him wondering what you're going to look like when you come, what you're going to sound like, and it's wrong, so fucking wrong, you're his best friend, but he can't help it and it's only when he feels your nails in his shoulders that he comes back to his senses. 

"Tell me what you need, Y/N, let me make you feel good."

His words have you shivering in his arms. The fact that he _wants_ to make you feel good is such a contrast from your ex and for a minute you're lost, you don't know what to tell him, you've never been in this position before. 

"Don't... don't stop," you moaned, your head tilting back as you pick up the pace of your hips.

Seeing your head tilted back Bucky takes the opportunity to press open mouthed kisses against your throat, your neck, your chest, anywhere he can get his lips. "Come on, let go for me," he murmured, his voice sounding like velvet as his hips move up against yours roughly.

Parting your lips to tell him you're _almost there_ you yelp in surprise, your body stiffening, your eyes going wide, tears threatening to spill down your cheeks when you hear the loud pounding on door.

"Y/N? Do you have a _boy_ in there?" Comes the teasing voice of your best friend and roommate Natasha. 

"Shit, shit, shit," you mumbled, a few tears leaking from your eyes as you glance down at Bucky to see his blue eyes widened with panic. You hadn't told her about your arrangement with Bucky yet and now was not how you wanted to have that conversation. 

"Um...," you started, glancing down at him for help when he only shrugged his shoulders helplessly you panic. "No? I mean... yes.. kind of?" Glaring at Bucky you cover his mouth with your hand when he starts to chuckle at your panicked response.

"Uh huh. Well when you two get done we've got takeout."

"We? Who's we?" You called, your panic rising at the thought of having to explain this to not just one, but two people.

"Steve."

Dropping your hand from Bucky's mouth you glare at him. "Not so funny now, is it?" You snapped, struggling to keep your voice quiet before you yell to Natasha that you'll be out in a minute. 

You're frozen on Bucky's lap as the events of the day catch up with you and the more you think about having to explain this to both Steve and Natasha the more panicked you get. There's no way of getting off of Bucky's lap without him seeing all of you and though you know after everything you guys have been through it's ridiculous to be feeling shy now, but that's exactly what you're feeling. 

"This is humiliating," you mumbled, burying your head in his neck. "What are we supposed to tell them? God what if they heard us? _Heard me?_ And the worst part about all of this? _I was so close!_ " Given the circumstances of the situation you know it's stupid to be upset about not finishing, but it had been so long since someone had given you an orgasm. Sure, you got yourself off, but it wasn't the same as someone else. 

Bucky's hands are on your back in an instant, his lips whispering soothing words in your ear though he knows it's useless. He doesn't know what to say to make this better for you. He had planned on telling Steve about the two of you, but that was when they were alone, not in front of Natasha or you. 

"Hey, come on, it's okay. Think of it this way, we tell them, they know and then we get food, yeah? That's something to look forward to."

"Really? _Really,_ James? _Food_? _That's_ what you're thinking about right now? Not about us telling our best friends that we're hooking up? _Or_ having to go out there and having them _know_ we were in the middle of a hook up?"

"When you phrase it like that it sounds bad, honey."

Lifting your head from his neck you glare at him. This isn't his fault, but you can't help being mad at him for thinking about food right now. Not when all you can think about is how close you had been to finishing and about having to explain this. Swiping at the few tears that had fallen you sigh in frustration as you get off Bucky's lap and reach down for your clothes. Grabbing your bra you quickly put it on before grabbing your shirt and jeans. Pulling those on you toss Bucky his jeans avoiding his gaze as he gets dressed.

"Hey, it's okay, come here," he coaxed. 

You don't want to. You want the floor to open up and swallow you, but you know if anyone can make you feel better it's him. Sighing you step into his open arms, burying your head in his bare chest as you struggle to hold back your tears.

Bucky presses a soft kiss to the top of your head. "Here's what's goin' to happen. We'll go out there and pretend it's not a big deal. I'll talk to Steve when we're alone and you can tell Nat when you guys are alone, okay? It doesn't have to be awkward. We're all adults here and we're all friends they'll understand."

Sniffling you nod your head. It's not the greatest plan, but you guys don't have a lot of options.

"And as for you not finishing I _promise_ next time I'll get you off. As many times as you want, however you want," he murmured lowly.

You can feel heat rising to your face, but you nod your head. "Who says there's going to be a next time?"

Bucky smirked. "The way you were moaning my name? There's going to be a next time, sweetheart."

"I think you're exaggerating. I was not moaning your name that much."

"Really? So it wasn't you beggin' me not to stop? _Multiple times_?"

"Shut up," you said, a smile curling up your lips as you take a deep breath heading towards your bedroom door. Reaching for the doorknob you pause when you feel Bucky's hand on your wrist. 

"Hey, before we go out there I gotta ask. Before, when you wanted to slow down, that wasn't your first time doin' that was it?" The way he asked it has your heart melting, he looks so shy, so sheepish as he rubs the back of his neck.

Shaking your head no you glance down at the floor before looking back up at him. "It wasn't my first time, but it was my first time doing that practically naked and it was just... intense. In a good way. I promise."

Satisfied with your answer he nods his head once. "Can I ask another question?"

"Sure."

"When was the last time someone got you off?"

"Bucky!" 

"What? We saw each other almost naked, I almost got you off, it's a fair question. You can't tell me you're embarrassed by that after what we did," he said smirking.

"I hate you," you muttered, your hand twisting the doorknob you open your bedroom door and take a tentative step out. You can hear Steve and Natasha's quiet voices in the kitchen and when you turn around you can see Bucky still smirking at you.

"Not what you were moaning earlier," he shot back, his face flushing as he sees Natasha and Steve entering the living room, a look of amusement and surprise on their faces.

"Well. This is interesting," Natasha said, her gaze flickering between you and Bucky as Steve stands next to her, his arms crossed over his chest, his eyebrows raised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who’s left comments and kudos and subscribed and favorited this story it truly means the world to me.
> 
> When I first started writing this I wasn’t even sure I was going to post it and when I did I never expected to get so many wonderful and kind comments.
> 
> Thank you guys so much! 💕

"That was torture. Pure torture," you said, plopping down onto the couch in exhaustion. It was hard to believe everything that had happened in the past couple of hours from making out with Bucky to practically getting caught when Natasha and Steve came over with food.

"It wasn't that bad," Natasha said, sitting down next to you.

"Were we at the same dinner? Because it was awful. _You_ couldn't stop making jokes about _everything._ _Steve_ couldn't stop staring. _Bucky_ couldn't stop laughing at your ridiculous comments which by the way weren't even that funny! It was horrible," you muttered, covering your face as you thought back to what had taken place only an hour ago.

After coming out of your room with Bucky each of you had been rooted to the spot, your faces burning with heat of embarrassment, your hair messed up, clothes rumpled, hickies adorning each of your necks as if you were teenagers instead of adults and Bucky was _still_ standing behind you shirtless. 

It had taken a couple of minutes for the shock and surprise to wear off from Nat and Steve's faces at seeing the two of you like that, but once it did it was downhill from there. 

It started with Nat and her jokes which Bucky found _hilarious._ You and Steve? Not so much. Steve couldn't seem to stop staring at you and Bucky and though you wanted to ask him what he was staring at, what he was thinking about you couldn't. All you could do was sit there, pretend to enjoy your food while hoping and praying for a giant hole to open up in the floor and swallow you whole. 

"Maybe you should have waited until you were both in your room before stripping off your clothes," she teased, laughing when she heard you groaning in embarrassment.

"In my defense it was only his shirt and I didn't think you were going to be home until later! And I _definitely_ didn't think you were bringing Steve over." 

Looking back you knew that maybe you could have handled things differently. Like telling her about your arrangement which you had planned to do earlier, but when Bucky came over to hang out things had... escalated. "You know I meant to tell you about... everything, right? I didn't want you finding out like... _this._ " 

Chewing on your lower lip you glanced over at Nat. She didn't look mad, more amused and you could almost read on her face all the questions she was dying to ask you. Better to get it over with now you thought. It wasn't like this night could get any more awkward. "Ask away."

Tilting her head to the side Natasha glanced over at you, a smirk curling up her lips as she reached over, her fingers tugging down the collar of your shirt. "How many hickies did he leave on you?"

"Hey!" You yelled, swatting her fingers away. You tugged your collar up, your hand touching your neck, partly in embarrassment, partly to trace the marks he had left you with. It still didn't feel real, this arrangement, this hookup, whatever you wanted to call it and it had not been for the visible marks left on you you swore you'd have imagined it.

"I give you a chance to ask a question and _that's_ what you go with?" Her smirk only grew.

"Okay, fine, serious question. What changed your mind I thought you wanted to lose your virginity to a stranger?"

"I did, at first. And then I don't know. The more I thought about it the more I knew that it didn't feel right. I wanted it to be with someone I trust."

"So you chose Bucky?" she asked, her eyebrows raising in equal parts curiosity and amusement.

Shrugging your shoulders you shifted on the couch, her gaze feeling intense and all knowing. 

"I mean... yeah? Aside from Steve I've known him the longest and I trust him." You watched her nod her head her gaze never leaving yours and you can feel yourself going on the defense and you don't know why. Narrowing your eyes you ready yourself for the inevitable lecture that's sure to follow, but her next words catch you off guard and if you weren't sitting so close to her you weren’t sure you would have heard her mumbling them.

"Bet he jumped at the chance when you asked him."

"What are you talking about?" You asked, confusion lacing your words. When she only looks at you blankly you frown. " _What?_ "

Shaking her head Nat only chuckled. For someone so smart you can be so clueless sometimes, she doesn't tell you that though, she would never tell you that. "Nothing. I don't want to have to kill him if he hurts you is all." Despite the lightness to her voice there's a slight edge underlining her words. 

"Calm down, he's not going to hurt me," you said, with a roll of your eyes. While you appreciated how she always looked out you for sometimes she took it a little too far. There was still a trace of doubt in her eyes however. 

"Any other questions you're dying to ask because if not I'm going to take a shower and go to bed." Until the words had left your mouth you didn't realize just how tired you really were. Your eyes felt heavy as you fought back a yawn and all you could think about was crawling into bed and sleeping. The thought of going back into your room, back into your bed where you and Bucky had spent much of the afternoon had you biting your lower lip.

"Looks like someone will be having sweet dreams tonight," she teased, watching as you got up from the couch and headed towards the bathroom. "Hey, be careful, okay?"

"With taking a shower? I think I can handle it," you teased.

"You know what I mean. I don't want to see you get hurt again, Y/N," Natasha said, her voice serious for maybe the first time tonight.

You want to tell her that you'll be fine, that you're not going to get hurt, but you don't say anything, you know that there's nothing you can say after she had been with you through your last heartbreak. All the hours she had spent holding you as you cried, all the alcohol you had drunk to numb the pain, all the ice cream you had eaten, all the yelling and screaming you had done. It hadn't been easy for any of your friends to witness, but as your best female friend and roommate she had seen the worst of your heartbreak and it wasn't something she was looking forward to dealing with again. 

"I'll be okay," you assured her.

Bucky couldn’t stop smiling as he walked next to Steve down the crowded streets of New York. 

The dinner hadn’t been as bad as he thought it would have been. Natasha had made some good jokes, the food was good, the company better, but he wished that he had been able to spend a little more alone time with you before being interrupted. 

Maybe it was selfish. After all you guys had spent the whole afternoon together wrapped up in each others arms, kissing, touching, exploring, but it wasn’t enough, he didn’t think it was ever going to be enough. He was addicted to you. Addicted to your kisses, to your touches, to the beautiful whines and gasps and moans. And listening to you moan his name? Jesus he didn’t think he had ever heard anything more beautiful. 

The memory of you spread out underneath him _begging_ him to touch you, _begging_ him for more mixed with the memory of you straddling his waist, your perfect breasts pressed against his chest, your hips moving so deliciously over his hardened length. _Jesus._ The thought was making him grow hard already and all he wanted was to turn around barge back into your apartment and pick things up where you left off. 

In the back of his mind the part that wasn’t lust filled and hazy he knew he was walking a tightrope of bad decisions. Friends with benefits was a slippery slope.

He _knew_ that. He had _warned_ you about that. Yet here was, walking next to his other best friend his mind consumed with thoughts of you. Shaking his head he pulled open the door to the bar. 

Squinting into the darkness Bucky’s blue eyes swept over the near empty bar searching for someplace private. Steve surprisingly hadn’t brought up what had taken place earlier and he knew it was only a matter of time before he did. It was better to have this conversation in private like he had promised you he would. Slipping into a booth near the back he nodded to Steve when he slid his drink to him.

Watching with narrowed eyes the way his best friend clenched his jaw, his grip tight on his own bottle of beer Bucky frowned. It wasn’t the first time he had seen him look so disappointed and angry, but it was weird having it directed at him. Steve had stayed quiet throughout most of the dinner. His gaze too busy staring holes in Y/N and you to say much of anything. 

“I was going to tel-,” Bucky started, before Steve grunted and cut him off.

“What are you doing, Buck? Are you guys dating?”

“No. It’s more of a friends with benefits thing.” Silence greeted him and Bucky found himself sighing. It was uncomfortable having Steve’s ire pointed at him. 

“You think that’s a good idea?” Rubbing his hand over his face Steve set his beer down. Resting his elbows on the sticky table he frowned. “We’ve been friends for a long time with Y/N. _You’ve_ been friends with her since you guys were in diapers. I don’t want to see you guys get hurt over this is all I’m saying. Think about what you’re doing.” 

“What was I supposed to do? She was going to have Natasha set her up with some guy she didn’t even know, Steve!” Bucky yelled, anger coursing through his veins at the thought before he settled down realizing they were in public. 

“I didn’t wanna see her get hurt again. I _know_ what I’m doin’. Nobody’s gonna get hurt. Nothing’s going to change with any of us,” he said repeating the same words you had told him the morning after your proposal.

“Be careful,” was all Steve said before picking his drink back up and taking a large swig. 

After bidding Natasha goodnight and taking a long, hot shower you crawled into bed. Pulling the covers up you leaned back, your eyes fluttering shut before the sound of your phone ringing had you groaning in frustration. The thought of not answering it flitters through your mind, but the thought that it could be important has you grabbing it, a smile curving your lips up when you see the picture of you and Bucky taken at Coney Island last summer. Both of you smiling, his arm wrapped around your shoulders pulling you closer. It's one of your favorite pictures. 

"You're not tired of me yet?" You teased.

"Of you? Never." His voice was low and you can hear his warm laughter on the other end of the phone. "Wanted to check on you. Make sure you were okay after tonight."

Shrugging your shoulders you forgot that he can't see you. His question filled you with a warmth and you can't stop the smile that stretches across your face. This is ridiculous. He's your best friend you shouldn't be feeling these butterflies in your stomach shouldn't be smiling this much from a question he's asked you thousands of times before. But something about this feels different. 

"I'm okay," you said. "Still a little mortified I guess, but I'll survive. Are you okay?" 

Chewing on your lower lip you can't help wondering and worrying what the _real_ reason for this phone call was for. If he wanted to check on you he would have texted like he usually did at night. Not that you're complaining though. You like talking to him on the phone it reminds you of when you guys were younger and you'd spend hours at night on the phone talking and laughing and falling asleep together. 

"'M okay. Ya know Nat called me earlier."

Taking a deep breath you flinched, again forgetting that he can't see you. 

"And?" You prompted making a mental note to talk to her in the morning. While you knew that she was only looking out for you this was getting a little ridiculous. You were surprised that Steve hadn't called you to tell you to be careful, though you were sure that was coming probably tomorrow in person. 

"-said she'd kill me slowly."

Bucky heard the silence on the other end of the phone and for a moment he thought you had fallen asleep, but when he heard the rustling of sheets he could picture you readjusting, picture you laying down, your head on your pillow, the covers pulled around you, the phone tucked between your ear and shoulder as you settled in for a night of conversation. 

You hadn't heard a word he had said and though you wanted to ask him to repeat it before you got a chance he was speaking again.

"'Sides I thought we could play a game, maybe get your mind off what happened tonight at dinner."

"What kind of game did you have in mind?"

"Honesty," he said. 

It was a game the two of you used to play when you were younger and though he can't remember who started it or why he does remember that it always brought you guys closer. It was during a game of honesty that he found out your parents were getting divorced when you were a kid, it was where he had told you about his first kiss, his first crush, it was where you told him about your first awkward date and he told you about his first time. It was something for the two of you.

Exhaling you glanced up at the ceiling smiling. You hadn't thought about the honesty game in months, it had to have been at least a year since the two of you had last played it. 

"Okay. But if you ask me what I'm wearing I'm hanging up on you."

Bucky let out a hearty laugh and though it wasn't intentional his mind wandered to what you were wearing. "Honey, I already know what you're wearing.

"You do not. There is _no_ way you can know that!"

"If I'm right I get to ask you two questions instead of one, deal?"

"And when I'm right I get to ask all the questions, deal?"

"Sure, but I already know I'm right," he drawled. Without giving you a chance to say something he's talking again. "You're wearing one of my shirts and a pair of shorts." Smirking as he hears you sputtering on the other end of the phone he prepares his two questions.

Glancing down at your pajamas you hate to admit that he's right. You _are_ wearing one of his shirts and a comfy pair of pajama shorts. "How did you know that?" 

"Nope. I get to ask the first two questions," he said, smugness dripping from his voice. He waits a minute to see if you're going to say something, but when you don't he only smirks. "First question. When was the last time someone got you off?"

"Seriously, Bucky?" You groaned. "Out of all the things you could ask me _that's_ what you go with?" 

"You gotta answer it."

"I hate you. So much." He can't see you, but that doesn't stop you from clenching your eyes shut. You don't want to admit the answer, but you have to say that in someways it's easier like this on the phone instead of in person. 

"I don't remember." Sucking in a deep breath you bite your lower lip as you wait for him to laugh, wait for him to ask if you're joking, wait for him to say _something_ , but all there is on the other line is silence and it's jarring. "Second question?"

"How do you not remember?" He didn’t mean to blurt it out, didn’t mean to sound so shocked either, but he can't help it. Sure, he knew that your ex was an asshole, knew that your relationship was far from perfect, but this... this he wasn't expecting. 

Running a hand over his face he sighed. "He got you off, Y/N, didn't he?" Bucky gritted his teeth, both wanting to and not wanting to hear the answer.

"Because I don't remember, okay?" You snapped, beginning to regret this game. There's silence on the other end of the phone again and part of you wanted to apologize, but then you heard his next question, heard the tenseness that laced his words and you find yourself flinching at his tone. 

"That's two questions not one which means it's my turn. Why are you so obsessed with my relationship with him Bucky? When we were together you'd practically run out of the room anytime his name came up or I wanted to talk about him and now that he dumped me and you agreed to sleep with me it's like... god it's like you're weirdly _obsessed_ with knowing everything that we did or didn't do. So why?" 

The question spilled from your lips before you had a chance to really think about what you're asking him. But even if you could take it back you don't think you would. 

When Bucky had suggested this game he hadn't anticipated it taking such a turn, though he should have. After all he was the one that started the game off. Sighing he struggled to find the right words to say, struggled with trying to explain himself, struggled with how to answer your question in a way that wouldn't upset you more than he already did. Switching the phone from one ear to the other he exhaled, leaning back against his pillow. 

"'M not obsessed," he started, trying and failing to keep the anger out of his voice. 

Taking a deep breath he tried again, his voice softer, but there's still a hint of anger in his words. "'M tryin' to understand why you wasted your time on him. He didn't care about you or your needs you made that pretty fuckin' obvious today whenever I touched you actin' like it was the first time anybody had taken the time to make you feel good." 

Bucky wanted to add more, but when he heard you sniffling quietly on the other end he can feel his blood run cold. The last thing he wanted to do was make you cry. "Y/N, _I’m sorry._ "

Swiping at your eyes you grit your teeth frustrated that every time you think you've moved on from the hurt he caused somebody or something reminds you of it again and your heart feels as if it's being ripped open all over again. Part of you wanted to hang up on Bucky, but you don't, it's something you guys have never done before and you're not willing to start now. 

"It wasn't always like that." 

You don't know why you're defending your ex and it makes you angry. Your relationship with him had been far from perfect, but in the beginning it had been good. He had been charming, funny, sweet. It wasn’t until you guys had been together for a couple of months and weren’t ready to sleep with him that things had taken a turn. He became short tempered, snapping at you, making comments about how if you really cared about him you’d sleep with him, how it wasn’t even a big deal. 

Again, the signs had been there that he was an asshole. Hell, even your friends had seen the signs in the beginning of your relationship, but you had been so desperate to have someone like you that you had stuck around. Even when things took a turn for the worse. You had never wanted to be one of those people so desperate for love and affection that you stayed in a bad relationship, but that’s exactly what had happened and you hated yourself for it everyday. 

The tears that had slipped from your eyes only moments before turned to anger as his question hung in the air between you. "

Yes, Bucky he got me off. You want to know how many times and how and if I enjoyed it too? Or maybe you'd be more interested in knowing how many times I got him off. Or hey, since we're playing honesty maybe you wanna know something that actually pertains to you like how he didn't like you or trust you, but how I defended you against him every single time you came up in a conversation. Or better yet why you don't you give him a call and the two of you can compare notes about me." 

If it wasn't for the sound of Bucky's quiet breaths on the other end of the phone you'd think he had hung up. Both of you are silent for a couple minutes and once again you're caught in a game of chicken with him over who's going to say something first. You hate fighting with him. It's something the two of you rarely ever do. 

" _I’m sorry_ ," Bucky tried again. 

Your words are a lot for him to unpack and he's not sure where to start. He shouldn't, he knows he shouldn't but he feels a sense of warmth when he hears you say that you defended him against your ex. And he knows he should drop the conversation, should move on he's caused enough damage, but he can't let it rest he needs to know even though it shouldn't matter it does. 

"Can I ask one more question and then I'll drop it?"

"Fine."

"Why didn't he trust me?"

Snorting you bit back a laugh. Whatever you had been expecting him to ask it hadn’t been that and it takes you a couple of minutes to compose yourself. 

"He was convinced you were in love with me which is ridiculous." Your sigh drowned out the sound of Bucky's sharp inhale of breath. 

"We used to fight about it all the time." Shrugging your shoulders you feel stupid again that you ignored all the warning signs of your relationship with him.

"Can we not talk about him?" You asked softly.

"Yeah, sure, of course," he said, stumbling over his words. Clearing his throat he struggled to gather his racing thoughts. "I think it's your turn if you're still up for playing."

"I'm still up for it." You left out the part about how you'd be up for anything if it meant you could avoid talking about your ex and dinner. "Okay how did you know what I was wearing?"

It's Bucky's turn to laugh at your question and his warm laughter fills your ear. "Easy. You always wear one of my shirts when you're having a bad day and I figured after dinner you'd be wearing one. You wanna know what I'm wearing?" He teased, smirking when he hears you laughing.

"Pretty sure this how phone sex starts."

"You have a lot of phone sex?"

"Bucky!" Even though he can't see you that doesn't stop you from burying your face in your blanket. After everything that happened today his question shouldn't be making heat crawl up your face from embarrassment, but it does. Chewing on your lip you focus on the gentle sounds of his breathing hoping that if you don't answer he'll move on, but he doesn't.

"Well? You gonna answer?" His voice is low and sexy and it has you biting down roughly on your lower lip to hold back your whine as you clench your thighs together.

"I hate you." 

"You do not."

He's right. You could never hate him. Not even when he's making you answer embarrassing questions you don't want to. "No, I haven't. Have you?"

"A couple times," he replied easily and though he knows it shouldn't matter he's kind of glad to hear that you haven't he wants to be your first. 

"You want to?" His words are teasing for the most part, but he still sucks in a breath as he waits for your answer and when he hears you yelling his name again he can almost hear the embarrassment lacing your words. "You know there's nothing to be embarrassed about, sweetheart. Might help get your mind off tonight and help you relax." 

"We are _not_ having phone sex, Bucky." Even as you say the words you hate to admit that he _does_ have a point. It probably would help you relax and you _really_ hate to admit it, but you're still annoyed that you didn't get to finish today after being _so close_. 

"I'm not embarrassed," you mumbled. "Why should I do all the work when _you_ were the one who promised to get _me_ off?"

"Jesus, Y/N," he groaned, not expecting to hear those words come out of your mouth. Tilting his head back against his pillow he closes his eyes for a moment, inhaling deeply as he struggles to focus on anything other than the uncomfortable tightening in his boxers. Opening his eyes when he hears your soft giggles he groans again. "Tease."

"You're one to talk." 

"Didn't hear you complain' earlier."

That shut you up for a minute as your mind drifts back to earlier. He's not wrong. You want to tell him to shut up again, but you don't. You don't say anything for a couple of minutes until you do, the question tumbling from your lips before you have a chance to even think about if it's a good idea or not. 

"Speaking of earlier... you never told me what you were going to do if I kept biting my lip."

"Don't think it was your turn, honey."

"Oh, _now_ you care about taking turns? And since when do you try and avoid questions?" You teased, enjoying the way the tables had turned.

"'M not avoiding the question."

"Yes, you are."

"You really wanna know?"

" _Yes._ Who's being the being the tease now?"

Inhaling Bucky considers not answering your question, but he's never not answered one before and he's not going to start now. Besides he'd be lying if he said he's not interested in hearing your reaction. 

"If you kept biting your lip after I told you not to I was goin' to flip you over, pin your wrists above your head and kiss every inch of your body until you were beggin' me to touch you." He can hear your sharp inhale of breath, can practically feel you gnawing on your lower lip and though he knows he should stop, knows that once again the two of you are entering dangerous and foreign territory in your friendship he _can't_ stop not yet. 

"And once I had you beggin' I'd touch you slowly exploring every inch of your body and I wouldn't stop until I made you forget everyone's name except mine. I'd have you screamin' my name, Y/N," he murmured lowly, enjoying the way all he can hear is your shaky breath on the other end of the line. When he doesn't hear you say anything after a minute he's worried he's crossed a line. After all this isn't exactly something best friends are supposed to talk about and he can feel the lines starting to blur between friends and something more. "Still with me?"

"Y-yeah," you breathed out, hating the way he's turned you into a stuttering mess. 

Your heart is pounding heavily beneath your chest and not for the first time are you glad this conversation is on the phone instead of in person. The thought of him seeing you with one hand curled tightly around your phone, your other hand clenching your blanket, your breathing heavy, your eyes closed, your lips parted, you're a mess and all because of some _words._ You can't even begin to imagine him actually doing those things to you, you're not going to survive and just the _thought_ has you whimpering. You've never wanted anything so badly in your life and you pray that he didn't hear you. 

“Y-you shouldn’t say stuff like that, Bucky,” you murmured.

“Why? Cause we’re friends?”

“No. I mean yes. I mean... you shouldn’t say things like that if you’re not going to do them.”

"You know we could still have that phone sex," he drawled, smirking when he hears you whimper. 

The tension is thick, neither of you saying anything for a minute as his question lingers in the air. 

"Nice try, but the answer is still no." It takes a couple of minutes, but you're finally able to string a full sentence together. Your breathing is starting to return to normal and as your eyes flutter open you loosen your hold on both your phone and your blanket. 

“You could come over here,” he offered, hope lacing his words at the thought of you laying beneath him naked, your wrists pinned by his pillow, his lips and hands exploring every fuckin’ inch of your body and not stopping until he has you so completely satisfied his name is the only thing spilling from your swollen lips.

“And be your late night booty call? Again, nice try, but the answer is still no.”

“You’d be more than a booty call, Y/N, you know that, right?”

Gnawing on your lip you want to ask him what he means, but before you get a chance he’s speaking again.

"Well don't say I didn't offer," he teased, his laughter coaxing you into joining him and just like that the tension is broken and you're back to acting more like best friends instead of something more. 

Bucky glanced over at the clock, surprised to see it's after midnight. He doesn't want to, but he knows you have work today. "It's getting late I should let you get some sleep."

His words cause you to frown. Even though you've spent most of the day with him you're reluctant to hang up the phone. "One more question?"

"Sure, one more question." He never could say no to you.

"I know it's dumb and we haven't done this in years, but will you stay on the phone until I fall asleep?"

Bucky smiled to himself thinking of all the times the two of you would talk on the phone only for one or both of you to fall asleep. It wasn't unusual for one of you to wake up in the morning only to find the phone still on gentle even breaths on the other end. 

"You're not tired of me yet?" He teased, using your earlier words against you.

"Not quite yet. So... is that a yes?"

He doesn't have to think about it, he'd do anything for you including staying on the phone with you all night. "You really have to ask?"

Yawning you snuggle into your bed your eyes fluttering shut and you realize just how tired you are. "Thank you," you mumbled.

Bucky isn't sure how long he stays on the phone listening to the sound of your gentle breathing before sleep overtakes him, but he does know that he'd do this every night if you asked him to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is another chapter!
> 
> I will hopefully be able to keep the schedule of posting a chapter each week, but I temporarily lost my job today due to our governor shutting down every non-essential business and forcing everyone to stay home so things are a little stressful on the home front. But I will try my best to keep up the posting schedule!
> 
> I also hope that everyone out there is staying safe in these crazy times and not going too crazy during quarantine.

It didn't seem possible, but after your first hookup and your late night conversation your bond with Bucky grew stronger with the two of you in near constant contact. If you weren't on the phone talking you were texting each other memes and if you weren't doing that you were hanging out with each other. 

More than once Natasha had teasingly brought up the way the two of you were acting someone would think you were dating. The comment had made you laugh and roll your eyes at first, but the more you dwelled on her words the more you wondered if there was a grain of truth to it. 

Sure, you had caught him glancing at you more than usual, but you were pretty sure it was only because he was still worried about moving too fast. And yeah when you guys had gone out to eat with Steve and Nat you had noticed the way he'd let his fingers brush against yours anytime he passed you something over the table, but you were pretty sure it was only because the table was small it was hard _not_ to do that. 

And okay yeah maybe he had been calling you every night to say good night. Most nights even staying on the phone until you fell asleep, but you were pretty sure that it was only because it reminded both of you when you were kids. Nostalgia was powerful, that was all. Nothing had changed. The two of you were still best friends, would always be best friends and that's how you guys were still acting. At least that's what you tried to tell yourself.

You were still trying to convince yourself of that when you arrived at his apartment for movie night. Seeing him in a pair of grey joggers and a tight black tee shirt made that difficult when all you could think about was the way he looked with only his boxers on. You hadn't even been in his apartment for five minutes and already your teeth were tugging on lower lip which only served to remind you of your phone conversation where he had told you exactly what he wanted to do when he saw you do that.

"You didn't tell me tonight was goin' to be a fancy movie night," he teased, his eyes drinking you in.

Looking down at your simple thin strapped blue dress with white flowers that rested at your knees you rolled your eyes. "Very funny. I went out for coffee after work with Nat and didn't feel like going back to our place to change, but clearly I didn't get the memo we were having a pajama party tonight," you teased right back, tossing your light sweater and purse by his door. Kicking off your shoes you walked over to the couch sitting down. "What are we watching?"

"Dunno yet," he said, scrolling through Netflix pausing occasionally to watch a preview before moving on.

"Don't pick something dumb."

"When have I ever picked something dumb?" He scoffed, hitting play on a movie that was exactly that, _dumb._

"Seriously? No, Bucky we've seen this movie like ten times!" You whined, glaring at him.

"That's a bit of an exaggeration."

"It is not. We watched this _last month._ Pick something else."

"Don't think it's your turn to pick the movie."

"Seriously?"

"Seriously." Shrugging his shoulders he smirked as he settled into the couch ignoring the death glares you were shooting at him.

Crossing your arms over your chest you groaned leaning your head back against the couch you begrudgingly watch the movie he's made you sit through countless times already. Placing the remote on the coffee table Bucky gets up. Waiting until he leaves the room you grab the remote closing out of his movie and going back to the main screen you search for something else to watch.

"Did you really change my movie?"

"You weren't watching it."

"Cause I was in the bathroom!"

"Too bad."

"Y/N, give me the remote."

"No."

"Y/N," his voice is low and you can hear his footsteps moving behind the couch coming closer to you.

Tucking the remote in between your side and the couch cushion you ignore him watching as Netflix begins to play previews for another movie. "I told you we've already seen that movie ten times. And it's not even that good!"

"I can't believe you just said that," he muttered. His hand dives between your side and the couch trying to grab the remote, but you're faster as you swat his hand away. Bucky's expression is one of amusement as he stares you down. "Really?"

"Really."

Sighing he moves around the couch sitting down next to you his shoulder bumping against yours as the soft material of his joggers brush against your bare leg. Biting down on your lower lip you clench your thighs together struggling to focus on anything other than how close he is, how easy it would be for him to pin you underneath him and kiss you, how easy it would be to climb into his lap and kiss those perfect lips.

"You plan on watching this preview all night?"

"What?"

Glancing between him and the tv you murmur an _oh_ before reaching for the remote. Before you have a chance to click on anything he's plucking the remote from your hand and navigating his way back through the main menu.

"Bucky!"

"I promise we'll only watch it if we can't find anything else."

"You've been making a lot of promises. You sure you can keep them all?"

"I always keep my promises."

Leaning down so his mouth is pressed against your ear he whispered, "You're still in charge. So if there's something you want you gotta tell me."

Shivering as his warm breath hits you you whine. You've never been good at telling people what you want, especially when it comes to relationships and this no exception. "Bucky..."

"Tell me what you want, Y/N," he murmured, and as you shift on the couch you can practically feel him smiling against your ear. "Come on, I don't bite, unless you want me to."

"You _know_ what I want," you whispered, turning your head to catch his lips in a kiss. Nipping at his lower lip you whine when he pulls back with a small shake of his head.

"Honey, need to hear you say it. You know the rules." His words are sweet as he gently cups your warm cheek and the touch though meant to be comforting has the opposite effect for you. It lights your body on fire. It's subtle at first, but your breathing picks up, your underwear growing slicker, heat rising to your face and you wonder if he knows what's he doing to you. Leaning in for another kiss you groan when he pulls back at the last second. 

"I hate your dumb rules."

His laughter surprises you almost as much as when he grants you that kiss you were so eagerly looking for only moments before, but it's just a peck not nearly enough to dampen the fire he's lit inside of you.

"Since when? You thrive on rules."

"I do not."

He stared into your eyes for a moment, the pad of his thumb brushing over your cheek and as you try to focus on his words all you can think about is tilting your head _just so_ and taking his thumb into your mouth again. Your mouth waters with the thought and you know this torture could be over if you tell him what he needs to hear, but you _can't._

"You do too. Remember when you were a senior and you refused to skip on senior skip day? And I to-,"

"Kidnapped me. You _kidnapped_ me and took me to Coney Island," you finished for him, smiling at the memory.

Scoffing he continued to rub the pad of his thumb over your cheek. "You really gotta stop saying it like that you're gonna get me in trouble some day," he teased. "The point is we had fun that day didn't we? Yeah, I had to force you to follow the rules and do skip day, but we went to Coney Island. I won you that giant unicorn. Bought you cotton candy. We went on the wonder wheel at sunset like you always wanted to do."

Your mind drifted back to that day that seemed so long ago. It was true you hadn't wanted to do skip day for fear that you'd get in trouble. When you had told Bucky he had scoffed saying it was a tradition calling it practically a rule in its own right. When he had offered to take you to school you hadn't thought anything of it until he had led you in the opposite direction promising you a day you wouldn't forget and he had been right. It was one of your most cherished memories and you still had that unicorn he won.

"My point is," he continued, brushing his lips lightly across yours in a teasing kiss that had you aching for more. "Good things happen when you follow the rules. And if you tell me what you want, sweetheart I can make you feel so fuckin' good."

"Bucky," you breathed, his name seeming to be the only thing you're capable of saying. 

Hating and enjoying his teasing at the same time you bit your lower lip as he pressed a kiss behind your ear. You're convinced he's doing this on purpose, wearing that tight tee shirt, sitting so close to you when there's no reason for him to be, whispering such teasing words in your ear to tempt you. 

Humming he presses a soft kiss to your neck and you swear you're going to burst. How is it possible that one kiss could feel so good? His lips move lower as he presses another kiss to your burning skin and it's then that you know if you don't do something and soon you really are going to burst. 

Your body moves with a quickness that catches both of you off guard as you move to straddle his waist. Your dress is pooled around your thighs, your hands resting on his shoulders as you take a moment to enjoy the look of surprise on Bucky's face. It's not often you're able to catch him off guard like this and though you want nothing more than to commit this to memory his hands are gliding up and down your sides, his touch sending jolts of need and want straight to your core.

"I want you to keep your promise," you murmured lowly. Kissing the corner of his mouth you bit back the giggle that threatened to bubble up in your throat at the way his beard tickled your cheek. "And get me off." It was stupid after he had seen you almost naked, but asking so bluntly for something made you feel embarrassed. Working your lips across his cheek and down his jaw you smiled against his flushed skin when you heard his breathing pick up.

"Need you to be more specific. There's a lot of ways I can get you off, honey. Like this," he said, his voice oozing lust as he gripped your hips in his large hands helping you to grind down against his erection.

"Yes, Bucky," you gasped. The friction was too much and not enough at the same time, but before you had a chance to roll your hips against him again he was stilling your movements.

"Or with my fingers," he said, his voice dropping an octave. Slipping his fingers under the bunched up hem of your dress he skimmed them up your thighs smirking when your legs parted on their own.

Digging your nails into his shoulders you squirmed on his lap searching for any kind of friction you could get when he pulled his fingers away. " _Please,_ " you whimpered and for the first time you didn't care how needy or whiny you sounded.

"Or with my mouth," he murmured, pressing an open mouth kiss to your neck. Pushing your hair behind your ear he smirked at the way your body melted in his arms.

" _Oh_ , you moaned. Just the thought of his tongue slipping past your wet folds had wetness pooling in your underwear.

"What do you need, baby? Tell me what you want," he prompted, desperation lacing his words.

You weren't sure how he expected you to talk when all you could focus on was the way his lips were sucking greedily on your neck no doubt marking you for everyone to see. His beard was rough against your sweaty skin and you wondered what it would feel like between your legs or on your breasts. Rocking your hips against his you pressed your mouth against his ear panting and gasping when his palm flattened against your back pushing you closer to him.

"Say it. Need you to say it, Y/N," he growled. As if to emphasize his words his teeth sunk into your neck. The sharp pain mixed with the pleasure of his soft joggers rubbing against your soaked underwear had you crying against him. His tongue swirled against the newly formed mark as he looked to ease the stinging pain. "Say it, baby."

"I-I, *please*," you begged, unable to form the words to give him what he wanted, but too afraid to stay silent in case he stopped again.

Pulling your mouth away from his ear you glanced down at with him with wide lust blown eyes _praying_ that he could see how bad you needed this and he wouldn't make you say the words you clearly couldn't form right now. Using his shoulders for leverage you rolled your hips faster against him. Your head tilted back as the force of your hips caused the thin straps of your dress to slide down your shoulders exposing the straps of your lacy blue bra.

Lifting his hips up to meet your thrusts he watched in awe as your breasts bounced with each frantic roll of your hips. Slipping his hands back underneath your dress he cupped your ass, fingers digging into the skin before spreading his palms flat to help you move over him. Trailing his lips across your throat he kisses down your chest. His tongue darts out tracing the top lace of your bra and with the way your fingers tug roughly on his hair he knows he's on to something.

"Like that, sweetheart?" His tone is teasing and when he lifts his eyes up he has to struggle to think of anything else other than the way your teeth are tugging on your swollen lower lip before he cums too soon.

Not trusting yourself to speak you nod your head yes eagerly. Dipping your head down you crash your lips against his. The kiss is rough and sloppy and when you push your tongue past his parted lips to explore his mouth you take pride in the groan that you're able to pull from him. 

You've never been this forceful before, this needy, this in control and it's a powerful feeling one that you know you could get used to. Breaking the kiss you suck in a deep breath of air before slamming your lips back against his. Sucking on his lower lip you break the kiss again, your breath coming out in heavy pants as you rest your forehead against his.

"Bucky," you gasped. " _God._ "

"I know, honey," he cooed breathlessly, his lips skimming across your heated cheek. His beard is rough and it burns against your flesh, but fuck if it doesn't feel good.

Unlike last time which had been sweet and almost loving with your hesitant touches and soft kisses and his constant asking that everything was okay this time it's rough and fast and animalistic. The couch cushions squeak beneath the frantic moves of your bodies. Your gasps and moans mix with his groans. Beads of sweat roll down the back of your neck and you know after tonight you're never going to be able to look at his couch the same way.

"Don't stop. I'm close, Bucky, so close," you panted, tugging on his hair.

"Fuck, Y/N," he groaned. Keeping his hands under your dress he slipped them back up to your waist. He could feel your rhythm getting sloppier with each move. Holding you close he thrusted upwards groaning when he hit that perfect spot.

" _Bucky,_ " you cried out, burying your head in his neck. Closing your eyes tightly your body shook in his embrace as your orgasm flooded through your body. Slumping forward your breath came out in heavy pants and though you felt bad that Bucky was now doing all the work to reach his own release you weren't sure you could move your hips even if you wanted to.

"Fuck, sweetheart feels so good," Bucky moaned. His thrusts are forceful and sloppy and when he feels your hot breath hitting his neck and your body trembling in his arms it only takes him a few more thrusts before he's groaning, his hips faltering before coming to a complete stop as his own release washes over him.

With the debate over what to watch long forgotten the tv is silent, the only sounds in Bucky's apartment is that of your heavy breaths and gasps mingling together as each of you come down from your highs.

Stroking your fingers through his sweaty hair your eyes flutter open, but you keep your head buried in his neck. Partly from embarrassment partly because it's comforting.

"C'mere," he murmured. Letting go of your waist he gently cups the back of your neck guiding your lips to his. Unlike the last kiss this one is sweet and gentle as he coaxes you out of your lust induced state. With one hand on your neck he slips his other hand under your dress, your skin is hot to the touch and he smirks when he hears you sighing against his lips as he begins to rub your lower back. "You okay?"

With your head beginning to clear and your senses slowing coming back you notice the quiet in the apartment, notice the way his lips are so soft as they move over yours, notice the mess the two of you made. Your underwear is soaked and so are his joggers. 

Part of you wanted to get off his lap and get cleaned up, but another part of you wants to stay here close to him as he kisses you and rubs your back. You realize that even though the two of you aren't dating he's treated you better than either of your exes ever did and you wonder what it would be like to have him as a boyfriend. If every ended hookup would entail him rubbing your back and kissing you sweetly and checking that you were okay. The most you ever got from your ex was a throwaway line about how it was great babe and he'd see you later.

They're dangerous thoughts to have and you realize just how easy it is for the line to blur between friends and something more. Realize why he had been so reluctant to go along with this arrangement in the first place. But you also realize how safe and comfortable he makes you feel. Realize how you had expected this to be awkward as the afterglow faded, but all you feel is at peace, embers still burning in the pit of your stomach. 

It doesn't matter that he just got you off he's lit a fire inside of you that only he can extinguish. It doesn't matter that if you close your eyes you can hear Natasha and Steve warning you this is a bad idea. Warning you that someone is bound to get hurt. You don't believe that. Not when his fingers are feather light against your heated skin, not when he's staring up at you as if you're the most important person in his world.

"More than okay. It was really, really good," you whispered against his lips. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah? I'm glad you thought it was _really, really good_ ," he teased, imitating your voice. Laughing when he hears you groaning against his lips. There's no way be can tell you how good it felt for him, how natural it felt to hear you moaning his name, how good it felt to feel your wetness through your underwear because of him, how much it boosted his ego knowing that _he_ was the one who had you shaking and moaning. "I'm good."

"Shut up," you giggled. Pressing a final kiss to his lips you move to get off his lap surprised when you feel the hand on your back pressing you closer to him. "Bucky?"

"You know I think the promise was that I'd get you off as much as you wanted, any way you wanted."

"You don't have to."

"I want to, Y/N."

Pulling back you stare down at him surprised to see nothing but sincerity reflected back in his eyes. Biting your lower lip you give your head a small nod.

Bucky slides his hand from the back of your neck to your cheek, the pad of his thumb gently brushing over your warm skin. "Need to hear it."

Your eyes flutter shut, your teeth tugging on your lower lip as you take a moment to enjoy his gentle touches on your lower back and on your face. The thought of him touching you has heat flooding to your core and you're embarrassed to admit that you're already growing wet again.

Opening your eyes you give him another small nod. "Touch me," you breathed, your lips brushing over his in an attempt to distract him from your obvious embarrassment at being so needy.

Surprised that he kisses you back you're even more surprised when he doesn't make any immediate moves to touch you until you realize that he's still letting you set the pace. You want to tell him how much you appreciate it, but the words get caught in the back of your throat when you feel him deepening the kiss, his tongue tangling with yours causing you to moan and unintentionally grind down against him. Breaking the kiss to catch his breath he slowly repositions you so you're laying on your back as he hovers over you.

With your hair spread out on the couch, your dress bunched up by your hips exposing your thighs and underwear, your chest rising and falling with anticipation and nerves, your lips swollen from kisses Bucky swears he's never seen you look more beautiful and though he knows he shouldn't be thinking about you like that he can't help it. 

Licking his lower lip he watched you for another couple of seconds, his eyes boring into yours searching for any sign of doubt or regret. When he sees none he leans down to press a chaste kiss to your lips. He'd never admit it out loud, but he's _nervous._ Ghosting his fingertips up the inside of your thighs he watches the way your breathing picks up and he'd never admit it out loud, but he _loves_ the way he's able to get your body to react from the simplest touches. "You sure?"

"Yes."

With a final confirmation he brushed his knuckles across you clothed core, gasping at the light touch you rest your hands on his shoulders. Sliding one hand to the back of his neck you guide his lips down to yours as you tangle your other hand in his hair. Pushing your underwear to the side he slowly pushes a finger past your wet folds causing your hips to buck up with need. 

Moaning into the kiss you give a harsh tug to his hair when he begins to move. His movements are slow and careful and you're not sure if it's because he's still letting you set the pace or because he knows it's been a long time since someone last touched you. Either way you appreciate how gentle he's being, but you can't help but need _more._

Another tug to his hair, teeth nipping at his bottom harsher than you intended has him groaning against your kiss stained lips. Stroking your nails down the back of his neck you lift your hips up wriggling them as you silently beg him for more. Taking the hint his thumb circles your clit causing you to arch your back and break the kiss.

Giving you time to adjust he's careful when he slips a second finger in pausing his ministrations when your nails dig into his neck. The slight stinging of him stretching you and the brief second of uncomfortableness ebbs when he presses down on your clit. 

Kissing your neck Bucky groaned when you grinded your hips against his fingers. 

"You're so fuckin' tight. So fuckin' warm," he mumbled. His beard rubbed against your face and neck as he kissed lower causing your body to squirm underneath his at the tickling feeling.

"B-Bucky," you panted, your fingers tugging on his hair. Desperate to feel more of him, more of his touch you untangled your fingers from his hair as you shove your hands under the hem of his shirt. Your hands explore the warm skin of his back, the way his muscles shudder beneath your hands. You want to ask him to take his shirt off, but your words are lost when he curls his fingers inside of you. "Oh, oh god, _again_."

"You like that, honey? Wanna make you feel good, Y/N, wanna make you feel so fuckin' good." With his face still buried in your neck alternating between kissing and sucking on the spots he's come to learn are your weakness he focuses on your moans and breathy little pants as he curls his fingers inside of you again. Smirking against your neck when you lift your hips up he adds more pressure to you clit, groaning when your walls clench around his fingers.

Digging your nails into his shoulders you try to ignore the sweat you can feel lining your forehead. You're overwhelmed by how _good_ everything feels right now. It was never like this whenever you got yourself off and it certainly never felt this good with your ex. 

You swear you can feel the pleasure shooting through every inch of your body from the tip of your head to the tips of your toes and not for the first time tonight do you wonder what it'll be like when it's all of him inside of you instead of just his fingers. As he continues to curl his fingers inside of you hitting that _one spot_ you can feel the familiar coil tightening in your stomach and you know you aren't going to last much longer. It's been way too long since someone's touched you.

Arching your back and whimpering you tilt your head back hissing when you feel Bucky's teeth grazing across your throat. You're sure you'll be covered in marks again, but right now you don't care, you don't care about anything other than the way he's making you feel. It's overwhelming in the best way possible and when you open your eyes and see him staring down at you with an intensity you're not used to seeing you swear you could come right there.

"You are, Bucky, it feels _so good_ , _you_ feel so good please don't stop," you babbled. You've never been so needy before and if you weren't so close you'd be embarrassed.

It's not intentional, but he can't help smiling at the way you're begging him, the way your body is practically shaking underneath his with need and want because of him. "Yeah? You sure it feels good?" He teased, hissing when your nails scrape down his back in retaliation.

"Shut. U- _oh_ I'm so close, Bucky," you gasped, your hips thrusting up again as he makes a come hither motion with his fingers.

"You gonna come again already, honey? Fuck, it really has been a long time since someone touched you hasn't it?"

You were helpless to his words. Each dirty syllable that left his lips urging you closer to your second release of the night. Unable to do anything but squirm underneath him and claw at his back you whined. His name spilling from your swollen lips with a strangled cry when his fingers pushed deeper inside of you hitting that one spot that made you see stars.

"Shh 'm gonna take care of you. Always gonna take care of you, sweetheart," he cooed, watching with awe the way your body gave into his every touch.

The teasing is gone when sees how close you are. Crashing his lips down against yours he adds more pressure to your clit, his fingers easily slipping in and out of you from the slickness coating you and when he feels your walls clenching he knows it's not going to take much longer to get you to come. 

"Let go, baby, c'mon, let yourself feel good," he coaxed against your lips. "Only wanna make you feel good."

Everything happens at once. His words. His fingers curling inside you. The pressure against your clit. The sounds of your moans. The feeling of his hot breathing mixing with yours. The sounds of his fingers inside of you. The coil in your abdomen snaps causing your back to arch and his name to come tumbling from your lips in a string of chants. Your body shakes, your nails dig into his back, your toes curl all as your orgasm washes over you. It's intense and you're not sure you're ever going to climb down from the high. Vaguely you can hear Bucky's voice murmuring your name, telling you how good you did as he peppers your sweaty skin with kisses.

Knowing that you're sensitive and overwhelmed he's careful when he slips his fingers out of you noting the way you whine at the loss of him he can't help but smirk.

"Stay with me. Stay the night."

If you weren't still coming down from your high you would have heard the neediness in his voice. Stroking your fingers down his back you give a small nod of your head before answering yes. Despite knowing that the two of you should get cleaned up and changed you're reluctant to let him go. A feeling that appears mutual as you feel his fingertips move up and down your side, each of you content to bask in your afterglow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!
> 
> And follow me on tumblr @tellmealovestory where I thirst over Bucky.


	6. Chapter 6

Laying in bed next to Bucky that night you felt like Goldilocks nothing was right.

At first it had been too warm in his room to sleep. Then it had been too cold and when you went to reach for the covers he had them all hogged. Then it was because the bed was too soft. Then it was too hard. 

Tossing and turning you groaned in frustration unable to find a comfortable position to sleep in. Rolling onto your side you peered into the darkness weighing your options. Trying to fall asleep was proving useless which meant you could continue to toss and turn and risk waking Bucky up or you could go into the living room and watch tv. 

While that idea had some promise it had been impossible for you to find something to watch earlier leading him to put on a stupid science fiction movie you had seen countless times before. There was the option of grabbing a book and trying to read, but you knew you wouldn't be able to concentrate on the words. Hell you couldn't even shut your mind off long enough to let sleep overtake you. 

Thoughts of what had taken place on the couch consumed you from the inside out. 

When the two of you had managed to untangle yourselves and gotten cleaned up only to end up back on the couch cuddled together your head on his chest his fingertips ghosting up and down your arm all you could think about was the way he had slipped his fingers past your soft folds making you see stars. And when you had started to drift off when he put that stupid science fiction movie on and he had kissed the top of your head all you could think about was the way he had let his lips skim across your heated cheek when you had been moving over his lap. 

When you had gotten ready for bed and had seen him in nothing but his boxers hanging low on his hips all you could think about was the bulge in them the first time you had made out, the way you could feel him pressing against your clothed core making you wonder what he would feel like in the palm of your hand, slipped past your parted lips, inside of you. And when he had pulled you close to him kissing your forehead bidding you goodnight all you could think about was the way he had peppered your face in loving kisses after bringing you to your second release. 

And when he awoke and rolled over wrapping his arms around your middle pulling your back flush against his chest all you could think about was the way his large hands had cupped your breasts that first time, the way his fingers had dug into your ass pulling and pushing you over him. His breath was warm against your neck, his voice husky in the darkness when he murmured your name making you think about the way he had teased you with such dirty words earlier in the evening. Whining you unintentionally pushed back against him smiling when he groaned and mumbled a quiet fuck followed by his hands dipping underneath your shirt and caressing the soft skin of your stomach. It wouldn't take much for his hands to slip a little higher, for his thumb to brush over your nipples. Wouldn't take much for him to kiss your neck. Wouldn't take much for him to slip his hands into your underwear again. Emboldened by the low groans he emitted you pushed back against him again harder this time. 

The fire he had ignited in you earlier was burning hotter burning brighter.

Shifting in his warm embrace you rolled over so you were facing him. Your movements were awkward and clumsy, but he didn't seem to mind as he pulled you closer tangling your bodies in a mess of legs and limbs. Hardness and softness. It was hard to tell where you ended and he began. 

It was quiet in his room, but you could faintly hear the television playing a laugh track to some old school sitcom drifting through the walls courtesy of one of his neighbors. Every couple of minutes his bedsheets would rustle when he pulled you closer to him only serving to further ignite that burning fire in the pit of your stomach. Tilting your head up you pressed your lips against his in a whisper of a kiss.

"Sorry I woke you." And you were. It hadn't been your intention. 

Keeping your lips close to his your eyes fluttered shut at the way your warm breath mixed with his. Lifting your hand up your fingertips gently danced over his beard before you slid your hand to the back of his neck your nails skimming down his tanned skin.

"You can go back to sleep you don't have to stay up because of me," you offered, pressing your lips to the corner of his mouth in a lingering kiss.

"'S okay," he murmured. "I don't mind staying up." 

Tilting his head down he returned the action pressing his lips to the corner of your mouth. It wasn't enough, you wanted, no, you _needed_ more and when you whined and he only chuckled you took the opportunity to press your lips to his.

The kiss was slow, but sexy each of you taking your time. His tongue swiped against your bottom lip begging for entrance granting it to him you both moaned when his tongue slowly entered your mouth taking his time to explore. Breaking the kiss he caught your lower lip between his sucking it gently between his own before releasing it with a quiet pop. Brushing his nose against yours he let out a content sigh smiling when the sounds of your uneven breaths filled the room.

"Are you sure you don't mind staying up?" You whispered. It was a silly question. His kiss assured you as much and the hardness pressing against you let you know that neither of you were going to be lulled into sleep anytime.

"Tell me what you want, honey," he coaxed, his lips skimming across your cheek and you want to kiss him again, want to jump him, want to cry with happiness with the way he's so in tune with you. You chalk it up to the long length of your friendship, but as his words drift through your sleepless mind all you can think about is the way he used those same words earlier in the day. The way he had _begged_ you to tell him what you wanted. The way he had sunk his teeth into your neck. The memories have heat flooding to your core and you wonder in the darkness if he can tell how aroused you are right now. If he knows how much you need him. 

The laugh track from his neighbors television drifts through the walls again buying you some time as you struggle to gather your thoughts. His lips are still working their way across your cheek down your jaw behind your ear across your forehead. When all of this is over when you guys go back to being just friends you know you're going to miss his kisses the most. Melting into his touch and letting out a content sigh you know it's only a matter of time until he asks his question again and deep down you know if you don't tell him now you'll lose your nerve.

"Bucky?" Your voice is soft in the dark, a little shaky, a little shy despite everything you guys have been through and you take a deep breath sucking in all the courage you can muster. "Do you wanna have sex?"

His lips still against your skin and your mind jumps to the worst conclusion. "You wanna have sex _now_?" He asked.

"Yeah I mean... neither of us can sleep. And I'm ready, Bucky," you started, hating the way your voice still shook with nerves. "Unless you don't want to or you changed your mind." Your words are rushed and the heavy silence that greets you does little to put you at ease.

When he does finally speak his voice is low and sets the fire he ignited in you earlier burning into a raging inferno.

"You have no idea how much I want to, Y/N." 

When his lips move overs yours you're taken aback by the passion in the kiss. Gone are your earlier sweet and sleepy kisses and in their place are kisses full of tongue and moans from each of you. His tongue explores expertly inside your mouth and as you continue to skim your nails up and down the back of his neck his hands grip your waist pulling you closer to him. 

You're not sure either of you can get any closer, but that doesn't stop you from trying. His legs are warm as they tangle with yours, his teeth sharp as they nip at your lower lip, his hands callused as they skim underneath your shirt caressing your back. And though it feels good it's not where you want or need his hands right now.

Reluctantly breaking the kiss your breathing is uneven in the darkness of his room, but that doesn't stop him from pressing another kiss to your lips. Giggling against him you slide your hand from the back of his neck to his chest gently pushing him back as you break the kiss again. "You have protection, right?" 

"Course," he murmured, stealing another kiss before untangling himself from you and rolling over. Flipping his bedside light on you squint at the sudden brightness that floods his room, but once your eyes adjust they go straight to the unmistakable bulge in his boxers. 

Chewing on your lower lip you lift your eyes to watch as he roots around in his drawer. Pulling out a foil packet he tosses it on his table. His normally ocean colored eyes are as dark as the night sky when he swings his gaze back to you and the intensity that lingers has your underwear growing slicker.

"If you change your mind or you wanna stop you gotta tell me, honey," he said softly, laying back down next to you.

It doesn't take long for your limbs to become a tangled mess again as his hands move to your hips pulling you flush against him. Your own hand rests on his shoulder before sliding around to the back of his neck your fingers toying with the silky dark hair. "Promise? 'M serious, Y/N."

"I promise, Bucky."

Satisfied with your answer he leans forward closing the small gap of space between your lips. The kiss is soft hesitant almost which surprises you given how passionate your last kiss had been. You're not complaining though you'd take anything he wants to give you and it's not long before his tongue is swiping at your lip not long before you're parting your lips granting him access. Melting into his touch both of you groan when he deepens the kiss and when you press yourself against him the moan that he emits has you tugging on his hair as you eagerly search out more.

Never breaking the kiss Bucky gently rolls you onto your back as he settles himself between your parted thighs. 

Slipping his hands under your shirt he caresses the soft skin of your stomach. His touches are light loving even and despite the obvious arousal each of you are experiencing he’s in no hurry to rush this. A fact that’s made more obvious when he breaks the kiss. Resting his forehead against yours your warm breath mingles as his fingers still caress your stomach and you’re left wondering how he’s so composed right now when all you can think about is ripping his clothes off.

Your eyes open and are met with Bucky’s own. The lust is evident, but still he’s not making a move to touch you or to kiss you and the lack of contact is driving you insane.

“Bucky, _please_ ,” you murmured breathlessly. 

His fingers inch a little higher, but it’s still not close enough to where you need him. Arching your back he kisses you softly swallowing your pathetic whines. Brushing his fingertips on the underside of your breast you gasp into the kiss your fingers curling in his hair and tugging roughly as you silently urge him for more. Bucky chuckled against your lips and you want to groan in frustration want to call him a tease but any coherent thought slips from your mind when his thumb brushes across your nipple. It’s still not enough, but it’s better and when he pulls back from the kiss you pout.

“Please,” you tried again, not caring how needy you sound.

“Baby,” he croaked, his voice low and muffled against your lips and you can feel heat pooling between your thighs. He’s barely touched you and you’re already a mess. “You gotta tell me what you want. Just tell me.” 

Unlike earlier in the day you’ve learned your lesson, learned that if you tell him he can make you feel so fuckin’ good and he _did_ and he _does._

“Touch me.” It’s only two words, but there’s an unspoken weight behind them. Your lips are inches apart your warm breaths mixing and mingling together and it’s so intimate and it’s so hot and when his large and callused hand envelopes your breast and gently massages you’re only slightly embarrassed at the strangled moan that slips through your swollen lips. 

His lips brush over yours in a whisper of a kiss and once again it’s still not enough, but it’s better and when his tongue swipes across your bottom lip and his hand massages your breast with a hint of more pressure you find yourself melting into his touch, into his bedsheets, into his body. 

“Touch you like this?” He murmured, words laced with a teasing that any other time would have you cracking a smile, but right now only have you whining in his embrace. 

Unable to talk you tilt your head back granting Bucky the opportunity to press an open mouthed kiss to your neck. Shivering you can practically feel him smiling against your neck as he presses another kiss to your heated skin. His hand moves to your neglected breast, his thumb circling over your nipple once, twice before massaging gently. 

The breathy little moans that escape you have his cock twitching in his boxers and when he rocks his hips into yours it’s unintentional at first until he hears you gasping for more. “Yeah? Keep touching you like this, honey?”

You don’t understand how he’s able to talk let alone speak in full sentences when your head is so full of lust all you’re able to do is whine and moan and gasp. His words leave you aching and when he presses his hips into yours again with more pressure you swear you’re going to combust. 

And when his fingers pinch your nipple earning him a surprised squeak from you you know that he needs an answer and fearful he’ll stop you struggle to form even one word. Nodding your head instead you hope it’s enough, but when you feel his hand slipping from your breast and trailing down your stomach you whine in disappointment. 

Lifting your shirt up to reveal a sliver of your stomach he chases the exposed skin with a kiss. His lips are warm, his beard scratchy against your skin, but it feels so good.

Tugging on his hair you whine your back arching as you struggle to find the words to verbally answer him. He pushes your shirt up higher,his lips chasing after it. Taking his time he kisses every inch of your stomach and you swear by the time he’s done your skin will be rubbed raw from his beard, but you don’t care when he pushes your shirt up to your neck his lips wrapping around your hardened nipple he sucks greedily. 

“Oh god, Bucky,” you moaned. 

Threading your fingers through his hair you cradled his head to your breast. Hissing when his teeth graze across your nipple he’s right there swirling his tongue and peppering kisses to ease the slight stinging.

Releasing your nipple with a quiet pop he kisses his way to your other breast giving it the same treatment. Swirling his tongue around your hardened nub he slips his hand up to cup your cheek the action is sweet a stark contrast to the dirty things he’s doing with his tongue and mouth. And when he pulls his lips away he’s as breathless as you are, but that doesn’t stop him from kissing you sweetly. 

“Can I take this off?” 

“ _Please_ ,” you gasped.

“That the only thing you can say?” He teased. Helping you sit up he discards your shirt tossing it to his floor.

“Stop it,” you giggled. 

“Look at that you _can_ say other words.”

Laying back down you pulled him with you your giggles filling his room as the bright smile on his face makes your heart flutter. 

It’s moments like these when your bodies are tangled, when jokes are exchanged, when laugher is shared that you marvel at how easy it is for the two of you to slip from something more to best friends and back again. 

It’s moments like these that have you convinced after tonight nothing is going to change in your relationship because how could it when you guys have managed to navigate everything so well? 

It’s moments like these that you want to smugly tell Natasha and Steve and even Bucky that their worries over one of you getting hurt were unfounded.

And it’s moments like these that you marvel at how _handsome_ he looks with his tanned skin and his mussed hair and his bright smile and the crinkles around his eyes whenever he laughs at something you say.

The fire he had lit inside of you dimmed for a brief moment when you guys drifted back to being friends, but laying underneath him staring up at him feeling his hand cupping your cheek again has the fire burning with a renewed heat.

“You can take my shorts off too.” And with those seven words you’ve shifted back to something more. He doesn’t ask if you’re sure and you wonder if he can see the desire burning in your eyes. You think he must when he keeps his gaze steady on yours, when he lets his fingers trail so lightly down your neck, down your chest, down your stomach to the waistband of your shorts. His eyes never waver from yours not even when you arch your hips so he can pull them down your legs. In what feels like an hour but couldn’t have been more than a couple of seconds your shorts land on his floor with your shirt.

Leaning down he cups your cheek again, his lips barely touching yours as he asked softly, “This okay?”

“More than okay,” you assured him. “But you don’t have to keep asking. I’ll tell you if it’s not.”

“I _want_ to,” he murmured, his eyes searching yours. “I know you think this isn’t a big deal, but you still deserve to have your first time be with someone who’s gonna treat you right and who’s gonna take care of you. The last thing I wanna do is hurt you or for you to have any regrets. So let me keep asking, yeah?”

"Okay," you agreed softly. 

His words replayed in your mind like a broken record causing your heart to flutter and your stomach to flip. You were growing impatient with the slow pace, but a part of you wanted to slow this down even more to stretch out each moment until it’s burned in your memory like a favorite lyric or quote able to pull out on a rainy day to find comfort in.

He doesn't say anything, but he doesn't have to. The tenderness in his eyes, the careful way he's cupping your cheek as if he's afraid he'll hurt you, the loving way he smiles down at you. And when he kisses you it's so soft, so gentle that for a second it takes you a moment to realize his lips are finally touching yours. It's a kiss that reminds you of the end of a first date in its hesitancy and sweetness and its briefness. Stroking his fingertips up and down your side he kisses you again and unlike the previous kiss this one is a little more sure, a little longer, a little deeper. It's a kiss that reminds you of a promise of more to come. A promise you can't wait to unwrap.

Grasping his wrist you slowly guide his hand down to the waistband of your underwear. "Keep going," you urged in between kisses. "I'm sure."

Instead of making a move to slip your underwear off he slips his tongue past your lips causing each of you to moan. And when his fingers wrap around the waistband of your underwear and he tugs gently you break the kiss your breathing a little uneven both from the kiss and the nerves that are flowing through your veins. 

"Just... don't stare," you whispered, your voice shaky.

"I won't, sweetheart." Kissing your forehead he keeps his eyes locked on you. An arch of your hips, fabric sliding down your legs and the garment is discarded on the floor with the rest of your clothes. It takes all his self control to keep his word. “This still okay?”

“Y-Yeah,” you whispered, your eyes searching his and the utter gentleness reflected back has your body relaxing with each shaky breath. 

Sensing your uncomfortableness his fingertips stroke your side and when he sees your lips curl into a small smile, sees your eyes flutter shut, sees the way your body melts into his touch it’s then and only then that he breaks his word.

His eyes slowly leave yours to trail down to your swollen lips, to the dark bruises littered on your neck and breasts, down to your stomach, down to your parted thighs spread out so beautifully for him glistening and ready. His eyes trail lower down to your legs, your calfs, your ankles before slowly making a descent back up. Pink tinges his cheeks when he sees your eyes boring into his and he feels like a child who got caught with their hand in the cookie jar.

“You said you weren’t going to stare,” you mumbled, your teeth gnawing on your lip. Blindly reaching for a blanket to cover yourself with you stop when you feel his lips on yours in a searing kiss.

“I know,” he cooed in between kisses. “But you said you weren’t going to bite your lip so it’s only fair.”

“I never said that and that’s not even a fair trade!”

Giggling you swat his shoulder and you want to thank him for always being able to make you laugh, for always being able to get you to relax, for being the perfect best friend, but the words get caught in the back of your throat when he speaks again.

“Dunno how you expected me not to stare. You’re so fuckin’ beautiful, Y/N.” 

You could count on one hand the number of times he had called you beautiful. 

The first time you had been sixteen and you were about to go on your first date. Granted it had been a group date that included both Bucky and Steve and their girlfriends at the time, but you had been a nervous wreck gnawing on your lip, tugging on the hem of your dress, puttering with your hair. When Bucky had seen you he had told you you looked beautiful and you hadn't given it much thought because a moment later Steve had told you that you looked nice and when your date had seen you he had also complimented you. Bucky had only been trying to ease your nerves.

The second time you had been seventeen and Bucky had asked you to his prom. His girlfriend at the time had dumped him the weekend before the dance and when he had asked you had been surprised, but had quickly agreed. Scrambling to find a dress on such short notice you swore you had hit every thrift store and boutique in the city. The day before the dance you had lucked out on a beautiful bright blue floor length gown that matched Bucky's eyes. It felt like fate and even though the dress had been a little out of your price range you splurged feeling only a little foolish for spending so much on a dress you'd probably only wear once.

When he had picked you up the night of his prom wearing a black tuxedo looking so handsome he had taken one look at you whistling under his breath and telling you you looked beautiful and you hadn't given it much thought because you had told him only minutes before he looked handsome. Prom had been disappointing. Still heartbroken over his ex girlfriend you guys had stayed for an hour before you dragged him out telling him you had a better idea. 

The rest of the night had been spent running around the city stopping at every twenty four hour diner and cafe you could find in an attempt to find the best piece of dessert. Spending all night out he had dropped you back off at your mom’s place early in the morning. The bottom of your dress stained from dirt and his suit jacket draped over your shoulders you had never felt happier. Hyped up on coffee and too many sugary desserts he had kissed your cheek thanking you for the best night of his night.

His words send your heart spiraling, but like the first two times he had called you beautiful you don't believe him. 

"You're only saying that because you're about to have sex," you teased quietly. The flash of hurt that flits across his eyes happens so quickly you're convinced you made it up.

“‘M not,” he said firmly and the sincerity in his voice has you wanting to believe him, but deep down you know this is nothing more than sex between friends. But when he kisses you it’s long and it’s passionate and you swear you can feel the kiss in your toes, swear you can feel the sincerity in his words seeping into your lips, seeping into your soul. And when he breaks the kiss you swear you’re just a little closer to believing his words. 

It’s a thin line between friends and something more. A line that only grows thinner when you pull him back down to kiss him hungrily. Gone are the earlier teasing words, the shyness, the vulnerability of being laid bare and in their place is a renewed sense of passion, of urgency that wasn’t there when you had woken him up. 

Heavy breaths fill his room. The earlier light touches turn a little rougher his fingers move with more purpose down your side caressing your hip as he peppers your jaw with rough kisses and nips. Your head tilts your fingers rake through his hair your back arches and when he presses his mouth to the shell of your ear to speak all you’re able to do is claw your nails down his neck and whine pathetically.

“I know you don’t believe me, honey, but you have no idea how beautiful you are. No idea how much I need you right now.” His teeth nip at your earlobe before he continues. “Let me touch you. Let me make you feel good like earlier.” 

“ _Oh_ ,” you whimpered. You never knew that hearing someone say they needed you could sound so alluring, never knew how hearing those few words could make you grow so slick. Your legs part on their own and though you’re still a little apprehensive about being so on display for him the desire flooding through you outweighs it. 

His fingers dance along the insides of your thighs and you can’t determine if he’s teasing you or waiting for you to verbally tell him it’s okay. If it’s the latter you’re both going to be waiting because when he lifts his head from your neck to look at you the fire burning in his eyes takes your breath away. You’ve never had anyone look at you the way he is, never had anyone look at like they’re ready to _devour_ you, never had anyone look at you like the only thing they want to do is spend the rest of the night worshipping your body.

“ _Please._ ” Your voice cracks. It doesn’t matter that he got you off _twice_ earlier in the day. Your body is on fire your walls clenching around nothing your heart pounding your thighs parting _just a little further_ in a silent plea for him to end your misery. 

He’s teasing you. It’s the conclusion you come to when he keeps his gaze locked tightly on yours as his fingers dip lower. His thumb brushes your clit and the moan that you let out has his him groaning as he tries to ignore the uncomfortable tightening in his boxers. 

Licking his lower lip he allows his eyes to drag down your body again. Unashamed in his staring he circles your clit another time enjoying the way your body squirms underneath his, enjoying your little pants and shaky breaths. With two fingers he spreads your slickness around his thoughts filled with wondering what you taste like wondering what you’re going to feel like clenched around his hardness. With his fingers coated in your slickness he slowly oh so slowly parts your lips and slips a finger past your tight folds. 

It’s a tie on who’s moan is louder and if you weren’t so needy right now you would have found the situation humorous. Your hands are all over him tugging on his hair raking down his neck down his back clawing at his biceps when he begins to move his finger in too slow strokes. His eyes are still on yours scrutinizing every facial expression you make in an attempt to discern what you like the most. 

Eyes flutter shut, heavy breaths spill from kiss stained lips, nails dig crescent moons into biceps when a second finger enters you. And much like earlier there’s a second of uncomfortableness, but the feeling ebbs when his thumb circles your clit when his husky voice reaches your ear begging you to keep your eyes open and on him.

You want to do as he asks, oh, how you want to, but it’s so hard to do anything except whither and whine underneath him when his fingers gently stroke your walls when his thumb flicks at your clit. 

Every touch is tantalizing, every touch makes that fire burn brighter and hotter and when you begin to feel it’s about to consume you from the inside out to leave you scarred it stops. Your eyes fly open, a pathetic plea stuck on your tongue, but as soon your panic stricken eyes meet his he picks up where he left off.

“Keep your eyes on me, honey,” he commanded. “Just like that wanna see you.”

His words are dirty and sweet and his eyes are filled with love and lust and his fingers are slick and deep and you never knew it could feel like this. 

Sweat trickles down the back of your neck dampening his pillow and when you call his name and arch your back in need you can feel sweat dripping down your hairline. It’s not attractive, but you find you don’t care when his hand cups your breast his fingers toying with your nipple and you’re done trying to keep your eyes on his. 

The pleasure is too good, too much and he doesn’t seem to mind your eyes shutting when he removes his hand his mouth dipping down to wrap his slick lips around your hardened nub. 

“Oh, oh god, Bucky, _please_ ,” you moaned, the words tumbling from your lips you’re half convinced in your current state of euphoria it’s all gibberish. But his fingers pick up the pace, a squelching sound filling his room mixing with your heavy breaths your cries of pleasure. Arching your back his teeth tug on your nipple earning him a harsh tug to his hair. 

It’s too much and not enough.

Lifting your hips up to grind on his fingers he growls the sound deep and _attractive_ and you wonder what you have to do to get him to make it again.

“Bucky, please. I-I need-,” you gasped.

Pulling his lips away from your nipple with a quiet pop he leaves a trail of spit dangling from his lips and when you open your glazed over eyes the sight makes you moan.

His lips are on yours in a second the kiss is messy bordering on rough with tongues battling and teeth clashing, but it’s hot and it’s exactly what you need when he curls his fingers inside of you.

“Tell me what you need, Y/N,” he growled against your lips his teeth nipping at the flesh. 

When you don’t answer right away he slips his fingers out of you and you want to cry in frustration, but he’s right there his voice cooing his lips peppering your heated cheeks with kisses that are meant to calm, but do the opposite.

And when he sees how distressed you are he slowly, oh so slowly slips his middle finger past your dripping folds. A second finger follows when he feels your nails digging further into his biceps when he sees your head nod quickly yes your lips searching his out he knows that as much as he enjoys teasing you he enjoys this _so much more._

“You! I _need_ you, Bucky,” you begged. 

It didn’t seem possible, but his eyes grow darker his fingers quicken his breathing intensifies and the tightening of his boxers grows more painful. His head drops to the crook of your neck a muttered fuck escapes before he kisses your heated skin.

“Baby,” he croaked. “Let me take my time with you.” 

His fingers slip out of you again to spread your slickness around further and when he adds a third finger he’s slow, careful, his eyes scrutinizing your face watching the way you tense up for a moment. He’s quick to press his lips to yours coaxing you to relax, murmuring that he’s got you and when he hears you exhale, feels your nails loosen on his biceps he slowly, oh so slowly drags his fingers out before pushing them back, stroking your walls, searching for that one spot he remembers from earlier that made you see stars.

“I wanna make this good for you,” he cooed.

“It is s-so good,” you praised, your teeth pulling at your lip in an attempt to reign in your moans. 

Loosening your hold on his biceps you snake your hand between your bodies. Palming him through his boxers you whine at the hardness at the fullness that’s begging to be released and the low groan that he emits has you smiling, but before you have a chance to dip your hands past the waistband of his boxers to return some of the pleasure he’s giving you he’s gently grabbing your wrist and pinning your hand by your head. 

“So let me take care of you. I promise you’ll have all of me soon but you gotta be patient, baby can you do that?”

With wide eyes and a pretty pout on plump lips you push your wrist up against his hand eager to feel him in your palm, but he’s not letting up. And you want to whine, want to beg, but he’s curling his fingers inside of you and you swear you see stars behind closed eyes.

A kiss to your jaw. A warm breath floating against your ear. A low moan. A growl of your name. A quickening pace of his fingers. A gentle coax to let go. A quiet reminder that he just wants to make you feel so fuckin’ good, sweetheart.

Your walls clench around his fingers and you’re so close you can almost taste your release on the tip of your tongue. Arching your back you grab the back of his neck guiding his lips to yours in a kiss that nearly devours him.

“Right there, god _right there_ ,” you panted. His fingers were so deep curling against that one spot that drove you insane as his thumb rubbed fast, tight circles against your clit matching the pace of his tongue as he effortlessly tangled it with your own. 

“Honey,” he cooed upon breaking the kiss. The normally sweet sounding word came out sounding sinful upon his lips and you’d do anything to hear him say it again. “Look at me, honey. Wanna see you when I make you cum. Wanna see how beautiful you’re gonna look.” 

“ _Oh_ ,” you moaned. A final arch of your back, your eyes locked on his, his fingers intertwining with your hand that’s still pinned by your head, it’s all so intimate and sweet and _loving_ and when he curls his fingers again you’re a goner. Your eyes slam shut, stars exploding in the blackness, your body tensing as your orgasm washes over you in a tidal wave you’re not sure will ever ebb. 

You’re not sure how long it takes you to climb back down, but you’re aware of the little things. The way he squeezes your hand, the loss of fingers inside of you, the way his lips ghost over your sweaty forehead.

“Still with me, sweetheart?” He whispered and you wonder how is voice can sound so _nice_ when only a couple minutes ago he was murmuring such filthy things to you.

“I think so,” you murmured breathlessly.

“You think so?” He chuckled, his laughter sounding so wonderful to your ears that you join him.

“That was amazing.” It’s ridiculous after what just took place, but your voice is shy and when you open your eyes and glance up at him through your lashes the _lust_ that’s dancing through his darkened eyes has your walls clenching again.

“Yeah? ‘M glad.”

It's silent for a couple of minutes save for your still heavy breathing and in that time you can't help the way your eyes drift down to his unmistakable bulge. You expected him to call you out on your staring, but he doesn't and when you finally tear your eyes away to meet his you're met with a carnal desire.

"Still wanna keep going?" He asked and though you know he's only checking in you want to shout yes, but you don't. You don't stay anything but nod your head and reach out with shaky hands to the hem of his boxers.

"Can I?" 

"Yeah," he breathed, his voice dropping an octave.

Biting your lip you keep your eyes locked on his though all you want to do is watch each new exposed sliver of skin as you slowly, oh so slowly pull his boxers down. He lets out a hiss when the material brushes over his hardened length and it's then and only then that you tear your eyes away from his and glance down. 

He's thick, bigger than you're used to. His tip is red, throbbing and leaking precum and you want to dip your head down and wrap your lips around him tasting everything he has to offer. With his boxers pulled down to his thighs you hesitantly reach your hand out to give him a gentle stroke. 

The moan that escapes from his mouth is loud and you swear it's the most attractive thing you've ever heard. Running your thumb over his leaking tip you smear his precum before stroking him again. Your pace is slow, hesitant as you focus on his labored breathing. Each stroke brings another moan tumbling from him that's louder than the last, each stroke brings you a little more confidence. 

All too soon though he's grabbing your wrist and pulling your hand off of him. A groan from him at the loss of contact, a whine from you at not being able to bring him the same kind of pleasure he had been gifting you with.

"Y/N," he groaned, pulling his boxers down the rest of his tanned legs before tossing them to the floor. "Tonight's supposed to be about you and if you keep that up this will be over before we even start." 

Leaning down he kisses the side of your head before reaching over to his bedside table. Tearing open the condom wrapper he rolls it down his length and you find it impossible to take your eyes off of him. A fact that doesn't go unnoticed.

"You're staring," he teased, shooting you a playful smirk.

"You're one to talk," you shot back. "You spent how long staring at me? I think it's a fair trade." 

"That's different." 

"How?"

"Told you," he murmured, repositioning himself between your parted legs. "You're beautiful."

He says it so easily. Says it like he's saying the sky is blue or his favorite dessert is chocolate cake. 

But that doesn't stop your heart from speeding up, doesn't stop the warmth that seeps into your cheeks, doesn't stop your mind from replaying his words over and over again. You still don't believe him, but it's a nice thing to hear. His fingertips brush over your cheek in a loving gesture and you can feel yourself melting into his touch. 

You're nervous, more nervous than you thought you would be and you wonder if he can tell. You think he must when he gently, oh so gently reaches down for you hand to intertwine your fingers before pinning it by your head. The action is sweet and in your current position it feels intimate, more intimate than it should for two best friends, but it's also comforting and when he squeezes your hand gently it brings you back to the present. 

"So are you," you blurted out and staring up at him you realize how true it is. 

Bucky Barnes is _beautiful._ You never realized just how beautiful he was. Sure, you had always known that he was cute, he always had girls flirting with him, falling over him, crushing on him, but it's not just his looks that make him beautiful. It's his huge heart, the way he's always able to get you to laugh, the way he's never judged you, the way he's always been there for you in the good times and the bad. You've always considered yourself fortunate to be able to call him your best friend. But right now with your fingers laced together, with him settled between your parted thighs as if it's where he always belonged you're so unbelievably grateful that he's going to be your first. Biting down hard on your lower lip to keep your emotional tears at bay you're thankful, so thankful when he speaks and he's able to coax a much needed laugh from your nervous body.

"Think you mean handsome."

Cupping his cheek you giggle. "No I definitely mean beautiful." Your voice is hushed and when he grasps your hand bringing it up to his lips to press a gentle kiss to your palm you swear the line between friends and something more disappears. Intertwining your fingers he pins your hand by your head. 

It's quiet in his room. The laugh track that had been drifting through his walls throughout most of the night is silent and you wonder what time it is. You wonder what Bucky is thinking as he stares down at you, wonder if he's as nervous as you are. 

"I'm ready, Bucky," you whispered and you're surprised when your voice only shakes a little. 

Taking a minute to search your eyes he brushes his lips lightly across yours in a kiss that sends your heart racing. 

"You sure?"

"Yeah."

"Tell me if I hurt you." It's not so much a statement, but a question and even without seeing his eyes you can hear the tinge of pain that laces his words at the thought of ever hurting you. You want to tell him that he's not going to, but you both know that would be a lie. You fully expect there to be pain, but you try not to focus on that. Instead you focus on the way his hands feel holding yours, focus on the way he kisses you again, focus on the way his lips are warm and slightly chapped, focus on the way he tastes like mint, focus on the way his body feels tangled with your own. 

And when he pulls his lips away from yours you focus on the way he stares so deeply into your eyes, focus on the way you can faintly see his lips curling up into a smile as the two of you embark on this new chapter and when he slowly, oh so slowly pushes into you you focus on the way his callused hands are keeping you anchored. You focus on the way he moans, so deep and low, focus on the way he's staring at you. Focus on anything other than the burning of him stretching you.

Squeezing his hands you tilt your head to the side clenching your eyes. It's so hard to focus on anything other than the pain. You had seen and felt how thick he had been, had seen how large and though you had heard stories about the slight pain you hadn't expected it to hurt _this_ much.

His name falls from your lips in a whimper, but like earlier he's right there peppering your skin with kisses meant to soothe, cooing words of encouragement as he continues to push slowly in. You're not sure he's ever going to be done and though you try to remember Natasha's advice of relaxing, of taking deep breaths it's so hard when you swear to god you can feel the burning through your whole body.

"Do you want me to stop?" His voice is gravelly and though he doesn't want to be getting pleasure when you're in distress he can't help the shaky groan that escapes when he feels how tight you are.

"No," you mumbled through gritted teeth. 

A quick nod of his head, another groan and he's kissing you so sweetly in an attempt to get your mind off the pain that you're worried you're about to cry over how perfect he's being. Bottoming out he has to remind himself that this is about you and not him, but it's difficult when all he can think about is pulling out and thrusting back in until you're screaming his name in pleasure. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I just... I need a minute." 

His lips never leave your face and as his beard rubs against your chin, your jaw, your cheeks you can't help wondering what's going to hurt more when all of this is done; the burning between your legs or the burn from his beard. 

"I promise it's gonna feel better soon, honey. Gonna make you feel so good, Y/N," he cooed, kissing his way down your neck.

"You can move," you whispered before adding, "I'm sure."

He continues to kiss his way down your neck before dragging his lips across your jaw giving you an extra minute to adjust. Barely pulling his hips back he pushes back in keeping his thrusts slow and shallow doing anything he could to make this good for you.

"Still okay?" He mumbled, searching your lips out in a slow drawn out kiss. 

It still hurt, still burned, but there were tinges of pleasure peaking through with each movement of his hips. Moaning into the kiss you longed to run your fingers through his hair, run your nails down his back, wrap your arm around his shoulder to pull him closer to you. You were addicted to him, to his touch, to his kisses, to the slow drag of his length against your wet heat. 

"Keep going," you urged desperately.

Nipping at your bottom lip Bucky let out a long drawn out moan sending heat straight to your core. Arching your back you pushed your hands up against his when he pulled his hips back all the way before pushing back in. His pace was still slow, still a little hesitant for fear of hurting you, but his thrusts were becoming longer leading your breathing to become a little more labored as each thrust brought more pleasure and lessened pain.

"Y/N," he panted, against the shell of your ear. "You feel so fuckin' good, baby. So good. _Fuck_."

His words spurred you on and when you hesitantly lifted your hips up to meet his thrusts you worried you had done something wrong when he quickly untangled his hand from yours. Gripping your hip so tightly you knew you'd have bruises come morning he helped to guide your movements sending waves of pleasure shooting through you. 

Tilting your head back you whimpered when you heard the animalistic growl that flowed from his lips. With one hand free you wrapped your arm around his shoulder pulling him down closer to you. Pressing your mouth to the shell of his ear you let him know just how good he was making you feel with each whimper and cry that oozed from your lips.

“Yeah, just like this, sweetheart,” he coaxed, his hand never leaving your hip. “That feel better?”

It did, it really, really did, but the words wouldn’t come out. Opening your mouth to speak all that came was a strangled moan and when it mixed with Bucky’s own it sounded so beautiful.

Your nails dug into his shoulder when he rocked his hips into yours a little quicker, your breathing picked up and though you still felt the burning when he moved too quick or thrust too hard the pleasure was far outweighing the pain.

“ _Oh_... oh god I feel so _full_ ,” you panted, your hold loosening on his shoulder as you threaded your fingers through his sweaty hair. 

Guiding his lips down to yours you kissed him quickly as the sounds of skin slapping against skin echoed throughout his bedroom further spurring you on. And when his hips rocked into yours again with a little more force knocking his headboard against the wall and making the bed squeak below your sweaty bodies all you could do was giggle against his lips, squeeze his hand and urge him to keep going.

Lips part, tongues dance in a complicated pattern, hips lift upwards, hips drag downwards searching for spots that bring falling stars to the blackness behind closed eyes, backs arch, gasps and moans and growls mix and mingle in a beautiful love song only meant for two people.

Sweat trickles down writhing bodies to stain bedsheets, limbs become tangled together as one making it difficult to know where one person begins and another ends. It’s messy and hot and carnal and it’s a mess of lust and love and confusion, but it feels _so good._

Heavy breaths mix with needy pants silently begging to _keep going_ , to _not stop_ , to _never stop_ mingle with the urgent begging of _just wanna make you feel good,_ to _not_ _gonna last much_ _longer,_ to the silently whispered _I love you_ told through kisses and touches in a langue only one understands. 

Releasing his grip on your hip Bucky slips his fingers between your connected bodies as his thumb searches out your clit. Circling over the sensitive nub with slow lazy circles he watches with half lidded eyes the way your head tilts to the side, lips parted, your breathing coming out in heavy pants. He watches the way your breasts bounce with each thrust of his hips, watches the way your nipples come to perfect points just begging to be kissed. 

He feels the way your fingers alternate between tugging and threading through his hair. Feels the way you continue to lift your hips up just like he showed you. And he’s overcome with the need to slow this down to remove his thumb from your clit, to slow his thrusts until he’s barely moving inside of you so he can stretch this out for a few more minutes to remember every single detail of this moment. 

But when he feels your walls clenching, when he watches the way your pearly teeth tug on your swollen lip, when he sees you glancing up at him with wide innocent eyes that are so glazed over with lust and when he hears you calling his name out softly at first before becoming more urgent he realizes that this moment isn’t about him, it’s about you and your first time being good. 

“Tell me what you need, honey,” he groaned. “Cause ‘m not gonna last much longer.” He’s not embarrassed to admit it. In fact he’s surprised he’s lasted this long.

“You, Bucky, I need you,” you gasped.

Rolling your clit between his thumb and his forefinger he listens to the sounds of your moans increase, feels your walls clenching around him again and he knows it’s not going to take much more to push you over the edge.

“That all?” He teased before moaning. “You already have me, Y/N, you know that.” 

There’s a seriousness that belies his tone, but it’s lost on you when he manages to brush against that one spot that makes you see stars. Tugging on his hair you try to tell him again, but when you open your mouth the only sound that comes out is that of an obscene moan, one that’s so loud it manages to drown out the sound of his squeaking bed and slamming headboard.

Burying his head in your neck his breath his warm, his fingers quick as they circle your clit, his thrusts a little slower, but they’re deeper and they manage to hit spots inside of you you weren’t even aware of.

It’s too much. Everything is too much. And when he nips at your neck it’s enough to push you over the edge. 

“Oh, _oh,_ Bucky!” You cried out, your fingers tugging so hard on his hair you’re worried you’re hurting him, but it’s the least of your concerns when your orgasm washes over you. It’s strong, stronger than the previous three he had given you and as your back makes contact with his bed again you swear to god you’re never going to be able to see straight again or breath normally.

Loosening your hold on his hair you whine as his fingers continue to toy with your clit and you want to shove his hand away because it’s too much. You’re too sensitive, but you find you’re unable to when you hear him mumbling that he’s going to cum. His thrusts become more erratic, more sloppy and you want to do something to help him bring him to his own release, but you find yourself unable to do anything as you’re still coming down.

A mumbled fuck, a final thrust, his body stiffening before collapsing in exhaustion and though he tries to keep his weight off of you he needs a minute to collect his senses. 

His room is still save for your heavy breaths. You want to ask him if he’s okay, but you find it impossible to do when his lips are on yours. The kiss is so soft, so sweet that once again you have to blink back the emotional tears that are threatening to spill. And when he lifts himself up, when he slowly, oh so slowly pulls out of you and notices the way you hiss, the way your body tenses he’s right there brushing back your sweaty hair and peppering your face with kisses.

“Are you okay? I didn’t hurt you too much did I?” 

“I’m okay,” you murmured, reaching for his blanket to cover yourself. It’s silly given what just took place, but now that it’s over with, now that you guys are moving back to being friends you feel too exposed being naked. You’re not sure how to handle this. Are you guys supposed to talk about it? Pretend it didn’t happen? Continue making out? 

Nobody had prepared you for this and you feel a myriad of emotions wash over you. Whenever anyone talked about their first time all they talked about was the pain, how it was awkward, if it was good or bad, if they had been treated well or not, if they regretted it or not. Nobody ever talked about the emotions that came afterward. 

You didn’t regret it. You were _glad_ that Bucky was your first and you knew you couldn’t have asked for someone to treat you better, but it was still overwhelming and confusing and you didn’t know how to talk about this with him.

With his back turned as he disposed of the condom you quickly swiped away your tears. Securing the blanket around yourself you got up from his bed and reached down for your clothes. Your hands shook, your legs felt like jello and you could already feel an uncomfortable throbbing forming between your legs. 

“Are you okay?” You asked and you hated the way your voice shook and all you could do was pray he wouldn’t notice.

When he turned around you missed the brief frown that formed on his face when he saw you standing by his bed.

“‘M okay. You know you don’t have to get dressed right away I don’t mind if you wanna sleep naked.”

“Bucky!” 

“What?” He asked, laughing his features relaxing when he saw the smile that curled your lips up.

“I’m um gonna go get cleaned up.” You don’t give him a chance to speak before you clutch the blanket tighter to your exhausted body and head for his bathroom.

With the bathroom door closed you drop the blanket and your clothes onto a pile on his floor. Inspecting yourself in the mirror you take in your swollen and red lips, your messy and matted hair, the hickes that adorn your neck trailing down to your chest and breasts. Physically you don’t look different, but you feel different. 

Your opinion on the matter of sex hasn’t changed. It’s still just sex to you, it’s not a big deal, but you can’t deny the little nagging feeling in the back of your mind trying to tell you otherwise. Sighing you go to the bathroom, wash your hands, splash some cold water on your face to try and hide the fact of your few fallen tears and get dressed in his tee shirt and a pair of underwear. 

Entering his room you hover in his doorway surprised to see him sitting up in bed with the light still on. You don’t know why you feel so shy all of a sudden, but as you shift your weight from foot to foot you smile when he catches you. Patting the spot on the bed next to him and murmuring a quiet c’mere your feet move on their own.

Dropping the blanket on the end of his bed you climb in next to him, but you make sure to keep a bit of space between you two.

“I thought you would have been sleeping by now,” you whispered. It somehow feels wrong to talk too loud in his room and he must feel it too because as he reaches over to shut his light off his reply is quiet.

“Wanted to make sure you were okay.” 

His words linger in the air between the two of you and you think about asking him if he wants to play honesty, but you don’t deciding it’s best to just rip the bandaid off and tell him.

“I’m okay. I just... I _don’t_ regret what we did, but I don’t know I guess I didn’t think it was going to be so... emotional either you know? It was overwhelming in a good way, Bucky I promise. I guess I’m just struggling to process everything.”

In the darkness his hand searches for yours and though it takes a couple minutes of sheets rustling and limbs fumbling and giggles spilling he finds it. Intertwining your fingers again he gives your hand a gentle squeeze in the dark and though it doesn’t fix the emotions swirling through you it does help to calm your racing thoughts and anchor you.

“That’s normal,” he murmured, his voice so soothing you swear it could put you to sleep. “It was a big step for you. We did a lot of stuff the past twenty four hours and I’d be worried if you weren’t a little overwhelmed, sweetheart. Do you wanna talk about it?”

The correct answer was yes you knew that. You guys needed to talk to figure out where you went from here, but you were exhausted and you knew he was too. 

“Not right now.”

“You sure?”

“Yeah.”

One minute, two minutes, three minutes pass and by the gentle way Bucky’s breathing can be heard next to you you worry he’s fallen asleep before you can ask one final thing.

“Bucky?”

“Mmf yeah?”

“Can you... can you just hold me? Please?” You hate how needy you sound, but all you want is to be wrapped up in his arms, to feel safe, to know that everything is going to be okay.

“You really gotta ask? C’mere, honey.”

Even though it’s dark in his room and you can’t see him very well you can picture him with his arms open and as you scoot over to close the distance sighing when he wraps his arms around your shoulders pulling you right to him. Resting your head on his chest you close your eyes listening to the rhythmic sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

You swore you had drifted to sleep only minutes ago when Bucky’s gravely voice woke you up. Groaning in annoyance you snuggled further into his sheets trying to hold onto the last grasp of slumber, but it was useless. Rubbing your tired eyes you yawned rolling onto your side to see Bucky on the phone.

Sitting against his headboard still shirtless and only clad in his boxers you watched the way his chest rose and fell in even breaths. Watched the way the thin stream of sunlight from his window shone against his tanned skin highlighting his perfectly sculpted abs. You wanted to reach out and lightly trace his muscles, but after last night you weren’t sure what the protocol was. 

Dragging your gaze up to his face you bit back a giggle at the way pieces of his hair were sticking up haphazardly. In all the times you had spent the night with him you had never seen his hair look quite so messy. Then again in all the times you had spent the night with him you had never spent so much time tugging and threading your fingers through his hair.

Dark circles lined his eyes and you wondered how long he had been awake for. His gaze swiveled down to you and the smile that he graced you with sent your heart racing. And when he mouthed _morning_ you felt your stomach flutter.

“She’s awake now I’ll talk to you later, Steve,” he murmured.

Dropping your gaze you listened to him wrap his conversation up and then he was placing his phone on his nightstand and gracing you with his full attention. 

“Did I wake you?”

“It’s okay,” you said, yawning behind your hand. “It’s only fair after I woke you up last night... or this morning.” 

It was hard to remember the timeline of everything that had happened in the past twenty fours and the little bit of sleep you had managed to get along with trying to understand the myriad of emotions had your head feeling heavy.

“How are you feeling?”

“Tired.” Fighting another yawn you knew that wasn't what he was referring to. "Sore,” you added shyly. 

The sound of his sheets rustling filled his room as he repositioned himself so he was laying on his side facing you. Throughout the night his eyes had returned back to their normally bright blue color. In the morning light he had a fresh growth of stubble lining his face and though you still weren’t sure what the protocol was after losing your virginity to your best friend your fingers reached out on their own accord and lightly caressed his cheek.

There were so many things you wanted to say to him, but the words were lodged in the back of your throat. Your eyes lingered on his lips, your fingertips continuing to stroke his beard and as your eyes slowly danced up to meet his your heart skipped a beat at the way he was staring at you. His stare was magnetic and you found yourself unable to look away. Searching his eyes your body arched into his touch when his hand hesitantly slipped to your waist. 

A small nod of your head, a gentle smile curving up your lips, teeth tugging on your lower lip and he was slowly, oh so slowly slipping his hand under the hem of your shirt his callused hands caressing the warm skin of your back. 

A couple more minutes of silence stretched on and you would have given anything to spend the rest of the day like this.

But life didn’t always work out the way you wanted it to and when you swore his gentle caresses on your back could lull you back to sleep he was speaking and breaking the comfortable silence.

“We didn’t get a chance to talk about what happened,” he murmured softly, as if he was afraid by merely bringing it up you’d flee from his arms.

You remembered all too well the way you had bolted from his embrace, from his bed, from the tangled mess of your bodies last night. Remembered all too well the way his blanket felt scratchy against your sweaty and heated skin. Remembered all too well the way the lights in his bathroom had seemed so unnaturally bright.

But mostly you remembered all too well the onslaught of emotions that bombarded you. Remembered the way only moments before the two of you had become one only to separate and come face to face with the awkwardness that had seemingly replaced the afterglow you had been robbed of.

Dropping your gaze you mumbled an I know finding it difficult to look at him. Your fingers were the next to drop and you missed the feeling of his scratchy beard. Lightly resting your hand on his chest you chewed on your lower lip struggling to reign in your racing thoughts. You knew what he wanted to know, knew what he wanted to ask, but you didn’t know how to talk about it. It was stupid given what had taken place only hours ago. After sharing something so intimate with Bucky it should have been easy to talk about anything with him, but you were finding the opposite to be true. 

“I’m sorry.” You weren’t sure if you were apologizing for the way you had bolted or for being unable to talk about it, but like every time he noticed the way your body would stiffen from nerves or embarrassment he was right there trying to fix it.

His hand rubbed small and soothing circles against your back. “It’s okay just talk to me.”

He made it sound so easy like you were talking about what to order for breakfast or what movie to watch. 

“Do you have deep conversations with all your hookups the morning after?” You teased. Daring a glance up at him you expected to see him cracking a smile or maybe to see that mischievous glint in his eyes that let you know he was ready to tease you back. You weren’t expecting to see him frowning or to see a flash of sadness flit across his eyes. 

“Y/N, look at me,” he commanded when you dropped your gaze again. “You were more than just a hookup to me you know that, right?” 

Unlike last night when he had called you beautiful the sincerity in his voice made you take notice, made you believe him. Searching his eyes you saw nothing but honesty reflected.

“Yeah,” you breathed, your thoughts becoming consumed with the thought that if you tilted your face just a little bit his lips could be on yours in a second. The thought made it hard to concertante on his next words, even harder to focus on giving him an answer.

“So talk to me sweetheart.” His lips brushed across your forehead in a kiss that was equal parts sweet and reassuring and though you were still apprehensive about opening up to him you knew you had to. 

“I meant what I said I don’t regret it,” you started. Still unable to look at him you drew random patterns on his chest, your eyes watching each swirl and dip of your fingers. “And I’m glad that you were my first. _Really_ glad.”

“But?” He prompted after a couple minutes of silence and the slight edge to his voice had you finally lifting your eyes to his.

The worry reflected back had you frowning and you wondered what was going through his mind. Part of you wanted to lean forward and capture his lips in a kiss that would convey everything you were struggling to say. But you knew until you guys talked about this and figured out where to go from here kissing him wasn’t the best idea.

“I didn’t think it was going to be so emotional or... or so _intense_.” You weren’t sure your words were making sense. You knew you weren’t explaining this right, but it was so hard to focus when you could still feel his hand rubbing circles on your back and when you watched the worry dissipate from his eyes to be replaced with a concern you sighed. 

“It was just overwhelming, Bucky,” you mumbled, dropping your eyes. Wanting nothing more than to curl up into his arms and have him hold you like he did last night, like he did whenever you had a bad day, like he did whenever you needed him you frowned as you continued to draw patterns on his tanned chest.

“You know,” he started after a couple minutes of silence. His voice is quiet and if you weren’t laying so close to him you wouldn’t have heard. “It was intense for me too.”

Hearing his words your head whipped up so fast to look at him you swear you get whiplash. The sheepish look on his face, the way he offers a shrug of his shoulders it all tells you he’s telling you the truth, not simply saying it to make you feel better. Opening and closing your mouth you’re at a loss for words.

“ _Why_?” It’s not until he’s cracking a smile that you realize how _rude_ your outburst was. “I just... I mean it wasn’t like it was your first time.”

“No, but it was ours,” he murmured, his eyes looking into yours so deeply that you swear he can read what’s written on your heart, written on your soul. “And I wanted it to be good for you. Wanted it to be memorable.”

“It was,” you breathed out. “It was... god Bucky you were perfect.”

It’s impossible to look away, but even if you could you don’t think you would have. His hand stilled on your back as your fingers stilled against his chest. Lost in his eyes you think again about how easy it would be to lean forward and kiss him. How easy it would be to roll onto your back and pull him with you, but the throbbing ache between your legs reminds you that your body needs time, yet that doesn’t stop your mind from conjuring memories of what had taken place hours ago.

“Is it always gonna be like that? So... so emotional and intense?”

“It’s different with someone you care about. Someone you lo-.” He doesn’t finish his sentence, but you find you don’t care. You’ve barely been listening to his words anyways and as he tilts his head down you wonder if he had been listening to anything you said.

When his lips brush across yours lightly at first it takes a minute of him coaxing you before you find yourself able to kiss him back. It’s soft and slow and sweet and you’re surprised and relieved to find no trace of awkwardness in the kiss. It feels _right_ and you’re not sure if that has to do with sleeping together or him forcing you to open up. Either way you don’t care. 

Sliding your hand from his chest to the back of his neck you curl your fingers in his hair and when his tongue dances across your lower lip asking for entrance you eagerly grant it to him. Moaning when his tongue expertly explores your mouth before tangling with your own you’re a breathless mess when he finally pulls away his forehead resting against yours.

Heavy breaths mingle, his hand spays across your back pushing you closer to him, legs tangle, hearts pound steadily and shakily beneath chests, eyes flutter open and closed and just as breathing becomes steady lips are melting together again in perfect harmony.

“Honey,” he mumbled against your lips, the pet name taking on new meaning after what took place. It fills your body with a warmth, sends your heart fluttering and you want to ask him to say it again, to keep saying it until the word loses all meaning. 

“I can’t answer that for you, but it’ll feel better next time. It’ll feel so much fuckin’ better for you I promise.” His teeth nip at your lip, his kisses dance across your cheek before moving back to your lips.

It takes your brain a moment to catch up with his words, to understand what he’s talking about, but when you remember your earlier question, when you replay his answer you hope it’s true, you hope the next time _is_ better. Less painful, less awkward, you hope you get that promised afterglow you missed out on this first time.

“Is there going to be a next time for us?” The words tumble from your mouth only to be swallowed by his kisses and you half hope he didn’t catch them. This wasn’t how you wanted to ask him where you went from here. 

The urge to untangle your bodies and run or to apologize are so strong, but before you can do anything he’s tightening his hold on you as if he could read your thoughts, as if he could feel the panic wafting from your body.

He doesn’t say anything for a minute as he continues to kiss you and you relax thinking maybe he didn’t hear you, but just as the thought flits through your mind he’s pulling his lips back and brushing his nose lightly against yours. Lifting his shoulder up in a shrug he lets out a sigh pulling back just enough to stare into your eyes.

“You’re still in charge, sweetheart so you tell me."

“But... what if what I want is different than what you want?”

The truth is you hadn’t thought this arrangement through when you had asked him to sleep with you. That night in his apartment when you had first broached the subject you had only planned on it being a one time thing. You guys would sleep together and then go back to being friends. You hadn’t expected his rules, hadn’t expected the makeout sessions, hadn’t expected him to spend so much time making sure you felt good. And you _definitely_ hadn’t expected him to be so talented in that aspect. Just like you hadn’t expected to become so addicted to his kisses or his touch. What was only supposed to be a one time thing had you longing to stretch this out a little longer, had you longing to have him explore your body more, had you longing to explore _his_ body.

And while you knew the longer you dragged this on, the more you hooked up the higher the chance was that things could get messy, but you still held out hope that if anybody could navigate friends with benefits without getting hurt it was you two.

“We’ll figure it out,” he whispered, his voice like velvet. “Tell me what you want, honey.”

There it was, that pet name again, the pet name that turned your body to jello, that made your heart flutter, that made you want to do exactly as he asked.

“I mean... we’re both single,” you started slowly, your eyes darting up to gauge his reaction. Met with a depth of love and patience it gives you the confidence to continue. “And we both enjoy what we’ve been doing. I mean at least I think we both have? You’ve been so focused on me that you haven’t exactly been getting a lot out of this, but... I-I want to keep doing this.”

Swallowing the lump in your throat you wait with bated breath for his answer. Time seems to stretch on for minutes, for hours, for _days_ , but in reality you know it can’t be more than a few seconds. 

“Y/N,” he murmured, his voice is so low it has you shivering in his arms as your heart plummets to your stomach. He’s going to say no, going to say that this was only meant to be a one time thing and you don’t know how you’re going to be able to look him in the eyes when all you can think about is the way he stared into your eyes every time he brought you to an overwhelming release.

“You really think I haven’t been getting anything out of this? You have _no idea_ how much I enjoy getting you off, Y/N. How much I enjoy hearing you moan my name. I’ve been gettin’ so much out of this.” To prove his words he kisses you so deeply you swear you see stars flash behind your closed eyes.

His words and his kiss catch you off guard after having been so sure he would say no and though he didn’t technically say yes you get lost in the kiss. 

“That what you want? To just be friends with benefits? Nothing more?"

His tone is unreadable though you think you hear a hint of disappointment, but you brush it aside assuming you’re wrong. After all why would he be disappointed about being friends with benefits when he had assured you only moments before that he enjoyed what you guys had? His eyes search yours, his expression as unreadable as his tone, but you think you see a hint of sadness flash through, but again you brush it aside assuming you’re wrong and again your heart plummets to your stomach for fear of him saying no.

"That's what I want," you repeated, trying your best to ignore the warning bells that were ringing in the back of your mind. "But this isn't just my decision, Bucky. What do you want?"

"I can do friends with benefits," he lied, forcing a smile onto his face.

  
“So how was it?” Natasha asked playfully. Crossing your bedroom floor she drapes herself dramatically across your bed propping her head up with her hand and without her having to say more you know _exactly_ what she’s asking about.

Tossing your phone next to you on the bed you try, but fail to keep the smile off your face. Aside from Bucky nobody can read you better than her and it’s both a blessing and a curse.

“How did you know?” 

Lifting her shoulder up in a shrug she arches a perfect eyebrow letting you know that there’s no way you’re getting out of this conversation without spilling some of the details.

“Call it a woman’s intuition,” she teased. “He treated you okay? Do I have to have a talk with him?”

“No you don’t have to have a talk with him,” you said, opting to answer the easier question first. Tugging at a loose thread on your shirt your chewed on your lower lip thinking about the way he treated you so much better than okay. Heat crawled its way up your neck and when you lifted your eyes to meet hers you wondered if she could tell what you were thinking by the intense way she was scrutinizing you.

“He was... he treated me perfectly,” you gushed. “I’m _serious_. He was a complete gentleman. I mean I know I don’t exactly have a lot of experience, but god Nat it was... he was... better than either of my exes which I _know_ doesn’t say a lot, but... it was good. Like _really_ good.”

“I’m glad it was good,” she said after a moment of silence after a too long moment of staring at you. 

You’d be lying if you said it wasn’t making you a little uncomfortable.

“So you guys are going back to friends?”

It’s your turn to have a moment of silence. Shifting on your bed you drop your gaze. You can already picture the lecture she’s about to give you if you tell her about your arrangement, but you hate keeping things from her. Clearing your throat you shrug your shoulder trying and failing to emit a sense nonchalance.

“Yeah. Friends,” you said before quickly adding. “With benefits.”

The silence scares you. With Natasha it’s not her words of anger or her raised voice you have to be afraid of. No, those are easy to handle. At least with a raised voice or a string of angry words thrown in your direction you know what you’re up against. It’s her steely all knowing gazes, it’s the stretched silences, it’s the thin lips that you have to be afraid because with those you never quite know what you’re going to get.

“Friends. With benefits,” she repeated slowly as if the words were a foreign language and she wasn’t quite sure how to pronounce them.

“Uh huh.”

An audible sigh is heard in your bedroom and you know that’s not a good sign, but before you can try to defend your decision she’s speaking in a tone that’s even her words surprising you.

“Be careful, Y/N. I really don’t want to see you get hurt.”

It’s all she says before bidding you goodnight. Watching her retreating back as she leaves your room she closes your bedroom door with a quiet click. Left alone with your thoughts you’re surprised at her lack of a lecture, lack of her words. You want to chase after her and tell her you’re going to be okay, reassure her that no one is going to get hurt, try and convince her that if she had been there to see how well Bucky had treated you she’d understand this arrangement. But you don’t chase after her, you don’t tell her any of that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think and follow me on tumblr where I thirst of Sebastian @tellmealovestory


	8. Chapter 8

“Bucky!” You giggled, swatting his hand away as he plucked another french fry from your plate. 

“What? Yours taste better,” he said, reaching for another handful.

“They’re the same as what’s on your plate,” you pointed out, with a raised eyebrow.

It didn’t matter if you and Bucky ordered the same thing or something different he was always as he called it _sampling_ things from your plate. Fruit from french toast, leftover pickles, a lick from an ice cream cone, a too long sip from  
an ice cold slushy. Even though you yelled at him and playfully pushed your plate away you secretly enjoyed it.

“Anything else I can get you?” Your waitress asked.

“Chocolate cake.”

“With whip cream!” You added quickly to your waitresses retreating back. 

“Oh, should we have gotten two plates since the food on mine is so much better?” You teased and when he laughs it’s rich and _warm_ and it sets your heart fluttering.

The plate is set down with a loud clank, the forks jangling against the tabletop, but neither of you notice your eyes locked on each other’s. A smirk graces his face, a small smile on yours. Reaching down blindly for your fork you pick it up swiping it through the messy swirl of whip cream. Bringing it to your lips you sigh in content. 

“Ya know you should try the cake instead of just eating the whip cream all the time. ‘S really good.”

Cutting a small sliver off he extends his fork to you. Leaning forward you giggle as he slips the metal past your parted lips. It’s not the first time he’s offered you food like this, but after sleeping with him the move feels intimate, more suited for lovers on a date than best friends in a rundown diner.

The chocolate is thick, sweet, melt in your mouth and you hate to admit it, but he’s right. _It’s good._ And you want to tell him that, but you’re finding it hard to get the words out when his eyes are turning darker with each passing second, when his tongue is dancing across his bottom lip. And when he speaks his voice is so low, so husky you swear that the conversation around you fades until it’s only the two of you lost in your own world.

“Honey, you’ve got some chocolate.” He leaned forward his eyes never wavering from yours as the pad of his thumb brushes against the corner of your mouth wiping away the chocolate. “Right _there._ ” 

Heat crawls up your neck and you’re not sure if it’s from embarrassment or the intimacy of his actions.

“Tha-.”

His eyes stay locked on yours, his pink tongue darting out to swirl around his thumb as he cleans the chocolate off. To anybody passing by it would be an innocent gesture, but to you it’s so much more. “Told you yours tastes better.”

  
It’s a rush to get back to your apartment with hands clutching tightly to one another’s, stolen kisses in the back of a cab, whispered words in ears that send delicious shivers of want down your back, lust filled gazes, teeth tugging on lower lips to silence the growing noises that are threatening to spill. 

And once you make it to your apartment it’s madness. 

Kisses that are rough and sloppy and _needy._ Hands that rush to explore newly exposed skin as clothes are stripped and tossed carelessly to the floor in a trail that lead to your bedroom. Muffled gasps and moans mix with heavy breaths and giggles each time one of you bump a hip into a piece of furniture or slam a back against a wall rattling picture frames. The sounds, the bruises that will appear soon, the cool air that contrasts with his hot mouth on your bare skin only spurs you on. And the feeling is mutual. 

Though the apartment is yours for the weekend that doesn’t stop Bucky from closing your bedroom door or from slamming your back into it as his lips hungrily search yours out. Wrapping your arms around his neck you pull him closer to you moaning into his mouth. His touch unlike his kiss is feather light as his fingers ghost up and down your bare side sending chills down your body. 

Everything is rough and fast and if you’re being honest a little overwhelming. You’ve never seen this side of Bucky before, but if you’re being honest you kind of like it. 

Leaning your head back against your door you part your lips fully intending to ask him to slow down, but when he kisses your jaw, when his hand envelopes your breast massaging and tweaking your nipple through your bra the only thing that escapes is a loud moan.

Tugging on his hair you whine when his lips move down your throat. “B-Bucky,” you moaned. “I just... _oh._ ” He makes it so difficult to speak, so difficult to think.

“Yeah?” He groaned against your ear. Moving his hand to your other breast he presses a soft kiss behind your ear. “What do you need, baby?”

You should be so used to him asking you that, but you’re not. Each time it sends your stomach fluttering with how _sweet_ he sounds even when he’s doing dirty things.

“You need me to slow down?” He murmured, his mouth still pressed against your ear.

Biting your lip you shake your head no whining when he removes his hand from your breast. His fingertips dance down your side, your eyes flutter closed and you swear if he wasn’t pressed flush against you holding you up you’d collapse.

“You need me to touch you?” His fingers rest on the waistband of your underwear not making a move to go further until he gets an answer. “Tell me,” he growled, his voice is _commanding_ in a way you haven’t heard from him yet and the tone leaves you whimpering. 

“I... I.” You can hear him chuckling again and if you weren’t such a _mess_ you think you’d slap him. He’s fully aware of the effect he has on you and you long to turn the tables, but he’s making it so difficult when he’s working his lips down your neck in the slowest kisses possible managing to hit all your sweet spots. “ _Touch_ ,” you gasped and you feel like you’re playing a one person game of charades. 

“Touch you? That what you need baby?” he groaned, his fingers slowly dipping past the waistband of your underwear to stroke your wet folds.

It takes all your willpower to unwrap your arms from his shoulders and to grasp his wrist stopping his movements. He sucks in a deep breath, his lips pulling away from your neck, his fingers slipping out of your underwear so quickly as he looks at you with panicked eyes. He doesn’t have to say it for once you can read his expression, read the worry written across his face.

“No, I mean yes I want you to touch me,” you blurted out, relieved to see the panic ebb. “But I want... I want to touch _you_ , Bucky. I want to make you feel good. Please?” 

Biting your lip you stare up at him with hopeful eyes. It had been two months since you lost your virginity to him and despite the time you guys were still taking things slow. His focus was still on you and your pleasure and while you appreciated all the attention and care he lavished you with you were eager to return the favor. 

“You don’t have to, honey,” he murmured, voice husky.

“I know.” Trailing your fingers down his chest he groaned at the way his muscles contracted from the light touch. Your eyes never leave his, your teeth pull on your lower lip as you summon a bout of confidence. Palming his hardness through his boxers you both moaned. “But I _want_ to.”

Blue eyes fluttered shut, his breath picking up slightly and when he didn’t say anything else you boldly slipped your hand into his boxers. He was already hard, throbbing in your hand. A bead of precum dotted the tip of of him. Brushing your thumb across the sensitive tip you smeared it around before giving him a gentle stroke.

With your free hand you tugged his boxers down to release him. It wasn’t your first time seeing him, but the length, the thickness, the angry red tip leaking with precum still managed to make your mouth water. With each stroke of your hand you picked up the pace, your eyes locked on his face, your ears tuned to each stuttered breath, each moan that slipped past his lips as you worked to figure out what he liked the most.

His hand slammed against your bedroom door the sound reverberating through your room when you moved your hand in a corkscrew motion.

“F-Fuck,” he choked out, his head dropping to the crook of your neck. Each moan he let out, each thrust of his hips into your hand brought a sense of pride to you knowing that _you_ were the one to make him feel so good. “ _Y/N._ ”

You’re not sure you’ve heard anything more alluring than the sound of your name spilling from his lips in a strangled moan and it makes you wonder what other sounds you can coax from him. 

Increasing the pace of your strokes you slowly drop to your knees giggling when he lets out another low moan. His eyes are half lidded, glazed over and _dark._ His tanned chest rising and falling so rapidly you’d be worried he was about pass out if he wasn’t making the most sinful sounds.

“ _Baby,_ ” he choked out. “Sweetheart, you don’t have to.” 

Ignoring his words, ignoring the way your underwear grows slicker you dart your tongue out to lick at the precum. Slipping his tip past your parted lips you give a gentle suck watching the way he slams his eyes shut. Your hand works over what’s not in your mouth and you understand why he’s always so eager to make you feel good. It’s _powerful_ hearing someone moan your name, watching someone come undone right before you. 

“I told you, Bucky, I want to,” you murmured, focusing your attention back on his tip. Cupping his balls you slip more of him past your parted lips. Your pace is slow, hesitant and while this isn’t the first time you’ve done this like most of the things you’ve done with Bucky it’s different in a way it never was with your ex. It’s _better_ , sweeter somehow, despite your actions being dirty at best.

His free hand rests on the back of your head, his fingers curling around your hair though he doesn’t make a move to push your mouth to take more of him. “Y/N,” he moaned. “Your mouth feels so good.”

The praise sends a warmth through you, spurs you on and you never knew that you could grow to _enjoy_ this. Hollowing your cheeks and bobbing your head you listen to the way his moans increase in frequency and in volume, listen to the way his breath hitches when you attempt to take all of him. It’s useless, he’s bigger than you’re used to, but you think it’s worth it when a string of choked praises escape his parted lips.

Squeezing your thighs together to ease the throbbing you slip him out of your mouth. A trail of spit dangles from mouth falling to your chin, but you don’t care. Stroking him you glance up at him through your lashes admiring the way his head is thrown back in pure ecstasy, the way his lips are parted, the way you can feel his fingers clenching and unclenching around your hair.

Wrapping your lips around his tip you suck greedily listening to the endless stream of groans that escape him. Massaging his balls and stroking what’s not in your mouth you keep your eyes on him.

“Fuck, _fuck Y/N_ , don’t stop, sweetheart ‘m close,” he rambled, the words rushed amidst his labored breaths.

Hearing that he’s close has you moaning around his length the vibrations causing him to hiss. Taking more of him into your mouth you hollow your cheeks again, sucking a little harder as your head bobs faster. 

“Sweetheart,” he groaned, his voice low with a hint of a warning.

Another bob of your head, another low groan from Bucky and his body is tensing, his release coating your mouth and your tongue. It’s hot and salty and a little unsavory and you struggle to swallow it all down. Dropping your hand from his balls you help him ride out his orgasm as you slowly release him from your mouth with a quiet pop. 

Helping you to your feet your legs are shaky, your breath a little uneven, your heart pounding heavily beneath your chest from equal parts nerves and exhilaration. 

Bucky is just as messed up. You've never seen him like this. With eyes that are still glazed and heavy lidded, with his tan chest rising and falling, with one hand still resting on the door by your head and his other hand trailing up and down your side. 

Staring up at him you wonder if this is what you look like when he brings you to such highs. Threading your fingers through his sweaty hair you offer him a shy smile wanting to ask if it was okay, if _he's_ okay, but the fire that's dancing in his darkened eyes and the way his hand slides up to cup your heated cheek and the way he kisses you makes you lose your train of thought. 

The kiss starts off sweet enough, but it's not long before he's pushing his tongue into your mouth exploring each crevice, not long before his fingertips are dancing along the top of your bra teasing you. And it's not long before he's breaking the kiss, before he's trailing his lips across your cheek and nipping at the sensitive skin of your neck.

" _Honey._ "

Wrapping your arm around his shoulder to anchor yourself you whine. You can feel him smirking against your neck and when he softly calls you honey again, when he slips his hand down to grip your waist, when he presses his lips against your ear letting his warm breath hit you swear your knees are seconds from buckling beneath you.

"Bucky," you gasped. 

Nipping at your earlobe his fingers dance down your hip before ghosting up the insides of your thighs. Parting your legs you tilt your head back, your grip tightening on his shoulder as he continues to pant against your ear.

"You made me feel so fuckin' good, baby you gonna let me return the favor? Gonna let me taste you?"

His words render you speechless. Clawing at his shoulder you open and close your mouth searching for the right words. Coming up empty you tug on his hair guiding his lips back to yours in a searing kiss. You know he needs a verbal answer, but as his filthy words replay in your mind, as your underwear grows slicker with need, as he breaks the kiss to rest his forehead against yours all you're able to do is whine uselessly against him.

With heavy breaths and eyes closed shut, with fingers ghosting up thighs, caressing stomachs, dancing between the valley of breasts, with cooed _honeys_ , and _sweethearts_ and the promise of newfound pleasure to come all you're able to do is pant out the word _bed_. With an expertise that leaves your head spinning he steps out of his boxers kicking them to the side as he spins you around to guide you back to your bed. His hands never leave your body touching every inch of you he can, his lips never leaving yours. Clutching tight to his shoulders he whispers soft words of encouragement in between kisses telling you he's got you, that he's not going to let you fall and when the back of your knees hit your bed he holds you a little tighter, kisses you a little deeper.

Gnawing on your bottom lip you lay down gesturing for him to follow. Your eyes are wide with lust and awe as Bucky settles himself between your legs, his fingertips caressing your cheek. You long to have his confidence to lay bare with no shred of embarrassment. 

Even with your bra and underwear on, with his body covering most of you you still feel too exposed despite his having seen you naked before. His tanned skin glistens, his muscles begging to be caressed and kissed and though there's a fire burning in your veins, an uncomfortable throbbing between your legs that needs to be taken care of you think you'd be more than content to make him feel good again.

"You okay?" He asked and though his eyes are still as dark as the ocean on a moonless night you don't miss the flicker of concern that flashes through.

Now isn't the time to tell him about your insecurities, about your nervousness. Offering him what you hope is a sincere smile you kiss him. "Touch me?" You don't mean for your words to come out sounding like a question, but they do and though you expect Bucky to question you further he doesn't. His lips work against yours, his tongue coaxing yours out as his hand massages your breast gently at first before adding more pressure when he hears your little whimpers and moans. 

When he asks to take your bra off his voice is smooth like velvet, his touch as loving as the first time he did this. His eyes never leave yours and once the material is tossed carelessly to your floor his lips eagerly explore the newly exposed skin of your neck and your breasts. Sucking and kissing and nipping until your nipples are hardened nubs and you're left a sweating, whining mess capable of only crying out his name does he finally move on by showering your stomach with open mouthed kisses. His beard is rough against the smooth skin of your stomach, but the contrast feels so good and when he looks up at you through his lashes his plump lips curling up into a smile your heart races.

“Baby,” he murmured, voice low and oozing lust as he inches his way down the bed. He’s gentle when he parts your thighs, but that doesn’t stop your body from tensing, from your heart to race faster, from your face to heat up, from your thighs to slam shut. 

“Relax. This is supposed to feel good.” His voice is like velvet, soft and soothing and _comforting_. And when his fingers glide up your thighs coaxing you to relax, to open up to him, to let him take care of you you will your body to do as he says, but it’s so hard when your head is full of thoughts and doubts and worries. 

You want to tell him you _are_ relaxed. You want to tell him you’re just _nervous_ , but the only sound that escapes is that of a sigh when your thighs finally part and his fingers ghost a little higher. He’s so close to touching you where you need him, but as he spreads your thighs only to replace his fingers with his mouth you let out a strangled moan. 

His lips are warm, his beard rough, his tongue wet when he traces a pattern on the inside of your thigh. Your stomach is a flutter, your heart racing so fast you swear you’re going to pass out and you don’t know if you should slam your thighs shut and push him away or grab the back of his head and push him closer. It’s intense and overwhelming and all he’s done is kiss the inside of your _thighs._

“B-Bucky,” you whimpered and there’s so much more you want to say, but as his lips inch closer to your covered core your body tenses again at the unfamiliar sensation.

Wrapping his hand around your thigh he pushes your legs further apart before curling his fingers around the waistband of your underwear. “There ya go, honey. Told ya it’d feel good,” he mumbled, kissing his way down your other thigh.

And it _does_ feel good. But it’s also intense and overwhelming and as your eyes fly open when his teeth graze across your sensitive skin you push up on your elbows watching with wide eyes the way he’s fit so perfectly between your legs. 

“Bucky,” you tried again softer this time and something in your voice has him taking notice. A final kiss is pressed before he’s unwrapping his fingers from your underwear. Skimming his fingers along your side he crawls his way back up your body. His lips are reassuring against your heated skin and you feel so _stupid_ for having to stop this. “You don’t have to do that.” Avoiding his gaze you lay back down.

His hand slides up to your cheek tilting your face so you’re forced to look at him. “You don’t like it?” 

The gentleness in his voice makes you want to cry because you feel even _more_ stupid for not having been honest with him from the beginning.

“No... I mean...” Taking a deep breath you wish you didn’t have to look him in the eyes right now. “No ones ever... he wouldn’t... I’m just nervous,” you blurted, your words a jumbled mess. 

It’s tense and awkward and again you wish you could look away, but even without him holding your gaze steady you don’t think you’d be able to. His eyes stare so deeply into yours that for a moment you get lost in the darkness. Until you hear him laughing and that’s all it takes to break the tension.

“Baby,” he laughed. “Why didn’t you just say that?” 

“Stop laughing!” You yelled, your hand slapping his shoulder, but even as you do you can’t help giggling. Covering your face with your hands you groaned. “I don’t know! I just... earlier when you were talking and god it sounded _so good_ , Bucky and I mean I always wanted him to, but he wouldn’t and I don’t know.” 

His laughter fills your ears as he pulls your hands away and when he leans down to kiss first your forehead, then your cheeks, then the corner of your mouth before finally landing on your lips the laughter has died down enough to enjoy it.

“Do you want me to?”

There’s a seriousness in his voice that wasn’t there moments before and it sends shivers of want down your back.

“Yes,” you whispered softly.

Kissing you again he keeps his hand on your cheek, his thumb gently stroking your skin. “I’ll go slow,” he promised, his hand dropping from your cheek and gliding down your side. Curling his fingers around the waistband of your underwear he gives it a gentle tug. “If at anytime you change your mind or you wanna stop or something doesn’t feel good you gotta tell me.”

“Okay.” Arching your hips you give a nod of your head as he slowly slides your underwear down your legs tossing it to the floor.

His fingers stroke the insides of your thighs again and though you’re still nervous, still uncomfortable about being naked in front of him your thighs part on their own. And when he slips a finger past your wet folds in a teasing gesture as he collects your wetness you whine, your hips lifting up and begging for more.

“Meant what I said earlier, honey,” he murmured, his lips ghosting down your throat. 

Tossing your head back as his middle finger slips in you clutch at your bedsheets. His lips drag lower, down your sternum, down your chest, down your stomach, to your belly button. Ignoring where you’re desperate for his lips he spreads your thighs further apart his eyes watching your face.

“I only wanna make you feel good like you made me feel.” His voice is so low you swear you could cum from that only. 

Nodding your head you whine when he slips his finger out of you. Wrapping his hand around your thigh he spreads you just a little further as he presses a tentative kiss to your core. It’s strange and wonderful at the same time. Being so exposed is uncomfortable and you’re not sure you’ll ever get used to having him so close. Still fighting the urge to slam your thighs shut you whimper when he presses another kiss to your soaking heat.

“And I know you’re gonna taste so good, honey. So fuckin’ good. So relax and let me take care of you, yeah? Let me show you all the ways I can make you feel good.”

“O-okay.”

It’s the confirmation he needs and true to his word he does take things slow. His tongue is warm and wet as he licks a broad stripe up to your clit. It’s strange, but it’s a _good_ strange. Arching your back you gasp at the foreign feeling and you want to yell and scream and beg him to do it again, but your throat is so dry all you can do is tug on his hair. 

Slipping his tongue between your wet folds he smirks at the way you yell out his name, at the way your hips thrust up begging him for more. His pace is still slow allowing you plenty of time to adjust to the new sensations, but soon he’s eating you out like a man starved.

“ _Oh_... oh god, Bucky, Bucky!” You cried out. Everything was warm and wet and rough with his beard, but it felt _so_ good. “Please!” You weren’t sure what you were begging for you just knew you needed more.

Slipping his tongue from your folds he kissed your clit once before swirling his tongue around the sensitive bundle of nerves. “Told you you’d taste good, sweetheart,” he moaned. The vibrations of his words against your sensitive core has your hips thrusting up, has your back arching, has your hands tugging on his hair pressing his head further into you. 

“ _Bucky!_ ” With one hand on the back of his head your other hand fists your sheets as your head lolls from side to side. You’ve never felt anything so overwhelming or pleasurable before and when he slips his middle finger back into your wet folds and flicks his tongue against your clit you can feel the pressure building in the pit of your stomach. 

“Please, I-I.” Again, words fail you, but again he’s right there adding a second finger, curling them inside of you _just so_ as his lips wrap around your clit to give a hard suck.

“I’m so close,” you said, trying to warn him, but to your ears all you hear are the obscene moans spilling from your lips and the squelching of his fingers moving so perfectly inside of you. You think you hear him murmur an _I know_. Think you hear him telling you to let go, telling you that he’s got you, but everything is a haze when his tongue circles your clit, when his fingers find that _one spot._

Your back arches, a string of moans and gasps and his name spill from your lips, your hands tug so hard on his hair and as the coil in your abdomen snaps you swear to god you’ve never had such an intense orgasm. It’s pleasure that shoots like a star from your head to your toes. It leaves your body weak, nothing more than a limp piece of muscles and bones as you flop back down to your bed. Sweat coats your forehead and rolls down your back. You swear you forget how to breath normally. Swear your heart is about to burst right out of your chest. 

But through it all holding you steady like a life preserver is Bucky. He’s there to help you ride out your orgasm, there to kiss your clit before the sensitivity is too much and you’re pushing his head away. And he’s there kissing his way up your stomach, up your chest, up your throat, up to your lips. His beard is coated in your release and the sight makes you whine partly from embarrassment partly from sheer arousal. And he’s there when you kiss him so deeply you swear it’ll suffocate both of you. He’s there telling you what a good job you did, there telling you that he told you it would feel good, there telling you he’ll always take care of you.

And when you slowly begin to climb down from your high, when your breathing starts to return to normal, when your brain is able to catch up with everything that took place, when the feeling of being so overwhelmed washes over you that you aren’t sure if you want to cry or run he’s there helping you slide beneath your sheets, pulling you close to him as he rolls on his back and tucks you into his side. He’s there when you bury your head in his neck clinging to him, there as he rubs your back in a way that always calms you down and centers you. He’s there whispering loving words against your sweaty hair reminding you that you’re okay and that he’s got you.

“Bucky,” you whispered, your voice cracking on the two syllables in his name. “That was... _god_.” 

You know that it’s ridiculous to feel so shy after what just took place, but you can’t help it. Much like your first time you weren’t expecting it to be so emotional nor were you expecting to feel so vulnerable afterwards. Biting your lip you lift your head from his neck glancing up at him. His gaze is full of lightness and longing and as you search his eyes and feel his hand on the bare skin of your back you reach out to run your fingers over his beard still sticky from your release.

“Yeah? So good I left you speechless,” he teased laughing. 

His hand slides from your back up to your neck, his grip firm, yet light enough not to hurt you holding you in place when try to duck your head from embarrassment. His gaze shifts between you and your swollen lips, his fingers curling in your hair guiding your mouth to his. The kiss is slow and sensual.

Deepening the kiss you both moan, your fingers dropping from his beard as you explore his naked chest with light strokes. Your bed sheets are resting low on his hips exposing his sculpted abs. Your fingernails scratch at his chest when his teeth nip at your lip and when he presses a teasing kiss to the corner of your mouth you arch into his touch. 

“So good just like I told you it would be.”

Kissing his way across your cheek, down your jaw your nails dig further into his chest and when he hisses you loosen your hold. His words run through your mind like a broken record each run through causing your stomach to flutter and your heart to race as you press yourself closer to him.

“So good you didn’t even run from me.” 

“I didn’t run from you last time,” you mumbled, unintentionally pulling the sheet tighter around yourself. 

The last time you guys had hooked up he had spent what felt like hours taking you apart piece by piece. Taking you from behind the position had allowed him to push deeper into you, but you had missed his kisses. He more than made up for it by spending his time kissing the back of your neck, down your spine, every inch of your back as his fingers toyed with your clit. 

And when he wrapped his hand around your stomach pulling you up so your back was flush against his chest he had focused his attention on your neck lavishing your sweaty skin with nips and kisses before groaning low in your ear praising how good you felt around him. Reminding you he only wanted to make you feel good. His words, his thrusts hitting new spots so deep inside of you, his fingers, his mouth it hadn’t taken you long to fall over the edge his release following moments after. 

And while it was _technically_ true that you hadn’t run from him after he pulled out you _had_ quickly gathered your clothes and gotten cleaned up and dressed in the bathroom before returning to him lounging lazily on his bed with boxers on. 

Frowning he kisses the side of your head not missing the way clutch the sheet tighter to your chest or the way you drop your gaze. “Y/N.” Slipping his hand down your back he rubs circles over your still warm skin. “You’ve got no reason to hide from me, sweetheart. You’re so beautiful. So fuckin’ beautiful.” 

You can hear the sincerity in his words and you want to believe him _so_ bad, but you don’t.

“Buc-.”

“Why do you never believe me when I tell you that?” He sighed.

The hurt that laced his words had your heart seizing up. Unable to look at him for fear of seeing the pain written across his face you shrugged your shoulders resting your head on his chest. 

“Because you’re my best friend, Bucky,” you mumbled. “You’re supposed to tell me that.” 

Swallowing the lump in your throat you listened to the way his heart picked up speed and for a moment you thought about lifting your head to see his face, but you weren’t brave enough to do so fearful of seeing pain written across his features.

“You think that’s the only reason I tell you that?” 

“I mean... yeah. Or because... you know we’re about to have sex and it’s just something people say. It’s not like they really mean it.”

His fingers still on your back and you’re not sure what’s more surprising the way he abruptly sits up forcing you off his chest or the steely gaze reflected in his eyes. Running a hand through his hair messing it up further you sit up trying to understand how the day took such a wrong turn.

“I just...,” you started before he cuts you off and the anger in his tone has you flinching.

“I don’t tell you you’re beautiful because we’re best friends or because we’re about to have sex, Y/N. Jesus you really think so little of me? Fuck. I know your ex was an asshole, but look at me. I’m nothing like him and I’m not gonna tell you that just to get laid.”

Shaking your head you blink back your tears. Anger and frustration flow through your veins at the fact that he _doesn’t get it._

“Not everything has to do with my ex,” you spat out. “And _no_ I don’t think so little of you, Bucky how can you even ask me that?” 

“What do you expect me to think? Every time I tell you that you either argue or run from me.”

Swiping at the angry tears that spill down your cheeks you scoot back when he tries to reach a hand out to you. Hurt flashes through his eyes, but you miss it as you keep your gaze locked on your lap.

“Maybe I argue with you because it’s not true. Or maybe it’s because the one time someone’s called me beautiful and I was dumb enough to believe them I got humiliated and I’m not ready for that again. Is that enough of a reason for you or do you need more?”

The silence that greets you is jarring. You want to apologize, want to get dressed, want to lay back down on his chest and have him hold you and forget about this whole fight.

“Can we just drop this. _Please_?”

“No.”

It’s only one word, but there’s so much weight behind it. Still refusing to look at him you can feel the bed shift beneath you as he inches forward. Tentatively he reaches for your hand and when you don’t pull away he interlaces your fingers.

“What happened?” His voice is so soft and you don’t know if you want to push him away or collapse into his arms. “Honey, _talk to me._ ” 

Shaking your head you let out a shaky breath. 

“It’s stupid,” you mumbled, your voice cracking. That’s all it takes for Bucky to reach over and wrap his arms around you pulling you closer. Leaning your head against his shoulder he kisses your forehead, the pad of his thumb wiping away your tears as he gently rocks you back and forth.

“Do you remember that summer you went upstate for like a month to visit your grandma when we were teenagers?”

“Yeah I got yelled at all the time for falling asleep with you on the phone,” he replied smirking before adding. “It was worth it though.”

It’s not much, but his words bring a small smile to your lips. “And... you remember that guy Brian? He was in your grade?”

“Yeah,” he said, his tone weary as if he knew where this story was going.

“That summer he was always seemed to be around and I thought he was nice you know? I mean... I know now that I should have known better, but I’m not like you, Bucky. I don’t have guys falling all over me every time I walk into a room. I don’t... god I don’t have a lot of experience when it comes to relationships and love and... It started simple enough we’d talk and he was funny and he used to tell me I was pretty and I was dumb and I believed him.”

“One day he asked me out and... I was so excited you know? I thought it was going to be my first solo date. I spent _hours_ picking out the perfect outfit and struggling with my hair and my makeup and god Bucky I was so happy.”

Closing your eyes you sucked in a deep breath struggling with the onslaught of emotions and memories that hit you.

“And we were supposed to meet at this diner. And... I got there right on time and he wasn’t there and I didn’t think anything of it you know? So I waited and I waited and...”

“Sweetheart you don’t have to finish this,” Bucky murmured, his lips pressing against your forehead.

Ignoring him you shook your head. “I was so stupid I waited three hours for him before I _finally_ got the nerve up to call him and ask him where he was. I just... I still thought maybe I had the wrong restaurant or the wrong time and he answered... and there was all this laughter on the other end and he told me that he wasn’t coming that he was never going to come. He had made a bet with his friends on who could get the most girls to agree to go out with them and... I was dumb enough to fall for it because some guy called me beautiful and I was so desperate and..”

“You’re not dumb, Y/N,” he chastised. “He was an asshole and what he did to you ‘m gonna fuckin’ kick his ass.”

It was wrong, but his words brought a smile to your face. 

“It’s a little late for that it happened so long ago and I _know_ that it’s dumb to still be upset over that, but it hurt and it still hurts and I... between that and everything that happened with my last relationship I... I just have a hard time believing that _anybody_ would ever think I’m beautiful when all I ever see when I look in the mirror is this pathetic person who stays in relationships that are unhealthy and falls for guys lies when they say I’m beautiful.”

Exhausted you lean into Bucky’s warm embrace. It had been years since you had last told anybody about what had happened and though part of you felt like a weight had been lifted from your shoulders another part of you was worried about how he was going to see you. It was a stupid thought you knew nothing could make him think any less of you.

“You _are_ beautiful, Y/N, baby I’ve been telling you that since we were teenagers,” he whispered, grasping your chin and tilting your face to look at him. His baby blue eyes were cloudy with hurt and anger. “What those assholes did to you is inexcusable and you never should have had to deal with that. But sweetheart, ‘m not lying when I tell you you’re beautiful and if I have to I’ll keep telling you everyday until you believe me. I’ll keep telling you until the only memory you have of that word is me. You know me you know that I would never hurt you and I would _never_ lie about that, okay?”

His lips barely touched yours as he lets go of your chin, his fingers brushed over your cheek before he laid down bringing you with him. Wrapping his arm tightly around your shoulder he pulled you close. Secure in his arms your eyes drifted shut and it wasn’t long before you were sleep over took you. 

“I love you, Y/N,” he whispered softly once he was sure you couldn’t hear him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry.

For a Friday night the bar was surprisingly deserted. A few patrons sat up front nursing drinks their eyes glued to the large screen TVs that were mounted above the bar playing some sports game. Outdated music drifted from the speakers mixing with the sounds of clinking glasses and laughter. The lights were dimmed adding to what you assumed was meant to be a cozy ambiance, but just made the place look dingy. 

This wasn’t your usual hangout and as your eyes swept over the dark wood paneling that lined the walls you could understand why you had never come here before. The one bright spot of the night so far had been the drinks. And Bucky of course.

Glancing up from your drink you watched the way his eyes crinkled, the way he tossed his head back laughing at something Steve had said. Even in the dimness his eyes were bright reminding you of home.

After opening up to him about your insecurities and the painful parts of your past your bond with him only deepened and not just sexually. It was still hard for you to be comfortable around him bare, but he did everything he could to help you relax from kissing every inch of your skin to reminding you every minute he was with you how beautiful you were.

During your last movie night which had taken place at your apartment you had once again fallen asleep during his movie pick only stirring when he lifted you from the couch to carry you to your bedroom. Clinging to him like a life preserver you had sleepily asked him to spend the night with you when he placed you on your bed. 

The next morning the two of you had made breakfast maneuvering around your small kitchen with a practiced ease it was fingers brushing every couple of seconds, kisses stolen, laughter filling the space, acting more like newlyweds than best friends.

And when Natasha had slipped into your apartment unnoticed by either of you leaning against the doorframe watching with an arched eyebrow, an unreadable expression on her face she had only shook her head waiting until Bucky left before talking to you. 

Her tone had been cool, her words making your body freeze as she warned you again to be careful. You had rolled your eyes telling her you were, but the look she shot you had silenced you. Her eyes narrowed making you nervous and when she rested her hand on your shoulder she softened her voice telling you what she had witnessed in the kitchen was not two friends, but something more. Shrugging both her hand and her words off you had assured her again that you guys were just friends with benefits. But as the day had progressed her words had nagged at you. 

You were enjoying the arrangement. _A lot._ And you knew Bucky was too, but you also knew that sooner or later things were going to change. Eventually one of you was going to find someone and with your track record of guys you figured it was only a matter of time until he found a girlfriend. The thought had left you with mixed emotions. You wanted him to be happy, but at the same time you weren’t ready to give up this arrangement. You had made a mental note to talk to him, to figure this out before things got messy, but then he had invited you to the farmers market where he had stocked up on fresh vegetables and fruits and had cooked you dinner. Afterwards you two had ended up in his bed eating ice cream, talking all night, kissing lazily until you had both fallen asleep and just like that the mental note to talk to him had been erased.

“Still with us, sweetheart?” Bucky asked, his voice pulling you from your thoughts and bringing you back to the dingy bar, back to your blue eyed friends.

“Depends,” you teased, finishing your drink. “Are you guys done talking about sports?”

“Were we boring you?”

“You two? Always.”

An electric current settled itself over the table as your eyes locked on Bucky’s. Being around him, joking with him like this made it easy to forget about your surroundings. The clinking glasses, the laughter, the bad music, even Steve sitting across from you fade to the background and it’s only you and Bucky. Leaning forward his fingers idly inch across the tabletop to brush against yours. The contact however brief sends your heart fluttering and heat to flood your cheeks.

It’s not until Steve clears his throat that Bucky leans back in his chair, that you pull your hands into your lap and avert your eyes. 

“Um how about I go and get us another round and you guys can finish your boring sports talk,” you offered. Without giving either of them a chance to object you slip from your chair shooting Steve an apologetic look before heading towards the bar. Throwing a glance over your shoulder you’re surprised to see Bucky’s intense gaze following you, even more surprised to find yourself unable to wipe the growing smile from your face.

  
“You have to tell her, Buck,” Steve sighed.

Ignoring him Bucky kept his eyes on you watching the way you rested your elbows on the bar, your hand lifted in an attempt to get the bartenders attention. Even in the dimness he could make you out in the distance. Running a hand through his hair he tore his gaze away to look at Steve.

“I will,” he grumbled. 

Frowning Steve shook his head. “Natasha called me,” he started. “She’s worried about you and Y/N getting hurt. I am too.”

“‘M gonna tell her,” Bucky said again, his voice laced with annoyance. 

An unease fell over the table. Bucky knew Steve was right, knew that he had to tell you how he felt about you, but there never seemed to be a right time. Going from friends with benefits to something more was a big deal to him and when he told you how he felt he wanted the moment to be perfect. It was what you deserved. After having you open up to him not only about your ex, but about the asshole who had stood you up he knew he had to take this slow. The last thing he wanted was for you to run from him.

“There hasn’t been a good time,” he mumbled. 

“I’ve never seen you scared to tell someone how you feel.”

“She’s not just someone, Steve. It’s _Y/N._ It’s different this time. _She’s_ different.” 

The thought of you had his lips curling up into the sweetest of smiles. Turning his attention away from Steve back to the bar the smile fell from his face to be replaced with narrowed eyes and an unmistakable fury flowing through his veins. 

Expecting you to be alone at the bar as you ordered another round he _had not_ been expecting some asshole of a guy leaning on the bar talking to you. And when he saw the way your shoulders were relaxed, saw the way this stranger had the _audacity_ to place his hand on your arm Bucky saw red. All rational thoughts slipped from his mind.

“Buck, don’t,” Steve urged, but his words were useless.

Pushing his chair back he ignored the way it rattled against the table making the glasses wobble as he stalked his way through the bar to your side.

Stiffening when you felt an arm slip around your waist you let out a breath when you realized it was only Bucky. His grip was possessive and as you tried to slip out you frowned when he pulled you closer. You had never seen him act like this. Gritting your teeth in annoyance you shot him a warning glance, but he wasn’t looking at you his gaze only focused on the guy who had chatted you up.

“Was gettin’ worried about, honey.”

The nickname which usually made your knees weak and your heart race only further annoyed you. You didn’t understand why he was acting like this. 

"You didn't tell me you had a boyfriend," Michael, the handsome stranger said. His dark brown eyes looked even darker as he lifted his elbow off the bar standing to his full height. A couple inches shorter than Bucky you wanted the floor to swallow you whole when Bucky also stood to his full height. 

"I don't," you said at the same time that Bucky said you did.

Your eyes flashed with anger and when Michael snatched his hand from your arm and took a step backwards your face burned with embarrassment and shame. 

"Bucky!" You hissed, but your words did little good the damage had already been done.

Muttering a whatever under his breath Michael left leaving you alone with Bucky the last place you wanted to be right now. You had never felt this way before. Fighting with him was rare and on the few occasions that you had fought in the past you had never felt the urge to run, the urge to make a scene, the urge to scream at him. Angry tears pooled in your eyes. Blinking them back you reached for yours and Steve's drinks. Your hands shook, your heart raced, your legs felt shaky as you pushed past Bucky in a cloud of disappointment and stalked back to your table. Slamming the drinks down you watched the alcohol slosh over the side of the glasses.

"You okay?" Steve asked. His blue eyes were cloudy, his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose as if he knew what was coming next and was preparing for it.

" _No._ "

"I told him not to."

"I know."

Biting your tongue you wanted to tell Steve that he could have done more to stop him, _should_ have done more, but your anger wasn't directed at him. Tensing at the sound of Bucky's boots clomping on the floor you flinched when he lightly touched your elbow. 

" _Don't,_ " you hissed. Whirling around your eyes were alight with fire and though you had a brief second of satisfaction when his cheeks turned deep pink it wasn't nearly enough to calm you down. "What the hell was that, James?" 

His mouth opened and closed like a fish when he heard his first name. Rolling his shoulders back he took a step towards you. 

"Y/N," he tried. "He had his hands all over you! What was I supposed to do? Sit here and do nothing?"

"Buck," Steve warned, but each of you ignored him. Like earlier when you had been joking with Bucky, when his fingers had brushed against yours, when you had turned around to see him watching you everything around you faded away until it was just the two of you. But unlike earlier when your heart had felt full with a lightness at spending time with your best friends now your heart felt full with the heaviness of Bucky's actions.

Crossing your arms over your chest you struggled to choose your words carefully. The last thing you wanted to do was say something you'd regret or cause a scene, but he had already caused a scene earlier so what did it matter? It wasn't as if you'd be returning here.

"Excuse me?" You said a humorless laugh spilling from your alcohol stained lips. "He had his hand on my _arm!_ That's hardly all over me! And yes, _James_ that's exactly what you should have done sit here with Steve. I'm not a child who needs protecting. If I needed help don't you think I would have asked for it? We were talking not that it's any of your fucking business and for you to just walk up and lie to him and tell him I had a boyfriend is inexcusable. Who gave you the right to do that? _Answer me!_ "

Your breathing was ragged as you stared up at Bucky. Swiping at your eyes when a few tears leaked down your heated cheeks you tore your gaze away. With a shaky hand you reached down grabbing your drink and taking a large sip. Out of the corner of your eye you could see him frowning, see him opening and closing his mouth again and you knew he was on the verge of telling you to slow down, but you were so tired of everybody giving you unsolicited advice. Tired of everyone telling you what you should do, of what was best for you.

"You don't even know him!" He yelled. Taking a deep breath he closed his eyes before opening them slowly. Softening his voice he tried again. "Y/N, you can't let guys randomly come up and touch you like that. I know you think he was nice, but jesus guys in bars only want one thing. You really wanna get your heart broken again when he stands you up or dumps you cause you won't sleep with him?"

"Bucky!" Steve snapped.

The glass in your hand slipped between your shaking fingers landing on the floor with a crash. Glass littered the ground by your feet, but it was the least of your concerns. Your heart was in your throat, each word he had so cruelly flung in your face feeling like an open handed slap across your cheek. In fact you were convinced had he slapped you it would have hurt less. Hell, having him stab you in the chest would have hurt less than hearing him speak those words to you. Tears streamed down your face and for the first time in your life you didn't recognize the person standing in front of you. 

You could see the regret on Bucky's face play out like a movie. Could see the way his blue eyes widened with shock, the way his lips turned down into a frown, the way his hand shook as he reached out for you, but it was useless. There was nothing he could do or say that would change what he had said, nothing that could ease the stinging pain as his words replayed over and over in your mind. There was no way either of you could come back for this.

Letting the tears stream down your face you were vaguely aware of the scraping chair as Steve got up to stand between you two like a referee. 

"Fuck you, James," you whispered, your voice eerily calm. Stepping around Steve you placed your hands on Bucky's chest shoving him, but like a brick wall he didn't move. "You _knew_ how vulnerable I was when I told you that. You _knew_ how hard it was for me to open up to you and for you to throw that back in my face because you can't handle somebody talking to me?" 

Shoving at his chest again and again you only stopped when you felt Steve's large hands gripping your shoulders and turning you around. 

" _I'm sorry_ ," Bucky choked out.

Tears burned your eyes blurring your vision as you fled the bar. The air was damp, rain drizzling from the darkened sky that matched your mood. The sidewalk glistened and glittered when the headlights from taxis swept over it. Shivering from the coolness you took a few shaky steps before leaning back against the brick of the building. The cold seeped right through your thin tee shirt and as you wrapped your arms around yourself you wished you had grabbed your sweater and purse before fleeing.

Cars honked around you, people chatting and laughing as they passed by, the city was alive and well. You only wished you could have said the same about yourself.

"Y/N."

Flinching when you heard his voice you clenched your eyes shut willing him to go away.

"I'm sorry," he said, his voice thick with emotion.

Opening your eyes you were surprised to see him standing so close you could smell the beer on his breath, smell his shampoo, his cologne. It made your heart ache. They were the scents that lingered on his sheets, on his pillowcases, on _you_ after a night spent with him and it hurt. It hurt so fucking much.

"Which part are you sorry for exactly? The part where you humiliated me or the part where you threw the most painful moments of my life back in my face like it was nothing?" You asked, choking on a sob.

Slipping his sweatshirt off he handed it to you. Staring at it with disdain you shook your head.

"Y/N."

" _Don't._ I'd rather freeze." It was dramatic, but as the words left your mouth you realized it was true. 

Clutching the sweatshirt in his hands he frowned. "'M sorry about all of it," he said, with a heavy sigh. "Seeing you with that guy with his hands on you... It made me see red."

"Yeah because the idea that a guy might _actually_ like me is so infuriating, right?" Chewing on your lip you stared down at the wet pavement watching as the raindrops fell. 

"Do you how many times I've watched girls flirt with you, Bucky? How many times I've seen you with your girlfriends with your arm around their waist? Or holding their hand? And do you know many times I interrupted that? _Never._ You know why? Because you're my best friend and the only thing I've ever wanted was for you to be happy. I-I know that I don't have a lot of experience and I'm not naive enough to think... to think that he was even remotely interested in more than sex, but god Bucky what is your issue? It's like... like you can't stand to see me with any guy and if you really were my best friend you'd support me!"

Choking on your sobs you wrapped your arms around yourself trying to stop your shivering body. Holding his sweatshirt out to you again you turned your head to the side unable to look at either his pathetic peace offering or his face. 

"It's because I love you!" he yelled after a few tense moments of silence his words forcing you to finally meet his gaze. " _I'm in love with you, Y/N._ "

It was too much. His words, the alcohol, the fight, the cold. Even as his words replayed over and over in your mind you swore you had misheard him. He was your best friend and yeah you guys had once or twice before said I love you, but it had always been platonic. Saying I'm in love with you was deeper. More meaningful and as you stood there gaping at him with your mouth open and your eyes wide your breathing shaky and your heart thundering under your chest you reached a hand out to steady yourself. Like you'd come to expect he was right there grabbing hold of your hand holding you up to steady you. Shaking free of his touch you took a step away from him your brain unable to comprehend his words.

The silence stretched on each second feeling like an eternity. 

"Bucky," you breathed. "Y-you don't. We've been drinking and... and you're only saying that because you saw me with that guy an-"

"Damn it," he snapped. 

Stepping forward until his chest was pressed against yours he lifted his hands up cupping your cold cheeks. His eyes looked down searching yours so intently you swore your heart skipped a beat. 

"I'm in love with you," he repeated slowly, enunciating each word before slamming his lips against yours.

The kiss was slow and passionate and you swore if his body wasn't pressed so close to yours you'd fall. An unintentional moan slipped from your mouth only to be captured by him when he deepened the kiss. When he finally pulled away to rest his forehead against yours both of you struggled to catch your breath. 

"I love you," he mumbled, leaning down for another kiss. Turning your head to the side at the last second he caught the corner of your mouth instead.

"You don't though," you choked out through another round of tears.

"Stop saying that," he growled. "Fuck, Y/N, I know you've been hurt in the past and I know I fucked up tonight, but 'm tellin' you the truth and I know you feel the same way." Gripping your chin he forced you to look at him. The emotion in his eyes held you captive and you wanted so desperately to believe him, but you still couldn't. Even after everything you guys had been through you couldn't. You watched as the realization dawned on him. Slowly dropping his grip from your chin he took a step back, his eyes growing hard.

"Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel the same way."

His voice was cold, his body stiff as he stared you down.

Lowering your gaze you shook your head.

"We're friends with benefits," you mumbled, struggling to get the words out. "We agreed to that."

His boots were heavy as they hit the wet pavement and by the time you were brave enough to glance up you were able to catch a quick glimpse of his retreating back. The realization that he had left you alone had your knees buckling beneath you as you collapsed to the wet ground. For the first time in your life when you fell he wasn't there to catch you.

A second pair of boots hit the cement and for a second your heart sped up thinking he had come back, but when you saw the blonde hair, the sympathetic eyes, the frown etched on his face as he crouched down next to you slipping his jacket over your shivering shoulders you let out a pathetic sob.

"Steve," you cried. "He just... I... Everything is a mess and I-I don't-" Pulling his jacket tighter around your shoulders you pulled your knees up to your chest. In the back of your mind you knew you should get up from the wet ground, but your body wouldn't comply.

"It's okay," he murmured, but you both knew it wasn't.

Leaning your head on his shoulder he pulled you closer as you sobbed into his shirt. Each time you thought you were done crying another flash of your fight would enter your mind and giant ugly sobs would wrack your body forcing Steve to pull you closer.

"You guys will work through this Y/N," he said when your tears finally began to subside.

Shaking your head you sniffled. "I don't think we will this time. You didn't hear our fight." Lifting your head up you watched as a light pink colored his cheeks and the realization that he had heard every ugly word you guys had hurled at each other. "You... you should go after him. Make sure he's okay."

Standing up he extended his hand which you reluctantly took. Pulling you up to your feet you wiped at your eyes before shrugging his jacket off, but before you could hand it to him he was placing it firmly back on your shoulders.

"We both know he'd want me here with you."

Any other time the words would have been reassuring, but after what took place tonight all they did was make your shoulders crumble and the tears fall faster down your face.

"Let's get you home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	10. Chapter 10

Three weeks. That’s how long it had been since you had seen or had an actual conversation with Bucky. Every time you closed your eyes you pictured him walking away from you as you helplessly slid down the brick wall of the bar. Pictured him standing there throwing your painful moments back into your face like it was nothing. Pictured him yelling at you on that drizzling night that he loved you. That he was _in love_ with you. 

Time was supposed to heal all wounds. 

_Bullshit._

Three weeks had gone by in the blink of an eye and all you felt was a deeper ache in your chest each time you thought of him, each time you saw alcohol, each time you saw the sky darken to shower the city with rain. If you were being honest everything reminded you of him. Your couch where you had first made out. Your bed where you had spent so much time curled up in his arms having sleepovers. Your phone which had once held a lock screen picture of the two of you during happier times. Even seeing Natasha reminded you of him. 

It didn’t help that each day she urged you to call him, to _talk_ to him, but you couldn’t. 

He had tried coming over a few times, but you had always made Nat send him away. That didn’t stop him from calling you, leaving you voicemails to talk to him that broke your heart each time you heard his voice crack or from him texting you. 

When you couldn’t stand it anymore you had finally gotten the courage up to call him one night when you knew he’d be busy leaving him a voicemail that simply said you were fine and you didn’t think being friends with benefits was a good idea anymore. That hadn’t stopped him from trying to get in contact with you though. 

Where once your days had been filled with constant texts of inside jokes and memes, phone calls that lasted throughout the night, ritual movie nights that ended in sleepovers your days now consisted of you going to work and coming home. Your nights consisted of staying in your pajamas locked away in your room. 

Natasha kept her mouth shut not reminding you that she told you so, that she had warned you about getting hurt, but every time you saw her you could read it in her sympathetic eyes. Could hear it in her voice when she talked to both Steve and Bucky on the phone at night when she thought you were asleep.

Rolling onto your side you stared at your bedroom wall mindlessly. Part of you knew that after three weeks you should be getting your shit together, but you _couldn’t._

“Get up,” Natasha commanded and not even the use of her scary voice could make you roll over to face her.

“Go away,” you mumbled.

Ignoring you she moved to the edge of your bed sitting down. “Y/N,” she sighed. “I know you’re hurting, but locking yourself in your room isn’t doing you any good. Go take a shower and get dressed we’re going out.” Her tone left no room for argument.

  
“ _No,_ ” you hissed, attempting to keep your voice low. “Absolutely not. You said we were going out _not_ that we were going to Steve’s place.” Crossing your arms over your chest you peered over Natasha’s shoulder wondering if you ran now how far you could get before she caught you.

An exasperated sigh slipped through her lips as she lifted her hand up to knock on Steve’s door.

“Relax, Y/N. Bucky’s not here. Do you really think I’d drag you here and force you to talk to him?”

 _Yes_ you wanted to tell her, but the door swung open revealing Steve on the other side. 

“He’s not here is he?” You blurted out, heat flooding your cheeks when you saw him exchange a look with Natasha. You were being paranoid, you had no reason to doubt her.

“No,” Steve said, stepping aside to allow you both in.

Glancing around his place you followed them into the kitchen shaking your head when he offered you a drink. Chewing on your lower lip your attention swung between Natasha who was leaning against the counter inspecting her nails and Steve who was standing to his full height and avoiding your gaze. Your heart rate spiked the longer each of them stayed silent. The palms of your hands grew sweaty. 

“Uh so what’s the plan for tonight?” You asked, only to be met with silence again. “Either one of you wanna tell me what’s going on?”

“Y/N?”

Freezing at the sound of the voice that filled your dreams and your nightmares you clenched your eyes willing to keep your tears hidden.

“You lied to me,” you whispered, your voice shaking. “I expected this from her, Steve, but not from you.” 

Trapped between the kitchen and Bucky you were stuck. You should have been used to the feeling by now, but you weren’t. Feeling like a caged animal you weighed your options, each of them worse than the last. Staying in Steve’s apartment wasn’t an option, but to leave you’d have to pass Bucky which _also_ wasn’t an option. Glaring between Steve who was giving you sympathetic eyes and Nat who wouldn’t meet your gaze you flinched when you heard Bucky clearing his throat behind you.

“They didn’t say you were going to be here,” he said softly and even without turning around you could picture the sheepish look on his face, picture him running his hand through his hair nervously and in that moment you _hated_ how well you knew him. 

“I’m not. I’m leaving.” With downcast eyes and a frown on your face you stepped around Bucky blinking back the tears when you caught a hint of his cologne. Your heart seized up and you wanted nothing more than to look at him, to wrap your arms around his shoulders and bury your head in his neck. But the thought of being near him right now made your mind fill with the memories of _that night._

Your hands were slippery from sweat as you struggled to twist the doorknob. Feeling Bucky’s eyes on your back you choked on a sob, your shoulders shaking as you finally managed to open the door. You didn’t make it more than five steps into the hallway before you felt his hand on your elbow. 

“I really didn’t know you were coming,” he said softly, stepping in front of you and blocking your exit. 

His hand was still on your elbow, his voice still able to make your knees grow weak. Swallowing down the lump in your throat you bravely lifted your eyes to his. It wasn’t fair. Three weeks of not seeing him and he still looked good even with dark circles lining in his eyes, even with hair that was growing longer, shaggier. He needed a haircut, needed some sleep, but he still looked _beautiful_ and you hated him for it especially when you looked like a mess with your uncombed hair, your puffy eyes, the ratty sweatshirt you had thrown on in haste.

There were so many things you wanted to say to him, so many conversations you had started in your mind, but standing in front of him all of that disappeared and you were suddenly at a loss for words.

Clearing his throat he gently squeezed your elbow, but still didn't let go. "How have you been?"

Three weeks of not seeing him and that was his first question? Had the circumstances been different you might have found it funny, but right now it was just _depressing._ Shaking his hand off your elbow you took a step to the side groaning when he followed you.

"Seriously?"

" _Talk to me,_ " he begged, his voice cracking with emotion. That was all it took for the tears you had been trying to hold back to come rolling down your cheeks. And when he stepped forward wrapping his arms around your shoulder pulling you closer you didn't have the strength to fight him off. Burying your head in his chest you let the tears fall freely as he rubbed your back. "'M not leaving until you talk to me, Y/N. _Please_."

Aside from his voice and the ugly sobs wracking your body the hallway was silent. No blaring televisions drifting through thin walls like at Bucky’s place. Nobody coming and going, no rattling keys, shouts of joy, hushed conversations. It was only you and Bucky in an empty hallway struggling with the realities of your fractured friendship. 

You wondered if Steve and Natasha were listening to your disaster of a conversation. The thought had your body stiffening.

Wiping your eyes you stepped out of his arms. "How long?"

"What?"

"How long have you been in love with me?"

"Since I was nineteen."

"Since... you were nineteen," you repeated slowly. Taking a step away from him you weren't sure if you were relieved or disappointed when he didn't follow you. Your head was dizzy with floods of memories. Every time he had held you when you cried, every laugh you had shared from too many late nights and too much caffeine, every inside joke, every time you had reached for his hand during walks on slippery sidewalks, during the scary rides at Coney Island, during nights when you couldn't sleep. Every shared straw, every hug, every cuddle session and he had been in love with you during all it.

"If you've been in love with me since you were nineteen why the hell did you wait until that night to tell me?" You asked, your voice calm, though under the surface you felt anything but. "Why didn't you tell me when you were nineteen? Or when we were both single? Or when I asked you to sleep with me? Or before we slept together! You had so many chances to tell me, Bucky and you chose to tell me because you couldn't handle some guy talking to me? Do you understand why I don't believe you?"

"You think that was how I wanted to tell you?" He shot back, taking a tentative step in your direction before pausing when he saw you shake your head and move further away from him. "I should have told you sooner, but, fuck, there was never a good time. You think this is easy for me? You're not the only one who's scared and hurting, Y/N!" 

"I am _not_ scared," you snapped, glaring at him.

"Yes, you are," he shot back.

He was right, you both knew it and it _pissed_ you off. At times it was a blessing the way he could so easily read you, but right now, right now it was a curse.

"No. I'm. Not," you seethed, emphasizing each word. "You want to know what I am? I'm miserable, Bucky! You're my best friend and I miss you. I miss you so fucking much, but I don't know how to talk to you when all I can picture is you walking away from me and lying to me," you sobbed.

"Honey," he choked out.

"Don't," you whispered. "I-I just need time, Bucky."

Turning your back and walking away from him was the hardest thing you had ever done in your life. And the cruelest. Walking to the elevator, tears streaming down your face, your body shaking with each ragged breath you wanted to turn around, to see him one last time, but you meant what you said, you needed time. He was the first guy to ever tell you he loved you and while it should have filled your stomach with butterflies, should have been a moment to remember, to look back on fondly it was tainted with jealously and misunderstanding. 

"How long are you going to ignore him?" Steve asked gently. 

Tugging the blanket tighter around your lap you shrugged your shoulders. A week had passed since your fight with Bucky. Seven long days of wanting to pick up the phone and call him, of wanting to stop over at his apartment, but you couldn't. Not after finding out he had been lying to you for years about his feelings.

"It's not that easy."

"It is. You're just being stubborn," Natasha chided, plopping down on the couch next to you.

Glaring at her you shook your head willing your tears not to fall. "How am I being stubborn? He _lied_ to me."

Clearing his throat Steve shifted on the couch turning his body so he was facing you. His face was serious, his blue eyes flicking to Natasha who gave a subtle nod of her head. "He didn't lie to you, Y/N," he started. "He really has been in love with you for years."

Speechless you shook your head. "But then... I mean...." Stumbling over your words you clenched your eyes shut the new information making your head spin.

"Everybody knew," Natasha added. "Except you."

"Not helpful." 

The realization that he really _was_ in love with you filled you with a myriad of emotions. Memories flitted through your mind in quick flashes. Bucky holding your hair back after you got food poisoning, showing up at your mom's apartment with a basket of your favorite chocolates and movies, the softest kleenex and your favorite sweatshirt of his after your first breakup, holding you through the night and letting you rant. Always answering the phone when you called even if it was late at night and he was tired, saving you a piece of your favorite dessert, sitting through countless romance movies when he'd rather be watching anything else because he knew how much you loved them. Bucky Barnes was in love with you.

You knew that you owed him a massive apology, but there was still the issue of your best friend being in love with you. Shifting uncomfortably on the couch you tugged at your blanket. "I can't face him," you murmured. "How are we supposed to be friends after this?"

Shoving the blanket off your lap you stood up pacing in front of Nat and Steve who seemed to be involved in their own silent conversation.

"Tell him the truth," she prodded. "Tell him you love him too."

"I do love him, but as a friend. I'm not in love with him."

"Are you sure about that?" Steve asked softly.

His words were enough to stop your frantic pacing. Opening and closing your mouth you replayed his question in your mind. _Were_ you sure? Running a hand through your already messed up hair you sunk down onto the coffee table. Your eyes were glassy with tears and as you looked first between Steve and then Natasha you shook your head no.

"All the love songs and movies make it seem so easy to know when you're in love. And I always thought when I met him I'd just... _know._ Like... like there'd be music playing in my mind or... or we'd touch or kiss and there'd be fireworks exploding behind my eyes. And as much as I enjoy kissing Bucky," you murmured, biting your lip as heat crawled up your neck. "I don't see fireworks."

"Love is more than fireworks and music, Y/N," Natasha said. 

“Then what else is it? Because I don’t think of him when I hear love songs, but he’s the first person I think of when I wake up and the last person I think of before I go to sleep. But that’s not love! That’s just us being friends,” you said, wiping at your growing tears. “And... and maybe I don’t see fireworks when we kiss, but I _do_ feel something. He’s the first person I want to talk to when something bad _or_ good happens. And maybe sometimes when he smiles at me or looks at me I get butterflies in my stomach, but... I mean...” Your words trailed off as you looked up at your friends. Their expressions were expectant, as if they knew something that you didn’t and they were waiting for you to catch up.

“ _What?_ ” You muttered, your voice tense when they still didn’t say anything. Getting up from the coffee table you shook your head no even as everything in your body was screaming _yes._

“Oh god,” you whispered, the realization hitting you in the face like a cold splash of water. Whirling around on your feet you stared at your two friends, your eyes wide, heat warming your cheeks as you muttered an _oh_ again. 

“I’m in love with him.” The words felt so natural coming out you were embarrassed it took you so long to realize it. 

Falling in love for the first time wasn't anything like the movies or songs made it out to be. It wasn't always happy with sunshine and butterflies. It was messy and complicated. Confusing and frustrating. Sometimes it was fights in hallways and outside of bars. Other times it was sleepy kisses stolen in the dark and desserts shared in crappy diners. It was secret smiles that hinted at years of inside jokes and late night whispered conversations so you didn't wake anyone up. It was stolen clothes and bad decisions and promises of always being there for each other. Falling in love for the first time was a hundred little things that only meant something to you and Bucky. 

"About time," Natasha teased, but her words barely registered as you scrambled in search of a pair of shoes. Slipping your feet into a mismatched pair you barely took notice. There was only one person on your mind, one person you needed to see you just hoped it wasn't too late.

  
Shivering in your pajama shorts and baggy tee shirt you pounded on his door. Your bottom lip jutted out as a fresh round of tears spilled down your cheeks to stain your shirt. You were a mess of nerves and embarrassment and shame and fear as you stood outside his place. 

“Hi,” you whispered, your voice cracking on the one syllable word. “C-can we talk?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	11. Chapter 11

“Hi,” you whispered, your voice cracking on the one syllable word. “C-can we talk?”

Opening his door wider you stepped inside. Aside from your sniffles and ragged breathing his apartment was eerily silent. No old school sitcom laugh tracks drifting through his walls, no sound of your giggles, his hearty laughter, your animated conversations filling the familiar space. His apartment felt like a ghost of happier times.

The door shut with a click causing you to jump at the sound. Shooting you an apologetic glance he gestured to the couch, shaking your head you bit your lower lip. Wrapping your arms around yourself you shifted your weight from to foot watching as he plopped down onto his couch. His eyes held equal parts wariness and concern as they stared into yours. 

Filled with a nervous energy you weren’t sure where to start. You had known that opening up was going to be difficult, but you weren’t expecting it to be _this_ difficult.

“Just... don’t say anything until I finish. Please?” You asked softly, your eyes filling with another round of fresh tears.

“I’m sorry,” you started, your feet moving on their own as you began to pace back and forth across his floor. “For everything. For not believing you when you tried to tell me how you felt, for pushing you away.”

Sucking in a deep breath you paused your hectic pacing only for a moment as you summoned all the courage you could muster. “You’re the first guy to ever tell me you love me,” you said, flicking your gaze from his to your bare feet. “And it scared me, Bucky and I know that sounds stupid a-and I know that I hurt you and I’m sorry. For everything, but mostly for not realizing sooner how I felt about you.”

“Y/N.”

“You said you weren’t going to say anything until I was done.”

His plump lips curled up into a slow smile and despite the seriousness of the situation and the heaviness of words unspoken you had trouble holding back your own smile. 

Moving to the couch you gingerly sat down keeping an intentional gap of space between your bodies. Plucking at the hem of your shirt you struggled to keep your eyes on his. 

“I love you, Bucky Barnes. I’m _in_ love with you.”

The room was still, your heart pounding in your ears, your body trembling, weak knees, shaky breaths, lingering and intense gazes that left you second guessing everything.

Saying the words out loud to him lifted a weight from your shoulders, but the silence that greeted you sent your heart plummeting. For the first time you realized how _scary_ it was telling someone you loved them. You were handing them your heart, your whole body, trusting that they wouldn’t turn you down, that they wouldn’t shatter you into a million tiny pieces. It was laying yourself bare, asking someone to accept everything about you, all the good and all the bad. You understood why he had been so hurt that night at the bar when you had refused to admit your feelings. And the longer he sat there staring at you with an open mouth the more anxious you grew over his eventual reply.

"Say something," you begged. " _Please._ "

Scooting his body closer to yours his large hands cupped your tear stained cheeks, the pads of his thumbs wiping your falling tears away, resting his forehead against yours you closed your eyes, waiting with bated breath for him to say something, _anything._ But the longer he stayed silent the more convinced you were that he had changed his mind, that you had fucked everything up by waiting too long to talk to him and the worst part was you wouldn't have blamed him if he pushed you away. After all how many times had you done the same to him? Everything in your body was telling you to run, to get out of here, but you couldn't, not until he gave you some kind of answer. 

"Bucky," you whimpered.

"Say it again," he demanded, his breath hot as it brushed your lips.

"What?"

"Say it again."

"I-I love y-."

Your words were cut off with a searing kiss that left you both eager for more and breathless. Keeping one hand on your wet cheek he slid his other hand to the back of your head, his fingers curling around your hair as he deepened the kiss. 

"Do you know how long I've waited to hear you say that?" He asked, his breath ragged, his voice husky. Without giving you a chance to speak his lips were on yours again, stealing your breath, your words, your heart. "I love you, Y/N."

Hearing those words felt different after learning the truth. The first time he said it had been in the middle of a fight, red with jealously and rage. Now it was pink bursting with love and blooming flowers.

Four words. That was all it took to send your world exploding. You hadn’t expected falling in love to be so emotional, so all consuming, so overwhelming and as tears of happiness and relief and exhaustion rolled down your cheeks you were so thankful that Bucky was there to not only catch them, but to be your first love.

Breaking the kiss he pressed his lips to the corner of your mouth, to your cheeks kissing away your tears, to your forehead where he let his lips linger. 

"You're not mad at me?"

Pulling his lips back he frowned at you. "Baby, why would I be mad at you?"

Shrugging your shoulders you searched his eyes. After coming clean and admitting your feelings opening up to him should have been easy, but you were still finding it difficult. "I don't know. For not realizing sooner how I felt. For not believing you, but believing Steve."

"C'mere." Pulling you into his arms you buried your head in his chest inhaling the scent that clung to his shirt. "'M not mad, but I wish you would have talked to me instead of running away," he sighed. "I understand why you didn't. I know I hurt you that night at the bar and 'm sorry, Y/N."

"I _wanted_ to talk to you, Bucky, but I couldn't. I know that we're supposed to tell each other everything, but I was scared and hurt a-and..."

"Scared of _what_?" He asked softly.

Lifting your head up from his chest you frowned. 

"Everything," you whispered. "You're my best friend and when you told me you loved me I didn't know what to think. I never thought that anybody, least of all someone like you would fall in love with me and I didn't know how to react. And the longer we didn't talk the more scared I got. You've been there for me pretty much my whole life and I didn't want to lose you or ruin our friendship. And I still don't and I'm still scared, Bucky. I-I know it sounds stupid and..."

"You're not gonna lose me, Y/N," he promised, kissing your forehead before staring deeply into your eyes. "You're never gonna lose me, sweetheart. 'M always gonna be here for you." 

Resting his forehead against yours he cracked a smile. "'Sides I think the friendship was ruined when I fell in love with you. And when you asked me to sleep with you and we definitely ruined it when we started having some pretty amazing sex."

Despite the seriousness of the conversation you couldn't help laughing at his words. It felt so good to be open and honest, to _laugh_ with him again. No matter how many things had changed in your relationship over the past couple of months, no matter how many ups and downs the two of you faced, the one thing that remained a constant was your unwavering bond with each other. 

"Promise me if you get scared you'll talk to me. Don't run away from me again."

"I'm done running, Bucky.” And you were. To prove your words you tilted your face up capturing his lips in a gentle kiss. It was slow, a little tentative as if after a month apart you had to relearn each other's bodies, but he was quick to take the lead, molding his lips to yours, coaxing out those beautiful moans he loved to hear so much. "I love you, Bucky," you whispered, breaking the kiss.

"I love you too," he said, leaning down to kiss you again. His lips were warm against yours, moving slowly as if he was afraid if he moved too fast you’d disappear. Curling your fingers around his shirt you moaned when he swiped his tongue against your lower lip begging for entrance. Opening your mouth wider his tongue slipped in, tangling with your own and causing him to groan. The vibrations went straight to your core making you whine pathetically against him. Swallowing your growing sounds he broke the kiss, his teeth nipping at your lower lip before he kissed you again, rougher this time. Sliding his hand from your cheek down to your waist he hummed when you climbed into his lap, your legs straddling his waist. 

"Love you so fuckin' much," he groaned in between heated kisses. 

Uncurling your fingers from his shirt you kept one hand pressed against his chest as your other hand curled around his luscious locks. "Show me," you gasped, your words needy. "Show me how much, Bucky, _please_." Breaking the kiss you stared down at him with eyes that were wide with lust. Your lips were already swollen and wet, your breath coming out uneven and you could feel a dampness growing in your underwear. Biting your lower lip you slid off his lap. Standing between his legs you offered him your hand, a small smile creeping onto your lips when he interlaced your fingers before dragging you to his room. His pace was frantic and it was a confidence booster knowing that he needed you as much as you needed him. 

Heated kisses, needy gasps, your hands tugging on the hem of his shirt, the waistband of his pants urging him to undress. 

Quick to follow directions he stripped himself of his shirt and his pants leaving him in boxers that showed off his growing bulge. 

Hands slipped under your shirt, caressing your lower back, skimming higher to run over the clasp of your bra, his other hand resting on the hem of your shorts. A quick nod of your head, a surprised gasp when his teeth nipped at your neck. Tilting your head to the side you clawed at his chest when his gentle nips turned to sloppy kisses, the sloppy kisses turning to rough sucking, marking you as his. 

“B-Bucky,” you moaned, when his lips trailed lower, sucking roughly on the juncture between your neck and shoulder. You know you’ll be covered in marks, but you can’t bring yourself to care. “ _Oh_.”

Splaying his large hand against your lower back to hold you he steady he left a trail of kisses across your throat, up your jaw, across your cheek before finally kissing your lips.

Pushing gently on his chest you break the kiss, your teeth tug on your bottom lip as you take a tiny step backwards. Pulling your shirt off you toss it to the floor, your eyes stay locked on his as you tug your shorts down your legs. Stepping out of them you boldly reach behind you, your fingers quickly unclasp you bra, but before you have a chance to pull the straps down your arms he’s closing the distance, his lips crashing against yours the force knocking your knees against the back of his bed as you fall backwards pulling him with you.

He wasted no time in settling himself between your parted thighs, his hips rocking against yours as he roughly slipped his tongue past your parted lips. Everything is rough and fast and _hot_ , yet it’s not fast enough for you. Hitching your leg around his waist to pull him closer you moan into his mouth at the feeling of his hardness pressing against your slicked underwear.

“Fuck, I missed hearing that,” he groaned against your lips. Desperate to hear the sound again he captured your bottom lip between his sucking on it roughly before dragging his lips down your throat. “Don’t hold back, wanna hear every fuckin’ sound you make, baby.”

Whining you arched your back granting him the opportunity to slip the straps of your bra down your arms. The garment is quickly tossed to the side and he wastes no time in wrapping his lips around your hardened nipple. Cupping your other breast he kneads the flesh, his fingers twisting and toying with your nub until it’s a hardened peak. 

Squirming underneath him you tangled one hand in his hair threading your fingers through his dark locks as your other hand curled around his bedsheets fisting the soft material.

“Bucky,” you gasped breathlessly. “ _Oh god_.”

Letting go of your nipple with a quiet pop his darkened eyes admired the wet, puffy, swollen nub before he kissed his way to your other breast to give it the same treatment. Humming the vibrations send your back arching, your hand tugging on his hair as his name spilled from your lips again. Lifting his eyes up to meet yours he smirked at the way your eyes were closed, your head thrown back amidst the pleasure.

“That’s it,” he murmured. “Let me hear how good I’m makin’ you feel.”

You wanted to tell him _exactly_ how good he was making you feel, but the words became lodged in your throat when he pulled his lips away from your nipple again. Whining at the loss he more than made up for it when he kissed his way back up your chest, his lips attaching themselves underneath your jaw as he roughly sucked another bruise into your skin. 

Giving a harsh tug to his hair you guided his lips back to yours kissing him slowly. “ _Please_ ,” you begged between kisses. “I _need_ you.”

Another kiss, a silent conversation of confirmation, his body rolling to the side, boxers pulled down his thick thighs and legs, your underwear following close behind before being tossed to the side. It’s quick and slow and too much and not enough all at once when your hand wraps around his hardened length stroking him. And when he slips two fingers past your soaking, velvet folds, his thumb circling over your clit the low appreciate moan he emits has you unable to wait any longer. 

“ _Bucky_ ,” you whimpered. 

The tone of your voice had him thrusting his hips into your hand, had his fingers moving faster inside of you, a squelching sound filling his bedroom as he smears a kiss to the side of your head.

“I know, baby. I... _fuck_ ,” he groaned. “Hold on.” Removing his fingers from your folds you whined at the loss watching as he fumbled in his drawer for protection. Ripping the foil package open he barely got the condom rolled down his length before you were pushing him onto his back and straddling his waist.

The look of love and lust mixed with surprise and adoration that colored his eyes had you falling even harder for him. It was so rare that you were able to catch him off guard in the bedroom that you basked in the feeling for a moment before the overwhelming need to have him took over.

Chewing on your lower lip you shakily reached down gripping the base of his erection as you lined him up. Sinking down you hissed at the pleasurable stinging of him stretching you. A month of not being with him made you forget how big he was, how full he always left you feeling. Panting you dug your nails into his chest leaving crescent shaped moons behind.

Giving a tentative roll of your hips you gasped at the pleasurable surge that shot through your body. You had never ridden him before avoiding the position for how on display you were left, but the need to have him immediately outweighed any insecurities over your body. 

“Is this okay?” You asked, your teeth pulling on your lower lip, your nails digging further into his chest when he gripped your hips helping to lift you up before slowly lowering you back down. “ _Oh_.” Tossing your head back your eyes drifted shut at the sensations of having him inside of you again.

“Yeah,” he ground out, his fingers digging bruises into your hips. “Keep movin’ just like this, sweetheart.”

Following his guidance you set a hesitant pace before growing more confident which each downward shift of your hips until you were moving against him with such speed that the headboard knocked against his wall.

“That’s it, just like that, fuck Y/N.” The praises spilled from his swollen lips in a pace that matched that of your hips and had you whining atop him. 

The bed creaked beneath your moving bodies, moans and gasps filled the space as the smell of sex drifted through your nostrils, but instead of turning you off it only spurred you on. As you continued to lift and lower your hips you leaned down, your lips capturing his in a sweet kiss. 

His hands moved from your hips to your ass kneading the flesh as he took control thrusting up into you at a punishing pace. You knew you’d be sore and covered in bruises, your body unaccustomed to the sometimes rough give and take, but you were hardly complaining.

“It feels so good, Bucky don’t stop,” you begged. 

You kissed your way across his pink tinged cheek covered with the beard you had come to love seeing on him. Pressing a kiss behind his ear you worked your lips down his neck alternating between nipping at his skin and swirling your tongue around the light red marks as you searched out his sweet spot. You knew you found it when he let out a deep growl, his fingers digging into your ass, his thrusts growing harder. Smirking against his neck you sucked roughly intent on marking him the same way he had done to you. Satisfied with the large bruise you left behind you kissed your way back up his cheek eagerly searching out his lips in another kiss.

“‘M not gonna stop, honey.” To prove his point he thrusted his hips harder into yours, the force nearly knocking the breath from your lungs. Gasping against his lips you clawed at his chest begging for more. 

Sitting up you rocked your hips against his keeping up with the frantic pace he had set. Heavy gasps and breathy moans escaped your lips when he eased his hold on your ass, his large hands slipping around your waist, sliding up your stomach before cupping your breasts. His thumbs brushed over your hardened nipples causing your back to arch at the added sensations he was providing you with. “Oh god, oh god. Keep going, Bucky, don’t you dare stop,” you cried out. You had never been so needy, so desperate, so in control before.

“‘M not gonna stop,” he said again. “Not when you feel so fuckin’ good ridin’ me like this, baby, _fuck_.”

His words had you switching from rocking your hips to bouncing and when his hands massaged rougher against your breasts, his head tilting back against his pillow, a string of muffled groans flowing from his lips you knew you were onto something. The powerful feeling that came with between in control washed over you again and you knew right then there was no better feeling than making someone else feel good.

“You keep ridin’ me this good ‘m not gonna last,” he choked out, one hand releasing your breast as it crawled down your stomach, his thumb moving over your clit in slow, easy circles that had you tossing your head back, your walls clenching around him at the added pressure.

“I-I don’t care,” you panted. “ _I need you_.”

“You have me, Y/N,” he murmured. His words were delicate, a stark contrast to the filth that had been spewing only moments before. “You always had me.” Lifting your hand from his chest he brought your palm to his lips, kissing your skin gently before interlacing your fingers, holding your hand as you continued to bounce on his cock. “You’re always gonna have me.”

“ _Bucky_.” He sat up eliciting a surprised gasp from you. The new position allowed him to hit those delicious spots deeper inside of you. Wrapping your arms around his sweaty shoulders you pulled him closer to you. “I love you.” Your voice shook, both from the movements of your body and the emotion in his words. Burying your hand in his dark locks you guided his mouth to yours kissing him deeply.

“I love you too,” he managed to get out between kisses. “So much, sweetheart, so fuckin’ much.”

Resting your forehead against his your eyes fluttered shut. “I’m close,” you whimpered, your body shaking with need, his words only further spurring you on. “S-so close.”

“Yeah? Shit,” he moaned. Rubbing the pad of his thumb quicker over your clit he buried his head in your neck, his lips alternating between kissing and nipping at your bruised skin. “I’ve got you, let go for me, let me make you feel good.” 

Your body tensed, a blinding white flashed behind your closed eyes and you were falling, falling, falling. Chanting his name through the fog that filled your brain, your senses, you clung to him, anchoring yourself to his sweaty, tensed body. With his help you rocked your hips against his helping him to reach his own release moments later with a low groan and a messy kiss. 

The smell of sex and sweat lingered in the air. Heavy breaths as each of you climbed down from your highs filled the quiet. Raking your nails through his hair you made a move to get off of him, but he wrapped his arm around your waist, holding you securely to him as his lips pressed gentle kisses to the heated skin of your neck.

"You okay?" Lifting his head from your neck his lips brushed across your cheek in a whisper of a kiss before landing on your forehead. His kisses were soft and full of reassurance and love so different from the heated and spit soaked kisses you head been exchanging only moments before. 

Everything was different from before. Gone was the carnal desire, the burning fire that ignited in your bodies turning your eyes as black as coal, the overwhelming need to rip each other's clothes off and be buried to the hilt with him inside of you filling you up, showing you how much you loved each other in the most basic physical way. In its place were loving touches, the follow up questions that always sent your heart fluttering. He was the master of aftercare when it came to you and that mixed with the way you had jumped him mixed with the emotional highs of the day, of the past month had tears pooling in your eyes.

Not trusting yourself to speak you buried your head in his neck inhaling the scent of his sweat and soap that clung to his skin. His arms tightened around your waist pulling you closer and though he was still buried inside of you the thought of separating even for a second to get cleaned up, to find a more comfortable position was too much for you. "I'm sorry," you mumbled, voice muffled against his skin. "I just... I really, really missed you, Bucky a-and I didn't think this was going to be so emotional."

"You have nothing to apologize for," he soothed, pulling back so he could look into your eyes. The pad of his thumb collected your tears, his lips turning up into a soft smile meant to ease your pain. "I missed you too, Y/N and I meant what I said earlier. You have me, you're always gonna have me and 'm not goin' anywhere." Kissing you softly he groaned when you eagerly moved your lips against his, your hips unintentionally grinding down against him. "But, baby," he choked, his hands squeezing your hips gently. "Need you to move."

"Sorry," you giggled. 

Climbing off his lap you slipped beneath his welcoming sheets, pulling the sheet up to your chest you chewed your lip watching the way he removed the condom before climbing into bed next to you. Curling into his side you rested your head on his chest listening to the rhythmic sound of his heartbeat lulling you into a sense of comfort. 

Between the emotions of the day and the sex you were exhausted, but even with the way his fingers were soothingly stroking the heated skin of your back, the way he pressed kisses to the top of your head, the way he kept murmuring how much he loved you, how much he missed you, how beautiful you were, things that would normally help you drift off to sleep happy and content it wasn't happening right now. Kissing his chest you listened to the way he hummed in approval, the way his arms tightened around you pulling closer.

"Bucky?" When he didn't answer you thought he had drifted off to sleep. Lifting your head up you were surprised to see him still awake, his bright blue eyes focused on you. Moving your head to his shoulder you pressed a kiss to his neck, your fingers smoothing down his chest. "Can I ask you something? And if you say I just did I'll slap you," you teased.

"You know you can ask me anything."

"When did you know you were in love with me? I know you said since you were nineteen, but I mean... _when_?"

"You wanna know the exact moment?"

His words surprised you. Shifting your body so your head was laying on his pillow to get a better look at him you watched as he rolled onto his side facing you. In some ways this new position was more intimate both of you staring deeply into each other's eyes. Lifting your hand up you stroked your fingers over his beard. "Do you remember the exact moment?"

"Of course I do, honey. 'S not something you easily forget." His own fingers reached up to trace the shape of your lips, the shape of your jaw before ghosting down your neck, down your side, his fingers searching out your hand. His touch was electric, sending sparks down your back, causing your arms to breakout in goosebumps. Unintentionally scooting closer to you he interlaced your fingers, his eyes dancing between yours and dropping down to stare at your lips. "Remember when you graduated high school and I told you I'd take you wherever you wanted you to go?" 

His voice was barely above a whisper and as you nodded your head your own gaze switched between his and his lips you wondered how much of the story he would get through before losing interest and taking you again.

"Because I had just gotten out of my first relationship and you felt bad for me," you teased. It wasn't entirely true. While your first relationship _had_ ended and you had been bummed ever since you and Bucky had been kids he had always told you when you graduated you'd take a road trip somewhere, wherever you wanted. "I said I wanted to go to Italy so I could eat all the pasta and bread and you said-."

"Choose something more reasonable, sweetheart." Your laughter filled his room, a melody of two people deeply in love reminiscing of times past. "And you ended up choosing Michigan because you wanted to see the lighthouses."

"And that was when you knew?" You asked skeptically.

"No," he scoffed. "That was when I knew I was going to take you to Italy someday so you could eat all the pasta and bread. You remember that storm we got caught in on the way? We were in Ohio I think and you were worried about Steve and I driving and you begged us to pull over and find a hotel we could spend the night at."

"And you guys stopped at the first hotel we came pass which was a horrible mistake!" You added, shivering at the memory. 

For the middle of summer it had been deserted which should have been your first sign that it wasn't a good idea, but you guys had still stopped. Opting to wait in the car while Steve and Bucky ran to get checked in you had been spooked by the quietness. Handing you your room key you had grabbed your bag telling them goodnight before stepping into your room which was sign number two that this wasn't a good idea. 

The wallpaper had been floral and looked like it had come straight from the nineteen sixties. The quilt on the bed had been dusty making you wonder when the last time the room had been cleaned. You had tried to give it the benefit of the doubt, but when you tried to settle down to sleep you heard weird knocking through the walls.

At first you had thought it had been the boys playing tricks on you, but there were two rooms separating you. Your next thought had been maybe the wind rattling what you were convinced had to be old pipes throughout the building. The knocking had continued freaking you out so much you had grabbed your bag leaving the hotel room door open as you fled down the corridor to the boys room. 

Pounding on the door until they opened it you had flown into their room with shaking hands. Telling them about the noises, about the creepy vibe you got you had told them you weren't staying in that room. Steve had offered you his bed telling you he'd stay in your room, but one look over at Bucky and he had offered to share his bed with you. 

"You were convinced your room was haunted," he laughed.

"I did not you jerk! _Steve_ said that. I just said it was creepy and it _was_."

After that night when you had to get a hotel room you only got one. Steve in one bed and you and Bucky in the other. It was an arrangement that left the three of you with hardly any alone time on your trip, but in a lot of ways it brought your relationships closer.

"That wasn't the moment I knew," he said, predicting your next question. "I just like telling that story kinda like how you enjoy telling people I kidnapped you."

"Jerk," you said again. Laughing you pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. "You did kidnap me though."

" _Baby_ ," he whined, sending you on another round of laughter. "I didn't kidnap you."

"And _I_ never said my room was haunted!"

Brushing his nose against yours he smirked when your eyes fluttered shut. His breath was warm against your lips and all you wanted was for him to kiss you again and never stop. Tilting his head down his lips barely touched yours. "You gonna argue with me or you gonna let me finish my story?"

Sliding your hand from his cheek to the back of his neck your fingers curled around his hair as you pressed your lips to his. Sighing at the kiss you inched forward pressing your chest against his. "Can't I do both?" You whispered between kisses.

"No," he teased, breaking the kiss. "You remember that first lighthouse tour we took? Fuck, it was so hot that day and there was barely anybody on that tour, but that didn't stop you from being so excited. You couldn't stop smiling, couldn't stop taking pictures and anytime the guide asked if anybody had questions you had at least twenty." 

Chuckling at the memory he dipped his head down again to press another kiss to your lips. "You were so reluctant to leave beggin' Steve and I to stay just for a couple more minutes cause you needed some more pictures. As we were leaving you turned around to get one final look and fuck, sweetheart the look on your face. You couldn't stop smiling, you were so happy even though you were sweating and exhausted and you looked so beautiful. Didn't matter that it was startin' to get cloudy you lit up that whole beach. And that moment I knew that there was nothin’ more I wanted in my life than to try and make you that happy."

"And that was when you knew?" Your voice was barely above a whisper, your eyes filling with tears again as your mind replayed that day in flashes. 

You had gotten up so early too excited to sleep. Spending the morning hours sightseeing you had dragged them on the tour in the afternoon. By the time they had managed to pull you away you had been exhausted from the excitement, the sun, the lack of sleep. You guys had made plans to go out to eat afterwards, but you had barely been able to keep your eyes open in the backseat of the car. 

Asking them to drop you off back at the hotel Bucky had flat out refused to leave you alone despite the venue being a lot safer than the one in Ohio. Sending Steve to get takeout Bucky had taken you back to your shared room and as soon as you had entered you had collapsed onto the bed and fallen asleep. 

"That was when I knew."

"God, Bucky." Uncurling your hand from his hair you slid it back to cup his cheek. His eyes were filling up with tears matching your own teary eyes. Resting your forehead against his you rubbed the pad of your thumb over his cheek. "Steve said..."

"He knew right away," he murmured. "After that tour when you wanted to go back to the hotel by yourself and I told you no he came back with food and saw us. You were so tired you didn't even put your pajamas on you just slept in your clothes curled up next to me. Your hair was a mess and you were so hot you begged me to turn to the ac up as high as it would go and after it was on for fifteen minutes you were shivering, but I couldn't get up and shut it off because fuck you looked so beautiful, so peaceful laying there. When Steve came and saw the way I was holding you I blurted out that I was in love with you. He said he knew and told me I should tell you."

"And then you spent years not telling me and I spent years ignoring my own feelings."

"But we're here now."

"We're here now."

When he kisses you it's slow, but passionate and it doesn't take long for that fire to reignite in your bodies, but unlike before when you jumped him you both know that you can take your time, that you can savor this round, but you don't. His tongue dips into your mouth exploring the dark crevices, tangling and toying with your own. 

Moaning you roll onto your back urging him to follow and he does because Bucky Barnes is wonderful at following directions, at predicting what you need and right now you need him. The bedsheets rustle, his thigh parts your leg, you gasp into his mouth when he settles himself between you. He's already hard, _hot_ as he presses against your soft skin. Your fingers rake through his hair, down his neck, his shoulders, the taut muscles of his back before journeying back upwards. You don't think you'll ever get tired of exploring his skin, his muscles, _him_.

The kiss is broken reluctantly, each of you panting heavy and hot, eyes that are black, skin that's begging to be touched. Your teeth pull at your lip, your head tilts to the side and Bucky Barnes is wonderful at reading you. His head dips down, his lips traveling the well bruised skin of your neck peppering every inch of your skin with his chapped lips, his long tongue, his hot mouth, his sharp teeth, his scratchy beard. Cries of pleasure, whimpers of need fall from your lips, your back arches, the sheets rustle. It's a melody of music between two lovers desperate to become one.

Trailing his lips lower you swear to god your lip is going to break open from the way you're biting on it so hard, but Bucky Barnes is right there, his lips on yours, coaxing you to stop, to stop torturing him, to stop torturing yourself. He doesn't have to say anything, not when his eyes convey everything, not when that long ago phone call of truth replays through each of your minds. His hands are gentle when they grasp your wrists pinning them to the pillow by your head and when he interlaces your fingers, when he kisses you softly, when his lips trail across your jaw to go lower, lower, lower you gasp out that you love him, that you'll always love him.

His lips wrap around your nipple already hard and when his teeth graze across providing you with the barest amount of pain you hiss, your hands pushing up against his, your head sinking into his pillow, your back arching. But Bucky Barnes is right there, his tongue swirling over the hardened nub, his mouth enveloping your breast. By the time he pulls away your nipple is hardened and puffy, wet from his spit and tongue and he thinks it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen before he moves on to the next one.

You're a mess. 

Drenched with sweat and slick with desire. Burning with love and gratefulness. You feel like you're floating and falling at the same time. It's light, fluffy clouds and shooting stars. It's loving kisses and delicate touches. It's whispered words of I love you, I love you, I love you and dancing on the edge of falling over. But he doesn't let you fall. He would never let you fall. Not anymore. Not after tonight. 

And so with a final soft kiss, a conversation without words, he's releasing your hands, his own digging through his drawer as he pulls out another condom. By now it's a practiced dance that you've both nearly perfected and in no time at all Bucky Barnes is between your parted thighs again. You can read the worry in his eyes, the worry over hurting you, of making you sore, but you can't seem to bring yourself to care about that right now. Hitching your leg over his waist you draw him in closer and when you lean up to kiss him it's full of reassurance, of want, of love, of need.

And when he pushes into you so slowly, so gently you flashback to your first time together. It's just as emotional and try as you might you can't help the tears that pool into your eyes at the loving pace he sets. Unlike last time which had been of full of lust and need and want this time is all about love and connection and he's keeping his word showing you how much he loves you and oh god does he love you. His own eyes are filling with tears the emotion of the moment choking you both up. But it's beautiful and perfect.

Resting his forehead against yours you smile through your tears, your head tilting up every few thrusts to catch his lips, to remind him that you love him and oh god do you love him. 

It's magic in his room. Rustling sheets. Creaking bed. Headboard rocking against his wall. Sweaty bodies. Moans. Gasps. Whimpers. I love yous. I love yous. I love yous. His name. Your name. Honey. Baby. Sweetheart. 

It's a mess in his room. Groans. Skin slapping against skin. Moans of fuck. Cries of don't stop. Whines of right there. It's bruises digging into already bruised skin. It's teeth nipping at already sore lips. At necks. It's tongues battling for dominance. Spit filled kisses. Teeth clashing. 

It's beauty in his room. The come down. His heavy body laying on top of yours. You holding him close. Kissing his forehead. Kissing his cheek. Running your hand down his back. Through his hair. It's him pulling you close. Your head on his chest. His heartbeat in your ear. Your eyes closed. Content. At peace.

It's love in his room. It's a friendship born from childhood. It's skinned knees. Shared ice cream cones. Childhood secrets whispered in the dark. It's awkward first kisses. Dances in school gymnasiums. The taste of first heartbreak. It's always being there for each other. It's road trips. It's conversations that last all night. It's sunrises and sunsets. It's first love. 

There's nothing quite like it. Laying in Bucky Barnes arms you're so thankful that your first love is him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think!


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is the last chapter.
> 
> I want to take a moment and once again thank everyone who left kudos, comments, who subscribed and favorited this story. All of the support means the world to me! 
> 
> When I first started writing this story I wasn't sure that I was even going to post it because I didn't think anybody was going to be interested in it and when I did finally get the courage to post it I thought for sure nobody was going to even read it and all the support that you guys gave me blew me out of the water. 
> 
> You guys are amazing and I hope you enjoy this last chapter and I hope you stick around because I've got a couple new series in the works as well as some one shots!

_**One year later** _

“We don’t have to unpack everything right away,” Bucky murmured, voice low and husky as his strong arms wrapped around your waist pulling you flush against his back. 

Nuzzling his head in the crook of your neck he slipped his hands beneath your shirt, his fingers dancing along the exposed sliver of your skin. “We deserve a break.”

Scoffing and rolling your eyes you nonetheless leaned back against his broad chest sighing in content. Your hands sifted through the cardboard box in front of you that sat on the wobbly kitchen table. 

Frowning as you pushed aside photo albums you glanced down to the black sharpie cursive on the side of the box that said _kitchen_. Groaning you shook your head in frustration, your eyes sweeping through the kitchen you wondered how many of the boxes that littered the counter and floor were mislabeled.  
  
After the night you had tearfully confessed your feelings to him and made things official your relationship had transitioned easily from friends to being in a relationship. There wasn’t much that had changed except for your living arrangements. 

It hadn’t been uncommon for you to spend the night at each other’s apartment once or twice a week when still friends. After making it official though you were spending nearly every night at each other’s apartments. 

At first it had worked out well enough, but after Natasha had accidentally walked in on him in the shower and the time she had walked in on him with his hands slipped between your thighs during a movie night she had drawn the line telling you that while she loved both of you she wasn’t prepared to see either of you in a compromised position again.

Which had left you spending more time at Bucky’s place instead of at yours. Financially it didn’t make sense to pay for rent at your place when you were practically living with him. Half asleep and wrapped up in his arms one night he had blurted out that you guys should get your own place. 

While the idea had made perfect sense you were still a little apprehensive, worried that if you guys officially moved in he’d get sick of you. Your worries of course had been unfounded and after months of searching for something that could be both of yours with no history of exes or bad memories you had found the perfect little place.

“We already took a break, remember?”

“Refresh my memory,” he mumbled, lazily kissing his way down your neck.

Biting your lip to stifle your growing moans you could feel him smirking against your neck as you arched your back. His fingers inched a little higher and though you wanted nothing more than to give in to him, to the pleasure, the unpacked boxes and the worry of Steve and Natasha walking in again had you reconsidering.

“Nice try,” you giggled, pushing aside the box and searching for another to unpack, but Bucky had other things on his mind.

“Baby,” he whined. Nuzzling his face in your neck he slipped his hands a little higher, his fingers brushing against the wire of your bra. “Let me make you feel good then I’ll help you unpack everything.”

You could feel your resolve at staying strong begin to crumble. His whispered words so full of promise, of pleasure, of love had your knees practically shaking with want. 

Regretfully stepping out of his arms you spun on your heel, your hands resting against his chest as you giggled at the pout that adorned his face. Standing on your tip toes you pressed a chaste kiss to his lips. “You already make me feel good, Bucky,” you whispered. 

Repositioning his hands on your hips he walked you backwards until your back hit the edge of the table. Effortlessly lifting you up he attached his lips to yours, the kiss long and deep, full of lust and love. His hands dipped beneath your shirt again caressing your back, your sides, inching higher to brush along the simple cotton material of your bra.

One year later and it still astounded you the way the lightest, sweetest touches from him could send your heart racing, heat flooding your cheeks, butterflies to fill your stomach. One year later and all it took was a smile from across a room, him mouthing I love you, sweetheart, honey, baby to send your knees shaking, your body thrumming with the vibrations of a deep love you never once expected to feel in your life. One year later and it still made you giddy when he kissed you, when you fell asleep wrapped up in his arms, when you awoke shivering in the middle of the night to see the blankets tangled around his hips and his thighs. One year later and you swore to god you fell more in love with him each minute of each day.

“We’re gonna get caught again,” you mumbled against his lips. 

Your hands trailed from his chest up to his shoulders, one hand resting on the back of his neck as your other hand curled around his hair. The worry about getting caught ebbed when he cupped your breast. Arching into his touch you moaned, the noises becoming swallowed by his hungry kisses.

“You want me to stop?”

He was only asking to be polite, you both knew that the same way you both knew him stopping was the _last_ thing you wanted right now. 

Nipping at his bottom lip you gave a small shake of your head no. Your breath came out in heavy pants that were full of pleasure and anticipation when he stepped between your parted legs. 

“Didn’t think so,” he chuckled. “Tell me if you change your mind.” His voice was lower, full of concern and love that sent your heart spiraling. 

It didn’t seem to matter to him the time that had gone by or how many times he touched you. In some ways it was always like that first hookup full of soft, loving touches, constant questioning of if it was okay, voice strong when asking you tell him if it wasn’t. His fingers dipped beneath the cup of your bra palming your breast, groaning when you arched your back, when he felt your nipple hardened beneath his thumb and forefinger. “That feel good, honey?”

Tightening your hold on his hair, on the back of his neck you hitched your leg around his waist pulling him closer to you as you gasped into his open mouth. “ _Bucky_.”

“Fuck,” he moaned. His lips were centimeters away from yours, close enough to feel your breath, to feel the way you hissed when he pinched your nipple, when you whined when he removed his fingers, when you moaned when he moved to your neglected breast. His tongue circled your top lip before repeating the action against your bottom lip. Spit lined and swollen his lips lingered at the corner of your mouth before leaving a sloppy trail across your cheek.

“You’re always so responsive,” he groaned, impressed that a year later he could still get your body to turn to putty with a few well placed touches.

“Only for you,” you gasped, your teeth pulling on your lip, your fingers threading through his hair before yanking his head back and crashing your lips against his.

You were lost in his lustful kisses, in his expert touches. He was lost in your breathy moans, in the harsh tugs to his hair. Each of you lost in your love and lust for one another neither of you heard the door open, the two pairs of foot steps crossing the hardwood floor or the groans of frustration that escaped two pairs of lips.

“That’s _not_ what a kitchen table is meant for!” Natasha said, her voice loud and cutting through the noise of your sloppy kisses. 

“Guys,” Steve sighed. “We’re happy you’re together, but maybe cool it for a bit?”

Your face felt like it was on fire, scorching hot with embarrassment as you let go of Bucky. Covering your burning cheeks you muttered under your breath so only he would hear, “I _told_ you we we’re gonna get caught.”

“Also told me you didn’t wanna stop,” he teased. Slipping his hands out from beneath the cups of your bra he readjusted your shirt, his lips pressing a kiss to your forehead before gently tugging your hands from your face. “You okay?” 

“ _No_.”

“C’mere.” Slipping his hand into yours he helped you hop off the table before both of you turned your attention to your friends.

“We were just um...” you started. Clearing your throat you avoided Natasha and Steve’s gaze.

“Unpacking,” Bucky finished for you.

With a snort Natasha strode into the kitchen carrying a stack of pizza boxes. “Sure you were,” she teased, breezing past you to put the boxes on the table. Going to the cupboards she opened them up searching for dishes. “Is that why the plates aren’t unpacked?”

“Some of the boxes are mislabeled.”

“We can use napkins,” Steve offered. Opening the boxes of pizza he grabbed two thick slices placing them on a napkin and carrying them to the living room where he plopped down onto the couch. Wordlessly Natasha followed.

“I’m offended they don’t wanna use the table. It worked fine for us,” Bucky joked, earning him a slap on the shoulder.

Crowded on the couch and around the floor grease stained napkins soaking through fingers and staining coffee tables conversation flowed easily the way it does between lovers and friends. 

With pizza boxes emptied, napkins balled up, empty bottles of beer and soda cans littering the coffee table you leaned against Bucky’s side laughing at a story that Natasha shared.

Glancing around at the boxes that still needed unpacking, the pictures that needed to be hung, the clothes that needed to be put away along with dishes and toiletries you took a long look at the off white walls of your new home, at the hardwood floor that you were sitting on, at Natasha and Steve who looked comfy on your couch, their gazes all knowing as they took you and Bucky in. 

A year ago you had never imagined this for yourself. Dating Bucky. Moving in with him. Being in love. But sitting on the floor, his arms wrapped protectively around you holding you close, your two closest friends sitting across from you you realized that this was everything you had ever wanted in life and there wasn’t any way this night could get more perfect.

Turning in his arms you pressed a kiss to his cheek murmuring that you loved him before shooting Nat and Steve an apologetic glance at the brief PDA.

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone more in love than you two,” she mused.

“Or more stubborn to admit their feelings,” Steve added.

“Or unable to keep their hands off each other for two minutes. Remember that pool we had going on how long it would take them to get together?”

“We’re right here,” Bucky grumbled.

“You guys had a bet going on us? That is... wrong on _so_ many levels!”

“We wouldn’t have had to if you guys had talked to each other sooner,” Steve pointed out.

“How long did it take you to talk to Peggy?” Bucky shot back.

“That was different. We weren’t best friends.”

“He’s got a point,” Natasha added.

“Fine we admit it. We were idiots and we should have talked to each other sooner,” you said. “But we got there eventually. And now look at us.” Tilting your face up you smiled at Bucky. 

There was a warmth and a hint of mischievousness twinkling in his blue grey eyes that set your heart fluttering. Yeah, it may have taken you guys longer than it should have to talk and those would be months and years you would never get back, but there was no point dwelling on the what if’s of your past. For the first time in your life you were focused on the here and now. 

“Yeah, look at us now,” Bucky replied, hushed voice, eyes staring deeply into yours as if you were the only two people in the room. And when his lips moved against yours, when his hand lightly gripped your chin you forgot about those long lost months and years, forgot about your friends, forgot about everything except your best friend, your boyfriend, your _soulmate_ kissing you so sweetly you were worried you’d melt straight into the floor.

“And that’s our cue to leave,” Natasha drawled. “Come on Steve lets leave the lovebirds alone.”

A round of hugs followed by appreciative thank yous for everything they had done from helping you realize your feelings to helping you move followed by a series of goodbyes and then it was you and Bucky alone in your new apartment.

“Wanna finish what we started in the kitchen?”

“Mm and the boxes that need to be unpacked?”

“Later,” he mumbled, his hands slipping back under your shirt as he guided your body to the couch where your friends had been sitting only moments before.

  
_**One month later**_

Wiping the steam from the bathroom mirror you tightened the knot on your fluffiest bathrobe. Tossing your towel in the hamper you stifled a yawn behind your hand. Padding from the bathroom to the bedroom you stood in the doorway admiring the way Bucky sat shirtless on the edge of your shared bed. 

“Marry me.”

“ _What_?”

“Marry me, Y/N.”

Opening and closing your mouth you took a shaky step forward convinced you had heard him wrong. After all you guys had gone out to dinner with Steve and Peggy. Bottles of wine had been shared. Heavy food had been eaten. You were tired, a little tipsy from the wine and you were hearing him wrong because there was no way he asking you what you thought he was.

Sensing your hesitation, your confusion he leapt from the bed making his way to you in two long strides. Reaching for your hands he laced your fingers together, his eyes searching yours.

“Marry me,” he said again, slower this time, enunciating each word. 

A bubble of laughter floated its way past your lips at the randomness of his question.

Bringing your hands up to his mouth he kissed your knuckles. “I know I don’t have a ring and fuck you gotta believe me this wasn’t how I planned on asking you, but ‘m serious, Y/N. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.”

It was absurd. Nothing like how you imagined it as a kid. Hell, not even close to how you daydreamed about him asking you on those sleepless nights. He was shirtless, standing in front of you in a pair of navy blue joggers. Your hair was damp from your shower. A pair of plaid pajama pants and a tank top beneath a fuzzy pink bathrobe, slippers on your feet. 

It was insane. It came out of nowhere. Maybe it was cliche and old fashioned, but you had always daydreamed about the guy getting down on one knee, had thought it’d be romantic, someplace that was important to the two of you, maybe flowers or a sunset.

Not pajamas, not a random Tuesday night, not so... _ordinary._

But there was beauty in there. Beauty in the fact there was no ring, in the fact he hadn’t intended on springing this on you, in the fact that you were both in your pajamas still a little tipsy from dinner.

It was perfect. It may not have been romantic or planned. There may not have been flowers or sunsets. But it was _you_ and it was _him_ the way it was always intended to be. Nothing about your relationship had been normal. Not asking him to take your virginity. Not him holding his true feelings back for _years_. Not you ignoring your _own_ feelings for years. Nothing had been normal, but it had worked for you guys.

No, it may not have been bended knees, shiny rings, passionate kisses, but that was okay because it was fuzzy bathrobes, bare chests and a love that bloomed innocent and true. 

“Yes!”

“Yeah?”

Tears sprung to your eyes, a wide smile stretched across your face as realization dawned on you. Nodding your head you said yes again and again and again until the one syllable word lost all meaning, until he had to kiss you to get you to shut up, until you were so breathless and dizzy with love and happiness that you were convinced you were going to pass out. 

“Honey, I promise I’m gonna get you a ring and I promise I’ll get down on one knee and I’ll ask you like you always dreamed.”

“I don’t care. I don’t need you to ask me again because this was perfect.” And it was, it truly was. 

You may not have been in a pretty dress, face full of makeup, hair done up nice, but you didn’t care because James Buchanan Barnes saw you in a bathrobe that you had since you were twenty, saw you with damp hair, fresh faced and knew in that moment that he wanted to marry you, wanted to spend the rest of of his life with you. And that, that was better than any sunset, any ring, any flowers. 

“I don’t need you to get down on one knee or propose again and I don’t even need a ring,” you rambled, choking on your tears. “I just... the only thing I need, the only thing I _want_ is you, Bucky Barnes.”

“Yeah?” He asked again, softer this time. You could see the tears pooling in his own eyes, clouding his vision and you wanted to wipe his tears away, but he was still holding your hands and you realized you didn’t want him to ever let go. “I love you so much, sweetheart. So fuckin’ much and I swear ‘m gonna spend the rest of my life doin’ everything I can to make you happy.”

“God, Bucky,” you whispered, letting the tears fall freely down your face. “You already have, you already do.” 

Pressing your lips to his you poured every ounce of love you had flowing through your body into that kiss not pulling back until you were almost out of breath.

“You sure you wanna spend the rest of your life with me?” You teased.

“It’s the only thing I’ve wanted since I was nineteen.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As it stands right now I don't have plans on writing a sequel to this story (never say never) BUT I do plan on writing some one shots and headcanons to go along with it so if anyone has any requests of anything that they wanna see explored more between these two leave a comment or send me a message or an ask on my tumblr where I spend most of my time thirsting over Sebastian and Bucky @tellmealovestory
> 
> Let me know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think!


End file.
